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If I threaten to counter-sue for divorce on grounds of adultery, isn't that getting a little malicious at that point? I don't want to coerce her back to me. I want her to want to come back.
Me: BH, 28 WW, 26 Married September 2005 D-Day: April 7, 2013 A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Just got a text from WS' sister as a response to the mass exposure e-mail today:
Hey BS. You have to stop. WS is the first you have been with so you don't understand that you need to give space. The more you push or act interested the more she will run to OM. The best possible thing to do is to try to move on for now. If you ever want her back. People want what they cannot have. This is from someone with a lot of breakup experience...
What do you guys think? Should I respond?
Me: BH, 28 WW, 26 Married September 2005 D-Day: April 7, 2013 A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Just got a text from WS' sister as a response to the mass exposure e-mail today:
Hey BS. You have to stop. WS is the first you have been with so you don't understand that you need to give space. The more you push or act interested the more she will run to OM. The best possible thing to do is to try to move on for now. If you ever want her back. People want what they cannot have. This is from someone with a lot of breakup experience...
What do you guys think? Should I respond?
No response necessary other than "Thanks for your thoughts. Stay well."
Does anyone have a link to a thread that most closely resembles my scenario that successfully recovered? I feel like in most affairs, the cheater at least kind of goes back and forth, and feels guilty, and isn't sure what they want to do, and is confused. My wife shows no remorse whatsoever, she is cold, careless, just wants out, wants nothing to do with me. I think while I'm in this waiting period it would be really beneficial for me to read about a success story that closely resembles mine. Thanks,
Me: BH, 28 WW, 26 Married September 2005 D-Day: April 7, 2013 A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
If I threaten to counter-sue for divorce on grounds of adultery, isn't that getting a little malicious at that point? I don't want to coerce her back to me. I want her to want to come back.
Having an affair is malicious, suing on accurate and truthful grounds is not. You don't have the power to coerce her back. But you should inject as much havoc as possible into the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
If I threaten to counter-sue for divorce on grounds of adultery, isn't that getting a little malicious at that point? I don't want to coerce her back to me. I want her to want to come back.
Having an affair is malicious, suing on accurate and truthful grounds is not. You don't have the power to coerce her back. But you should inject as much havoc as possible into the affair.
Good point, good point. I just kind of feel like potentially sending her to jail for 6 months is the ultimate love buster, lol.
Me: BH, 28 WW, 26 Married September 2005 D-Day: April 7, 2013 A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
If I threaten to counter-sue for divorce on grounds of adultery, isn't that getting a little malicious at that point? I don't want to coerce her back to me. I want her to want to come back.
Having an affair is malicious, suing on accurate and truthful grounds is not. You don't have the power to coerce her back. But you should inject as much havoc as possible into the affair.
Good point, good point. I just kind of feel like potentially sending her to jail for 6 months is the ultimate love buster, lol.
And here again, you don't have the power to send her to jail. If she goes to jail it would be because she broke the law. Your job is to not roll over. Be cooperative when it is healthy for your marriage and be mr. Havoc when it comes to the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Question - about how long after an affair ends does it take for the fog to completely lift? Or does it vary too much to give even a ballpark number?
It varies. My H defogged almost immediately because the fallout with his employer and with me was so severe. Let's just say that reality kicked him through the goal posts. Some go through withdrawal for weeks. Others take a little longer.
A lot of it has to do with how proactive the couple is regarding recovery. UA time is critical. The posters who seem to have transitioned through recovery best are the ones who are committed to getting their UA time in.
Why do you ask?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Dude, the affair in your case is still active! This is not the time to start contemplating "How high is up?" types of questions.
But to give you some perspective, the range runs from maybe 72 hours to NEVER. Yes, some WWs, even after the affair is over, even after the POSOM has told her to stay away from him, NEVER get out of the fog. They have decided that the "perfect man" is still out there, and if he weren't POSOM, he sure as hell ain't BH, either.
When you started your thread I gave you my honest assessment of the poor odds of ever reconciling with WW. They have only very marginally improved.
Well, poor odds or not, I am not giving up now. I just really hope somehow this affair ends. Them moving in together is good, and the OM's parents pushing him to end the relationship is good. The business they work for doesn't seem to give two craps about it, unfortunately. If the affair could just somehow end, I feel like I'd have a better feel for where my wife would be at.
Me: BH, 28 WW, 26 Married September 2005 D-Day: April 7, 2013 A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
I've been kind of making a list in my head of everything I could have done better as a husband. Would it be wise to send her an "I'm sorry I didn't..." list ? To show her I recognize what I could have done better to meet her EN? Or is this too needy in any way? And if it is a good idea, I obviously wouldn't do it right now, as she is furious with me at the moment.
Me: BH, 28 WW, 26 Married September 2005 D-Day: April 7, 2013 A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
Well, poor odds or not, I am not giving up now. I just really hope somehow this affair ends. Them moving in together is good, and the OM's parents pushing him to end the relationship is good. The business they work for doesn't seem to give two craps about it, unfortunately. If the affair could just somehow end, I feel like I'd have a better feel for where my wife would be at.
Yes, but NG is correct and that's why I asked why you wanted to know. I know you're looking forward and trying to be optimistic, but don't derail your current efforts by mentally jumping ahead to recovery when you're still where you are. This is a day-to-day thing, OJ.
I would suggest you spend some time reading the articles here. You asked about UA time (Undivided Attention) - have you read the Basic Concepts? Not being snarky - just curious. It's good for you to read that.
And to answer for question: Read about UA time here.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Adultery is a felony here in Michigan....but hasn't been prosecuted for years. Those old adultery laws aren't prosecuted anywhere that I know of....so she won't be put in jail anytime soon (though it would do her some good).
It's too bad it isn't enforced. sigh. OJ, I suspect you are a gamer. You mentioned that before, may have something to do with taking away from your UA time. But like the others said that is putting the cart before the horse. What are you planning to do with the extra time you'll have now that you're taking a break from affair busting?
