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With you out of the picture, she will expect him to meet all of her EN's. Plus OM will probably expect more from her.
Might not work out as they thought it would. They rarely do.
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That would be nice 20Year - although currently neither of them seem to care that everyone and their dog knows about the affair. I think a lot of that has to do with my wife being in denial about it being in an affair. In her eyes, this is what happened:
1. She realized she wasn't happy with me
2. She left me
3. Found someone new
Where is the affair I keep telling everyone about??? (Again, this is her muddied perspective)
Reality:
1. She found someone new
2. Convinced herself she wasn't happy
3. Left me
Last edited by OddJob123; 05/09/13 01:20 PM.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Posts: 335
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My birthday is July 20th. I will be turning 29. If I get to that point and my wife is still knee deep in her affair, and is still not wanting to have a civil discussion with me, isn't willing to go out with me, or anything, and I see no hope at all, I may call it. 3 month may not be a reasonable time frame. I have heard 6 months to 1 year are reasonable. This is not a quick process.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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My birthday is July 20th. I will be turning 29. If I get to that point and my wife is still knee deep in her affair, and is still not wanting to have a civil discussion with me, isn't willing to go out with me, or anything, and I see no hope at all, I may call it. 3 month may not be a reasonable time frame. I have heard 6 months to 1 year are reasonable. This is not a quick process. Ya, I understand. It will just depend on where things are at by then. I am saying if there has been NO signs of progress at all at that point, I may call it. Also, know that she has been having at least an emotional affair with this guy since the beginning of February. So it actually has been 3 months since the actual affair started.
Last edited by OddJob123; 05/09/13 01:22 PM.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
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My birthday is July 20th. I will be turning 29. If I get to that point and my wife is still knee deep in her affair, and is still not wanting to have a civil discussion with me, isn't willing to go out with me, or anything, and I see no hope at all, I may call it. 3 month may not be a reasonable time frame. I have heard 6 months to 1 year are reasonable. This is not a quick process. Ya, I understand. It will just depend on where things are at by then. I am saying if there has been NO signs of progress at all at that point, I may call it. Also, know that she has been having at least an emotional affair with this guy since the beginning of February. So it actually has been 3 months since the actual affair started. As example it took about 4 months for my wife to show any sign at all and it was very very small. At the one year mark I felt "safe" to continue with recovery.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
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Are you comfortable sharing what that very very small sign was? Did she contact you or something?
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
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That would be nice 20Year - although currently neither of them seem to care that everyone and their dog knows about the affair. I think a lot of that has to do with my wife being in denial about it being in an affair. In her eyes, this is what happened:
1. She realized she wasn't happy with me
2. She left me
3. Found someone new
Where is the affair I keep telling everyone about??? (Again, this is her muddied perspective)
Reality:
1. She found someone new
2. Convinced herself she wasn't happy
3. Left me How would you have any idea what is really going on behind the scenes with them right now? That is simply your hypothesis. �your perception. Have you not heard Dr Harley�s statistics about A�s? Most die a natural death within 2 year. Of those who do marry something like 2-3% (others correct me if I am wrong) ever make it long-term. I would say the odds of that relationship lasting are not very good. The bigger question is if you are going to be there for her when she does crash and burn..because she will. No one has a crystal ball my friend. No one knows how it is going to play out.
