Some? How much? Doing what?

"Sex on the other hand will have to wait. She wants a 30 day moratorium, and I have agreed. I WILL survive 3 more weeks without a slip-up, and hopefully we can get our SF going after that."

What is the purpose of this? If a lack of SF is one of the contributors to the problem, I see this as harmful, not helpful. How does this help your marriage in any way? SF is one of your top needs, I would guess, and I don't see how refusing to meet your needs is anything it punishment. Is this punishment?

John, do you have the books I recommended? The workbook?

If I am reading his wife's thread correctly, she did not ask for the 30 day moratorium... It is so strange sometimes reading the husband and wife threads as you get two COMPLETELy different sides. You sometimes wonder if they are in the same room...

We have agreed not to read each others threads, but yes she asked for the moratorium.

This comes from the NMMNG (no more mr. nice guy) methodology, that uses an abstinence period to get your head together, and refocus on your goals. She has asked, and I will comply. I understand that this is very different from meeting each others needs that is practiced here.

We are going out on a date tomorrow, if just to spend several hours of UA, without the SF.

We have the reading material, and I plan on starting that tonight.

Please stick to Marriage Builders concepts and avoid mixing in other programs. All you do is weaken the ability of this program to help your marriage. A little of this and a little of that will be a disaster because all you do is water it down. Stick to MB because it is a proven, effective program. A moratorium on sex is insane and will make the problem worse.

The question of the ages:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html

Bad plan on the no sex for 30 days!

This is NOT the way to heal the marriage. I have NO idea what this no more Mr. nice guy thing is, but it is not MB.

Focus on the UA time, and EP's.

Well, last night was great.
We went out on our first organized date. We talked for hours, and I think we both feel better about where we are heading.

She says that she didn't want a moratorium. That's what I heard, but it was a pretty emotional time, so I will go with it.

UA time was great, and SF afterwards was as well. I am looking for a cognitive therapist for my conflict avoidance, but we are going to participate in MB together. I have a list of MB activities that we will work on this weekend, hopefully we will continue to progress.

\

Now THAT is Marriage Builders!

When's the next date? I suggest today or tomorrow.

And how many are you going to plan for each week?

Send her a sexy message every night at bedtime.

I'm just saying .....

John, that's great! The only suggestion I would make is to be sure your conversation is pleasant and enjoyable. It should never involve mistakes of the past or any lovebusters.

Was your long talk enjoyable and pleasant?

This was a bad weekend.
We had two incidents that have set us back to square zero.

I thought we had made progress on Thursday. We spent time together and really talked about where we were, and where we wanted to be, UA, SF, check.

Friday went well until near the end of the day. She had mentioned that we should take off early, around 3pm. Work is slow, so it would be fairly easy. I asked if there was anything she wanted to do when we got home, and she said that there were no plans. So at 3 when she left, she asked if I was right behind her. I said that I wanted to finish a small project before I left, if we didn't have plans.

This is the crux of the first problem. One of my issues that I am working on, is finishing things that I start. I saw this small project could be completed, and I could still get out early. Without a pressing need to be home, I stayed an extra hour, leaving at 4. She called just as I finished up, and was clearly upset. This hit me from left field. I really thought that she would appreciate me finishing, but instead, I had chosen this project over her. She said later that she didn't realize how important us leaving at 3 was at the time, and if I had a clue, the project would have been happily blown off until Monday.

Saturday morning started well, we had an engagement with friends, the guys went one way, and the girls hung out to do some planning. She was concerned that since the guys plans were unknown, that something unseemly may be in the works (I had no part in planning, and would tell her if I knew). I assured her that my married friend, and I would not be taking part in anything like that. I said that I would I would text her what was going on, just so she could feel better. It ended up being dinner and a movie, so I let her know as the night went on.

Sunday started off well, we were to meet some friends and have a no-mother, mothers day. Things worked out well, until the ride home. Saturday's events had lasted until the am, so neither of us got much sleep, and it was biting us on the way home Sunday.

