Would it be okay to reiterate to her Mom again that I would like her support in ending their affair, and that I am still fighting for my marriage? I feel like I need to remind her that I haven't given up. But not sure if it's a good idea to keep reminding her.

Edit: She is just kind of spacey.. And is a total stoner.

Nevermind, I'm just anxious. Not going to worry about that.

I have an idea. I would feed her information that she will feed to your wife. Call her up and tell her you are so concerned about WW. That you care for her but you have found out things that lead you to believe her affair will lead to disaster.

Tell her you spoke to the OM's father and they do not support this affair at all. WW will never be allowed to darken their doorstep. That means that WW will be ostracized and that OM will have to choose between his own parents and WW. As soon as trouble enters their affair, the OM will dump her like he did his own wife.

Talk about how the OM dumped his own wife when she got cancer! As soon as the thrill wears off of the affair, he will dump WW too.

Other huge problems are: 95% of affairs fall apart in under 2 years because they are based on selfishness, thoughtlessness, deceit. These relationships never work out. For example, Dr Harley, who founded Marriage Builders says he has never found one such relationship in 40 years that was happy. Even the ones that stay together are miserable because the affairees have alienated their families.

The biggest concern is about the OM's wife. In our state, when there is adultery in a divorce, it gets very ugly. Affair partners are subpoenaed into court to give testimony about the affair. This means WW will be dragged into a divorce case and will have to get an attorney to protect her.

Express to her your deep "concern" about WW. Tell her that even if your marriage doesn't work, WW is making disastrous mistakes with her own life.

Gold. I will do it.

OJ, your attitude must be James Bond-ish, from here on out. You are to remain cool confident and composed at all times. When she wants to drag you into talks about her "reasons", you simply refuse to participate. You act the part of the ideal spouse - you look good, smell good, dress well, and project an air of concern based on your superior knowledge. If it comes to things like her lack of money, etc, you work to imply a sense of sadness at her poor choices.

One of the hardest parts about this is turning down dates with some really cute girls. My natural instinct is to go to someone that shows potential interest, rather than to pursue a person that wants nothing to do with me and is willing to betray and hurt me like she did.

There will always be really cute girls to date. Always.

Show some ability to be true to your marriage even though it is in tatters and know that any dating others would make you a justifying wayward like your wife.

Ya, I know. It just feels good to come on here and vent my feelings.

OJ,

Ask the OMW if she got cervical cancer from OM giving her HPV? Feed this info. back to your WW!

God Bless
Gamma

OJ,

It's very true that having an unwilling wife makes other women enormously more attractive. It's also true that in that state you are likely to pick one with worse defects than your current problem wife, don't even think about putting out the fire with gasoline.

God Bless
Gamma

You are very vulnerable right now...you shouldn't be putting yourself in the position to be propositioned and tempted by "really cute girls".

1. Another affair is just what the devil needs to destroy your marriage once and for all

2. How "cute" are any of these girls anyway trolling around and pursuing married men? Would you want your sister dating a guy in your position (still married and hurting hoping to reconcile with his wayward wife)?


Dating and girls can wait. You need a clear head to sort out your marital situation such that you can either recover it OR move on knowing you gave YOUR MARITAL COMMITMENT to love, honor and cherish your wife in good times and bad your fullest attention and devotion until the bitter end.

It's the right thing to do and nobody ever regrets doing the right thing.

W

It's SO frustrating that my wife keeps telling EVERYBODY that the reason she left has nothing to do with the affair, and everyone except a slight few that I am really close with is eating it up completely. I wish there was a way for everyone to see the truth.

Yes, I agree 100%. Like I said, it just felt good to come on and vent.

ODD, isn't it, that she didn't LEAVE until she started the affair? The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around, not to have an affair. So if it wasn't the affair, why isn't she working to turn it around?

Even I still mostly believed everything she was saying until I found marriage builders. So I can understand why so many other people are believing her.

I wish there was a way for everyone to see the truth.

FOCUS, DUDE!

So far from you today we get

- "wishes" that you, personally, could re-make human nature to suit your current needs

- acknowledgement of, and covert longing for, other women

Getting back to reality: Where are you in your moving-home operation? This, and the follow-on steps, have the best chance of rendering your "wishes" and "longings" moot.

Thanks NG.

Reality - getting locks on new house changed tonight. moving into old house tomorrow. Will continue to talk to lawyers about potential lawsuits.

One of my big problems right now is financial. I am going to be scraping by trying to pay for both mortgages on my own - as my wife I'm sure will refuse to help pay once I piss her off by moving in. I don't think I can afford to pay for a lawsuit. Should I just have my lawyer threaten the lawsuits?

Seems I recall you telling us you can't file a claim for alienation in your state until she files for divorce so, yes, at this point you can just threaten at bit. But I wouldn't do it blatantly. If and when your wife talks about divorce and you say you don't talk divorce...just marriage...let it slip out that you can't wait to cross examine OM and his parents and their employers in court and that you intend to sue OM for Alienation of Affection. She will certainly be taking that info back to OM thus carrying your water for you. They will have a good laugh and act like it doesn't bother him/them but in the back of OM's mind this is just one more added hassle of being with your wife.

Waywards hate open courtrooms and the thought of having to testify out loud in front of people staring at them in disgust frightens the heck out of them.

I also like dropping hints to the WW that OM better watch his back. That he doesn't just get to ride off into the sunset with the hot girl. It's coming and he better be on guard for the surprise you've got waiting for him. OM's instinctively know they have a beat down coming so even though (I presume) you have no intent to get violent (which is what I advocate...he's not worth it), you are, once again adding to hassle of dating your wife. Eventually, fear of continued and never ending exposure, fear of a beatdown and a "girlfriend" who just can't stop talking and complaining about her husband is just too much....REALITY. I'm sure OM liked it so much better when you were complacent and trying to distance yourself hoping your wife would miss you, wonder what you were up to and come running back to you so scared of losing you.

Mr W

Ya, I am not a violent person. Not that he doesn't deserve a beat-down, but I am just not the kind of person to start throwing punches unless it is in self defense.

So do you guys think *I* should let it slip out that I plan on suing for alienation of affection next time my wife talks to me about divorce? Or do you think I should have my lawyer contact the OM to threaten?

Normally threats are stupid. You either do it or you don't and tipping your hand to the enemy is a bad strategy. However, alienation of affection lawsuits are typically fruitless expensive endeavors. You can do it to put pressure on the OM but you don't have kids and your asset division appears pretty simple (and done...she already signed over the house) such that by the time an alienation of affection lawsuit ever reached it's conclusion you'd have either recovered your marriage or long moved on to healthier relationships.

Thus...letting it slip to your wife would be a good step one, followed later by step two...a letter to OM from your attorney, followed, potentially by step three ...another more critical emergency sounding letter from your attorney...followed by filing a lawsuit that you can always settle or dismiss down the road. It may be much cheaper to get the lawsuit filed if you tell your attorney that much more likely than not...you'll be dropping the case sometime down the road and you just need him to file it for a small fee and sit on it delaying the case such that the minimal attorney fees are accumulated on an hourly basis.

AoA lawsuits biggest benefit is putting pressure on OM to end things. You aren't likely to win dollar one from OM ever pursing the claim.

Mr. W (attorney at law..btw)