I agree with MelodyLane's advise here, it's time to have faith in the MB plan.
It's time to let the affair crumble on it's own means because it's a fantasy not reality and when reality hits it watch how the fairytale comes apart.
Go ahead get educated with all the MB ways, work on you so when your WW finally sees the light the transition to a better marriage will be easy from your end and you will be able to lead her and help her ..........
You might think you are helpless and hopeless but you aren't having faith is the hard part......
keep things simple with the families, just keep saying you will do what you have to save your marriage and your wife from herself.......
but leave it at that......
stay busy, look good.....in the end you will be so different and confident if the marriage doesn't survive you will be okay and better for it....
Let the OM dig his own hole, let him feel the burden he has taken on. Don't be any part of helping the affair live it's life......Cut her totally off........
Let her know she is on her own until she comes to her senses......
you need to learn to be still for a little bit.........

I did not read the whole thing, I will momentarily.

So last night I was an emotional wreck. WS's whole family is so pissed at me right now. WS must have contacted her brother, because he called me up and he was borderline threatening me if I didn't leave WS alone. Called me a stalker, said I was slandering her name, that I was crazy, that I am only pusher her farther away, that I shouldn't be spamming people on facebook, that if I want to talk to people I can call them on the phone, but I have no business posting this crap on the internet. He was pretty pissed. Her whole family definitely has her back now.. They have no concept of marriage and commitment, and what it means to betray someone like she has. They are so used to being in or seeing people in bad or abusive relationships, that they probably assume this whole thing is my fault.

I don't know what to do about her family at this point, right now they just hate me for what I am trying to do here.

I would encourage you to totally back off at this point.

If it were me, I would not file any type of legal action at this point. Just wait a few weeks and see how things shake out.

Please keep in mind it took her a long time to fall out of love wih you. It will take time for the A to end (usually 6mos - 2yrs) and fall out of love with POSOM.

Patience my man. Stay calm. Her family and others are coming from a place that most of us were pre-MB.

It is understandable. I encourage you to focus on yourself right now. Exercise. Have some fun with some friends.

Let this thing cool off for a few weeks. Sit back and see what happens.

Her family has no idea how A's happen, how they end and how to save a M. Remember that. Just lay low.

This isn't about you and her family right now. Who cares. It is about you and your WW.

Let them believe what they want to believe.

Truth is, I would be pissed if I were her brother. He wants to protect her and you can understand that. But he is not backing you and supporting your M.--that may be a big sticking point in the future if you do R with your WW. However, you have every right to do what you are doing. Period.

You know in your heart you are not doing it to slander her or anyone. You are doing this to save your M.

Ya, I will back off completely for a few weeks. Within that time there is a good chance she will give me divorce papers, should that happen, should I still tell her I won't talk divorce, only M, and that if she sues me for divorce, I will counter-sue on grounds of adultery?

OJ,

Part of what is going on here is that you are not following the betrayed spouse script, where the BS backs down, absorbs all the pain without showing emotion, blames himself, goes along with his WWs lies and never recovers. Instead you have reclaimed your man card and honor.

because he called me up and he was borderline threatening me if I didn't leave WS alone. Called me a stalker,

Then what is OM a stalker that succeeded?

said I was slandering her name,

Ask him is anything you said is untrue.

I don't know what to do about her family at this point, right now they just hate me for what I am trying to do here.

Anyone who fights evil makes enemies.

God Bless
Gamma

When he said I was slandering her name, I quickly pointed out that NOTHING I said were lies, and he actually quickly backed down after I said that.

Thanks for posting that Gamma.. Have been feeling really depressed this morning, but reading that made me feel a bit better. You guys are awesome.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about that right now. Just wait and see what happens. If it does happen, deal with it then.

I'm sure you are completely emotionally taxed right now.

Working on OJ can be very healing. Focusing on being the best YOU that you can be each and every day�. Self-improvement can be very mentally healthy.

That is why taking a big break right now might be just what you need.

Ya, you are right 20year. And yes I feel very emotionally drained. Feeling quite depressed this morning, having a hard time being productive at work. I feel like I did a week after the separation. Feels like I've back-pedaled.

Finding the right balance between dealing with the situation and the rest of your life is very difficult. I totally understand.


I found the more I was able to be successful at work, my other relationships and my children the stronger I became emotionally.


It is so easy for this to completly consume you. Re-directing my focus on other things while my situation played itself out was difficult but necessary.

Exercise was a huge boost for me. After a while, my self confidence started to increase and I started to let go a little of the things I couldn't control.

That is when she came back to me. Women are attracted to confidence not neediness.

THAT is how you are going to win her back.

What would Clint do?? Dude is cool as all get out...and the lady's love him for it.

What to be part of my life? Cool. Don't want to be? ..ok,cool. your loss.

Took me a long time to get there. The sooner you do..the quicker you are going to be mentally strong.

Have you seen your Dr about some AD's?