I was driving home, into some fairly horrible traffic that was going the opposite direction. Our guest seeing the traffic, suggested that we could drop her at her end destination to avoid the traffic, as she could not get home and back in that mess.
My wife was texting a mutual friend, and said that we should pick him up, and drop him off too. Unfortunately, this would involve diving head into the fray, and then back out through the bad stuff. I said that I was tired, and wasn't up for it, so I passed. She said that she had agreed to pick him up, and I needed to do it.

My biggest problem now is conflict avoidance. It would have been easier to avoid the fight, and just do it. But I felt disrespected by her committing without asking me, and doubly so because when she asked, I was tired and told her so. Instead of changing the plans she had made with our friend, she proceeded to berate me into going along. Asking is a big guy was really so tired that I couldn't drive ten more minutes. Her friend was embarrassed, and I couldn't believe she was really pressing this.

This was the end of our weekend. We went out to dinner and made small talk, but it was awkward at best.

She made it clear that with all my efforts so far, I have made zero deposits. I feel like my efforts have been sabotaged.
At some point in the past she got frustrated with my lack of involvement with MB and got rid of the MB books. I was going to buy them back today, but after this weekend, I think she is halfway gone. She is still deciding what she wants to do. She said that it would be easier if I left. I am not sure that's true, this is going to be a slog either way we go.

The problem now is the she is broken down, at the same time I am motivated and focused. I see this as a chance to make hay when we can really benefit, I can work on my issues, and we can work on our marriage, so ultimately we could be healthier and happier. Unfortunately you can't commit to these things if you are still pondering divorce.

I don't know if I can ask the board to give her a little sympathy today. She is feeling pretty beat up, and I don't want to see her quit MB. I think that would be the end of us as well.

John, please stay focused and answer the questions we've asked you. They are non-rhetorical and are designed to point to your next action steps.

Whether she is broken down or not, whether she is committed to your marriage or not, whether she is committed to Marriage Builders or not, it is abusive for a husband or wife to berate the other to get them to do what they want.

I would tell her you aren't going to listen to this kind of abuse any more, and the next time it happens, I would end the conversation. I would've just driven straight home in silence.

You don't have to endure abuse just to win the opportunity to make love bank deposits. If you try to do that, you will eventually become so demotivated you don't want to keep going through it. She will give you the opportunity to make love bank deposits when she feels lonely, and it shouldn't require you enduring abuse.

I think we should give you a little sympathy, as well. Punishment is not the key to a good marriage. Focusing on building a happy present and future is! Her berating you builds a miserable present for both of you.


I think she will use this as a way to manipulate you. She may threaten to quit MB and even quit MB, but if you stay the course and don't love bust and are willing to meet her emotional needs (as long as you don't have to put up with abuse to do it!) she will eventually want her needs met and will probably be willing to do it in a way that works for both of you.

Don't worry about her quitting MB for now; just let her know you want to build a good marriage with her, that you want to be faithful to her and meet her emotional needs, and gently but firmly specify that her actions were abusive and that she needs to eliminate her disrespect so that you can enjoy being with her and meeting her emotional needs.

You did make progress. But 1 date is not going to fix everything. You need at least 4 hour dates, 4 times a week, meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs. I've asked you several times and haven't seen an answer yet -- are you going to schedule these dates?

Make sure that you have told your wife clearly and simply that you felt disrespected by the way she handled getting you to pick up her friend. Don't justify this at all; it's your feelings and you don't have to justify it. If she presses you for a reason why it was disrespectful, calmly say, "I just felt it was a disrespectful way to talk to me."

Make sure this is clearly communicated to her, and then drop it. It may take awhile for it to sink in to her that she needs to do something about it.

It is my personal feeling that marriages in crisis don't typically have a lot of time to spend with friends! You guys would be better served getting your time alone.

We need to know if you are going to follow the Marriage Builders policy of scheduling your UA time or not.