So far it seems her only way of justifying this is by saying it has nothing to do with me. That I did nothing wrong, I'm a great guy and don't deserve this, but we just weren't meant for each other. I have heard absolutely *zero* trash talk about me - except that she is furious with me of course.

And her cell phone is on her own account. We split our family plan into 2 separate accounts a few weeks ago. She is paying for it herself.

Just wait. That stage will come.

Your WW's response is typical and right out of the Wayward playbook.


In her mind, she had valid complaints about your M prior to the A. And I would imagine they were valid indeed.

She doesn't see the possibility that a happy future is possible with you at this time.


Somehow you are going to have to find a way to break that hard shell she has with you. Not by being needy and overbearing but being strong, calm and collected.

As said before..James Bond style all the way. Personally, I am a bigger Clint Eastwood fan..

What would Clint do?

Yup, and that's how I acted last night.. cool and calm. The fact that she mentioned it to her friend tells me she noticed. I hope she noticed how good I looked too.

I just sent out another mass exposure letter. the one I wrote a few pages back. I included her phone number on messages to people I thought might not have it.

She did have valid reasons for complaining about the marriage. We definitely spent less time together over the last 2 years or so. I think that is the biggest one. She felt like I wasn't her best friend anymore. I didn't feel that way, but I do believe her when she says she feels that way.

an appropriate tactic to consider is to say:

"I know you are very upset with me and don't see the possibility that we can have a happy future together. However, I have come to realize many things that I did which caused you to lose your love for me and I understand how this could have happened.

Looking back, I see many things that if give another opportunity I would do much differently. After much soul searching and reflection, these things are clear. I still love you very much and I am fighting to save our M. That is the reason why I am doing the things I am doing now. I know we can have an amazing M together if you at some point decide to give us another chance where we can create a M in which we are both happy.

My commitment to you is to stop doing the things which upset you and focus on the things that you like. I know if we give our M another try, we can make it work. This is my olive branch to you. If you are willing to consider another try, I will do my absolute best to be the husband to want and deserve."


Of course she would reject this notion but planting seeds right now may grow fruit in the future.

These are the things that worked for me.

We definitely spent less time together over the last 2 years or so...She felt like I wasn't her best friend anymore...I do believe her when she says she feels that way.

Been there - heard that:

�I was so lonely�� you were never here�.. you didn�t need me�.. I thought you didn�t love me anymore�.. I needed someone to talk to�..I wanted to tell you�..�

Your Plan A, when it gets to it, will be heavily "carrot-based" as was mine. Start prepping yourself NOW for once again being that "best friend". In EVERY interface with acquaintances, emphasize your concern for her emotional and physical well-being, that you want the future to be a great place to spend your lives together, and that you have a program to create the marriage she wants.

20YearHistory - I really like that idea. That is a very big move though, so I'm hoping I can get some second opinions from you guys?

NG - she hasn't really said those things, she just thinks I'm literally incapable of being her friend anymore. That's what she told me. When I told her I wanted to work on things, we'd spend more time together etc, she said "There's nothing you can do, it's just.. YOU.."

Just got a message from her Mom after sending out the mass exposure update... Here it is.. How should I reply?

Handled badly, You'll just push her further and further away, Sounds like she's made up her mind to me?? There's a fine line between loving her with all your heart and CRAZY! Right now, you remind me of the nut job WS's sister hangs out with. There used to be a saying, Don't air your dirty laundry in public. That means, don't tell the whole world what goes on in your private life. Sorry if your hurt, But keep in mind, She's an adult, capable of making her own decisions. You won't even be friends when all is said and done. K. Thats all, Just was wondering where my daughter was????

Note that this "nut job" she is talking about is an alcoholic and physically abuses WS's sister.

Not sure why she thinks an affair should be a private matter? We were married in front of all our family and friends - that wasn't private.

What I want to say to her-

"It hurts me to know that I remind you of someone that physically abuses your daughter. I do not believe an affair should be a private matter. Our marriage was not private, we gave our vows in front of all of our friends and family."

"MIL- I understand how you could see these things through your eyes. The things I am doing are to try to save our M. You may not understand my methods. However, this is what I am trying to do. I still love her very much and I hope you can at least respect my postion. I believe we still have a chance to recover our M and have a great relationship. Everything I do is out of love for her. With your help, I know these things are possible. Regards."

Cool, that's what I said back. I hate being so emotionally involved! You guys are awesome.

Just say "Thanks for your sincere opinions. I hope you are well and looking forward to Mother's Day."

You can't get into trouble if you keep your response neutral.
Remember, you want to remain her SIL.
Don't argue with an uninformed relative. Just be polite.
You can argue with her later. (or not)

This is what she said back:

You can love her to the bone, But if she doesn't love you back, Its kinda creepy, It could almost be stalking....You can't force her to love you.

Should I reply?

You don't need to reply. But, for next time ....

"A great woman is worth my effort."

Keep any/all replies to her Mom positive and complimentary about her daughter, as she was before her A.

Maybe throw in some Biblical truths about exposing evil and unconditional love??

This text would be a big commitment - do all agree I should send something like this?