Dr Harley highly recommends it. Might be something to consider.

edit; One more thing. When the time is right you have to ATTRACT her back...not FORCE her back.. Big difference.

She will have to WANT to part of the OJ show. It will be up to you to create the environment for you to be irresistible. Better yourself..make YOU the best option for her.. Get your life in order that you totally have it going on�you are irresistible. Being part of the OJ show is the ride of a lifetime!

You know how to meet her needs..you know how to let things go..you don�t ever Love Bust�You are not judgmental, you don�t yell or scream to get your way�you are just easy going and realistic.

See where I am going?

Clint man..Clint..

I was going to, but I had read that it is important to go through the grieving process naturally. But since I am intentionally keeping myself emotionally involved and not giving up - therefore extending the grieving process - perhaps I should see a doctor.

Dr Harley would totally disagree with you. Take his word for it. Go see a doc and get what you need right now.

Also, working out makes you look more attractive and increases your energy. I lost a lot a weight during my "me" time and I feel wonderful. As for her enabling family, its just a phase. My MIL and SIL said the same thing. Now I get text and cards apologizing for WW's actions. In other words, #$#$ them. Work on OJ. I took up cooking to keep my weight down and improve myself. Do you have children? Take a parenting class. Anger issues take an anger class. Once again WORKOUT! Also, your in a dangerous state of mind. Do not get yourself involved in an affair because of your depression! Keep your boundaries up. I use this phrase when I get asked or hit on by women. "I am flattered at your advances but I am married and emotionally unavailable right now."

No, no kids. I have been working out a lot. Luckily I am not in a position where I am around a lot of women.

I don't think you are "Extending" the process at all.



This is the way most people in your situation handle things.

They give up or do the old, if you love them set them free kind of thing where they linger on for months hoping their wife comes back to them or gives them some glimmer of hope while she continues her sexcapade illicit love affair with OM. Such BH's sit in limbo for MONTHS even years waiting for something to end without even asking for it. Then, all to often, they get mad and seek out love and affection themselves in the arms of another woman and there is no shortage of women that will jump on an emotional distraught betrayed husband because he's like a puppy dog they found at the local rescue. Other such betrayed husbands get mad at every wayward out there (even though many are now wayward themselves) and they jump on the internet infidelity forums telling everyone to give up and that cheaters never repent or reform. Then, eventually, 95 out of 100 times the affair ends in 2 years but the marriage is long over and two much animosity has gone under the bridge to repair and rebuild anything. All that's left is regret. Regret for a wasted married and regret for the time wasted trying to save something they wonder now whether or not it was ever savable (most of the time it was). Then the couple has that one conversation where the former wayward wife says "why didn't you fight for me", "I didn't think you loved me or would even care" or "why did you just let me go".

Whereas THIS process...this MB methodology has you in there fighting. She's gonna know you care and want her. Sure...it's tough today. But you are in there trying to bust up and kill that affair. Sometimes they end quick and you get a greatest chance to save your marriage...sometimes exposure takes time and other times...the affair couple just sticks it out and stays together. However, if they stick together they do so clutching in fear of exposure versus the complete denial of reality and affair, cough, bliss. If they don't stop the affair you will move to Plan B. There you will be separating yourself from this madness and essentially moving on with your life as though she's never coming back. This is the 2nd part of the MB process where you completely back off and focus on yourself. You'll be holding on to a little hope but as the months pass...that too will fade. If she never wakes up...in a year or so (you don't have kids so two years is likely too long) you'll be done with it and prepared to move on emotionally. You aren't prepared to "move on emotionally" today so why do people insist you try? However, the best part of MB is when you do "move on" you'll be doing so knowing you gave your wife (and your vows) the best effort. You fought a noble fight for what is right and having done so will be able to put the past to rest without that nagging question "What if I had fought for her or tried harder?".

You win no matter the outcome. You wife, on the other hand, is going to have a miserable life if she doesn't come back to you. She's the pitiful one here...not you.

Mr. W


p.s. - one advantage to backing off a bit is they are, right now, scrambling to put out fires. She's calling her mom and brother and others talking about how crazy you are. If you keep going you support her arguments against you with these people. Instead...you sit back and then they are left wondering what you are up to. Where is the next attack coming. She (and OM) become obsessed trying to figure out YOUR next move. Now...in a couple days...she MAY be willing to talk to you because SHE wants information about your doings.

Thanks for the post MW.. I kind of choked up reading it, realizing its truth. I think I'm going to give it more than a couple days before I try contacting her though. The fact that she called her brother, I'm sure in hopes that he would call me and set me "straight", tells me that she actually may be a little bit scared of me right now in a way. Desperate to get rid of me, for me to stop all this, to just let her go. I'm not sure I should contact her while she is in this state of mind.

I really hope that one day she's sees what I'm doing as "fighting for her". Because right now I think she sees it as desperate, pathetic, needy, clingy, and crazy.

+1000 should be a sticky

I have to agree.