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an appropriate tactic to consider is to say:
"I know you are very upset with me and don't see the possibility that we can have a happy future together. However, I have come to realize many things that I did which caused you to lose your love for me and I understand how this could have happened.
Looking back, I see many things that if give another opportunity I would do much differently. After much soul searching and reflection, these things are clear. I still love you very much and I am fighting to save our M. That is the reason why I am doing the things I am doing now. I know we can have an amazing M together if you at some point decide to give us another chance where we can create a M in which we are both happy.
My commitment to you is to stop doing the things which upset you and focus on the things that you like. I know if we give our M another try, we can make it work. This is my olive branch to you. If you are willing to consider another try, I will do my absolute best to be the husband to want and deserve."
Of course she would reject this notion but planting seeds right now may grow fruit in the future.
These are the things that worked for me. This text would be a big commitment - do all agree I should send something like this? My suggestion is you back off for a couple days and let the dust settle but I would like to see the experts opinions. I think its easy for WS's to get overwhelmed with all the lies and deception they are trying to deal with/cover up. Settle in and be that soft, safe spot for her if needed.
Last edited by Justlooking24; 05/07/13 10:15 AM.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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The blaming you will come like Just said it is a playbook. THEY ALL DO IT!
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I just talked to OM's Mom for over an hour. We are mostly on the same page. She wants to see their relationship end. It was kind of a painful conversation, because apparently OM told his Mom that he thought I was a really good guy, and that my wife had told him that she had just simply fallen out of love with me.
The one thing she said that I didn't like, is that in the end, if my wife is the person that OM brings home, that they would indeed accept her into their family, because if not they would not be properly showing love to their son.
arrggg...
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Got it. OM's Mom is a wayward-enabling moron!
(BTW: Did you happen to ask her how her DIL's therapy was going?)
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I just talked to OM's Mom for over an hour. We are mostly on the same page. She wants to see their relationship end. It was kind of a painful conversation, because apparently OM told his Mom that he thought I was a really good guy, and that my wife had told him that she had just simply fallen out of love with me.
The one thing she said that I didn't like, is that in the end, if my wife is the person that OM brings home, that they would indeed accept her into their family, because if not they would not be properly showing love to their son.
arrggg... More fogbabble !!! If there son brought home a diseased, heroin addict would they "accept" her?
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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If there son brought home a diseased, heroin addict or a gay transvestite would they "accept" her?
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I tried saying something similar, and she got VERY offended, I quickly apologized, telling her I was very emotional right now, because I do NOT want to make enemies with this person.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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I could just tell she cares about her SON more than ANYTHING else. She was very protective of her son, while still admitting what he was doing was wrong.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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She said she was worried he would get her pregnant, and I told her that even if that happened, and WS wanted to come back to me, I would STILL be willing to save our marriage, recover, and even raise the child. I was really trying to pound it into her how much she means to me.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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I also told her to relay a message to her son for me - I told her to tell him that if I misrepresented him in any way when this whole thing started, that I apologize, that I am not angry, I hold no ill will, but he needs to leave my wife alone and never contact her again.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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OJ
You won't even be friends when all is said and done.
Nope that fantasy that WW can dump you but still be friends, perhaps double dating as couples laughing together, with the implicit blessing and forgiveness of WWs adultery is never going to happen.
Everyone will know how WW and OM became a couple, and they will not be able to tell cute and innocent stories, OM will have to check for crosshairs on his head for the rest of his life.
Make that perfectly clear, unless of course you want to start a facebook affair with your exWW two years from now when WW feels emotionally abandoned by OM, then send all the info to OM and his family.
God Bless
Gamma
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Make sure WW knows where she will stand with the ILs in the future if Sonny-boy ever decides she doesn't suit him anymore.
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Once I got to the point that I wasn't going to ALLOW myself to get sucked into anyone else's drama (texts, emails, conversations etc) it was liberating.
Who gives 2 Sh*!ts what MIL thinks? I mean really...
You are plotting your course and in complete control of you. Let everyone else believe and feel the way they do.
In the end, the best you can do is just your best.
Your M may very well end..it may very well recover. Too early to tell.
When you look back in a few years from now regardless of how this goes, you will be much wiser and look at the world much differently. MB will do that for you.
I agree that backing off from this whole deal for a few days or couple of weeks might just be the best medicine. Let the effects of exposure and the position you are taking grow some roots.
Plus, most likely you need a mental break.
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 05/07/13 11:52 AM.
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Ya, I have done a ton of damage in a very short amount of time. Time to sit back for a bit I think.
edit: Which is going to be hard, because being pro-active about this is what is keeping me not-so-depressed right now.
Last edited by OddJob123; 05/07/13 11:59 AM.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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an appropriate tactic to consider is to say:
"I know you are very upset with me and don't see the possibility that we can have a happy future together. However, I have come to realize many things that I did which caused you to lose your love for me and I understand how this could have happened.
Looking back, I see many things that if give another opportunity I would do much differently. After much soul searching and reflection, these things are clear. I still love you very much and I am fighting to save our M. That is the reason why I am doing the things I am doing now. I know we can have an amazing M together if you at some point decide to give us another chance where we can create a M in which we are both happy.
My commitment to you is to stop doing the things which upset you and focus on the things that you like. I know if we give our M another try, we can make it work. This is my olive branch to you. If you are willing to consider another try, I will do my absolute best to be the husband to want and deserve."
Of course she would reject this notion but planting seeds right now may grow fruit in the future.
These are the things that worked for me. This text would be a big commitment - do all agree I should send something like this? If you wanted to consider saying something like this the delivery might be stronger in person or on the phone. I have moved away from text messaging and emails. Too easy to misinterpret what someone is saying without the emotion behind the voice. Timing is everything. You could keep this in your back pocket for the right time. Familiar with the 24hr rule? ...wait 24 hours before you reply or send any major emails/texts/phone conversations....sometimes you just might see things differently once thoughts have marinated for a while and emotions have mellowed..
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Ya, I have done a ton of damage in a very short amount of time. Time to sit back for a bit I think.
edit: Which is going to be hard, because being pro-active about this is what is keeping me not-so-depressed right now. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing....
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Ya, I have done a ton of damage in a very short amount of time. Time to sit back for a bit I think.
edit: Which is going to be hard, because being pro-active about this is what is keeping me not-so-depressed right now. Standing back and taking a breath and thinking about a cohesive plan is pro-active. Don't confuse reactive with pro-active.
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If you need to be doing something to not be depressed, do something else good for you, like exercising. Go for a run! That'll really wear you out but you'll have accomplished something.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Ya, I have done a ton of damage in a very short amount of time. Time to sit back for a bit I think.
edit: Which is going to be hard, because being pro-active about this is what is keeping me not-so-depressed right now. By sitting back and taking yourself out of the picture, their focus will become all the problems in their affair. You can sit back while the affair crumbles, looking like the more attractive option. You have caused a lot of damage in the affair so now you can take a break and watch for the first sign of collapse.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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