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You're right, that's only my perception. For all I know she is going through some intense emotional turmoil right now. My perception of her not caring comes from the way she talks to me. So cold about it, so determined to see her course through to the end.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Posts: 335
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Are you comfortable sharing what that very very small sign was? Did she contact you or something? She asked me to wait for a week before filing the completed divorce forms.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
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You're right, that's only my perception. For all I know she is going through some intense emotional turmoil right now. I almost guarantee it.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
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Are you comfortable sharing what that very very small sign was? Did she contact you or something? She asked me to wait for a week before filing the completed divorce forms. Something as simple of that would completely revitalize me right now, heh.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
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That would be nice 20Year - although currently neither of them seem to care that everyone and their dog knows about the affair. I think a lot of that has to do with my wife being in denial about it being in an affair. In her eyes, this is what happened:
1. She realized she wasn't happy with me
2. She left me
3. Found someone new
Where is the affair I keep telling everyone about??? (Again, this is her muddied perspective)
Reality:
1. She found someone new
2. Convinced herself she wasn't happy
3. Left me OJ- That is the exact script for almost every A. Including my FWW!! Don't you see how run of the mill they are?? That is why MB is so awesome. It works for every A. Possibility: 1. She crashes and burns 2. She commits to recovery 3. You heal your M and live happily ever after. It is a direct possibility. I am living proof my friend.
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You're right, that's only my perception. For all I know she is going through some intense emotional turmoil right now. I almost guarantee it. Heh, I hope you're right! Though she keeps telling everyone that she is happier than she's ever been right now.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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For all I know she is going through some intense emotional turmoil right now. Man..if she isn't then as hard as it is to accept..why would you want to be with her? However, I too guarantee she is going through intense emotional turmoil.. Time..Time..Time will reveal all.
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For all I know she is going through some intense emotional turmoil right now. Man..if she isn't then as hard as it is to accept..why would you want to be with her? However, I too guarantee she is going through intense emotional turmoil.. Time..Time..Time will reveal all. No, you're right. If she isn't, I don't think I would want to be with her. When I heard she was telling people she's "happier than she's ever been", that hurt more than anything she has actually did, because that meant she was HAPPY about hurting the one she used to profess to love more than anything could ever hurt him.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,153
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The thing you are not considering right now is how you will feel if/when you guys get back together.
Let me tell you..just compensation from a WS is a HUGE chore.
Resentment from the BS is immense. Just keep in mind right now that you have done nothing wrong. Nothing.
Sure you probably weren't the best H. I wasn't.
But, right now you have to be real. If she did come back your work would only just begin. The mountain is huge to climb in R.
R is measured in years. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
OJ- keep your chin up brother. Stand tall. Be strong right now. Stand behind your decisions.
Guarantee all is not well in A-land. No way.
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I am willing to put in that work, even if the recovery took 5 years, or even longer. It's the not knowing, and honestly the feeling of no hope that she will ever commit to R that has me down. I am naturally a very forgiving person. Will there be resentment on my end? Of course, but if I can get to R, I am most definitely willing to put in the work.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
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When I heard she was telling people she's "happier than she's ever been", that hurt more than anything she has actually did, because that meant she was HAPPY about hurting the one she used to profess to love more than anything could ever hurt him. My wifes similar statement was: "Just lost 200lbs of dead weight in a divorce and I'm ready to have fun".
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 335
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I am willing to put in that work, even if the recovery took 5 years, or even longer. It's the not knowing, and honestly the feeling of no hope that she will ever commit to R that has me down. I am naturally a very forgiving person. Will there be resentment on my end? Of course, but if I can get to R, I am most definitely willing to put in the work. Odd, Regardless is your marriage recovers or not you have a bright, full future ahead of you. You are going to be okay either way. Learn this and understand this. Its frees you from daily guessing and wondering. It really doesn't matter what she does now or if she recovers or not. You are fine.
BH: 46
FWW: 44
3 DD: 20,17,11
Married 24 years
PA/EA: 5/08
DDay: 6/08
NC: 8/08
Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08
In Recovery
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 513
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OP
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When I heard she was telling people she's "happier than she's ever been", that hurt more than anything she has actually did, because that meant she was HAPPY about hurting the one she used to profess to love more than anything could ever hurt him. My wifes similar statement was: "Just lost 200lbs of dead weight in a divorce and I'm ready to have fun". Ouch............. Do Men WS' say and do these things too?? So horrible!
Last edited by OddJob123; 05/09/13 01:59 PM.
Me: BH, 28
WW, 26
Married September 2005
D-Day: April 7, 2013
A started in February, 2013, and is ongoing
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