|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708 |
Car washing/polishing.
Garbage taking out.
Yard work.
Bouquet of flowers.
Not peeing on the floor in the bathroom....
Not leaving whiskers in sink after shaving......
these are the household things that appeal to me in a spouse and make Love Bank deposits.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107 |
I have Surviving an Affair. Love Busters and 5 Steps Workbook is on the way. I can and will do as suggested.
WW has complained that I did not help out with household stuff, so I am trying to do a few things to demonstrate I am wiling to do anything. I have clear instructions not to wash certain clothes, and she prefers to fold her own clothes--so I just fold mine and the kids. In the 1st 6 weeks of the affair she was doing very little at home and things got way backed up.
The love busters damage is a bid deal. WW sees everything i do in relation to the affair as inordinate control. If I check her phone, ask her if she has emailed OM, ask my daughter if mom is with her etc.
Also, with the intel I am collecting, she frequently tells others that she loves the OM very much--going to stay with me and kids-- but loves OM none the less and does not feel ashamed, bad, or guilty about it. So I am worried about comms. resurfacing with OM.
Thanks again for input.
Me: BH 42
Her: WW 41
Married 23 years
D-Day March 2, 2013
E-Day April 8, 2013
5 Kids ages 16-22, 3 boys & 2 girls
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I asked him what he had washed pans with all these years. [a few times he has "washed" a pan after he cooked and left it in the sink to dry - I always rewashed it after he left because it looked dirty] He said "hot water." T/J NOW I know why I always have to re-wash the dishes Mr. Bliss washes!   Just be sure your husband KNOWS what the Dawn dishwashing liquid is for!!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The love busters damage is a bid deal. WW sees everything i do in relation to the affair as inordinate control. If I check her phone, ask her if she has emailed OM, ask my daughter if mom is with her etc. That is not a lovebuster to check up on her. But it would be much better if you would spy on her so she doesn't know it. Do you have a GPS on her? Do you have spyware on her phone? Find a more clever way of spying on her so she doesn't know you are doing it. Put a keylogger on her computer and you won't have to ask if she has emailed the OM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 1,650 |
I see you drove that weasel away, you won that battle now to fix her issues with you. That is the hardest battle IMO because you honestly need to look at yourself and have something waywards don't have when the affair is over. HUMILITY. Here's an idea why not ask her to join you on your morning run? As for the drinking cut that out all together and stop the preaching. Are you both going to church as a family? If not you should let the pastor handle that. Don't do counseling use the call center. It's better from what I read.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Just so you know, ONE lovebuster ERASES about a month of good behavior. Every single time you commit a lovebuster you remind her of all the things that have pushed her away.
For emphasis !!!!!!! This is true now, because of her state of mind (withdrawal). Later, in a healthy POJA-working, loving marriage (state of intimacy), this "one month" erasure is not necessarily the case. For now, POJA things that are NOT related to her adultery/OM/snooping surveillance/etc. POJA recreation. POJA food. POJA household chores. Make it your business to POJA non-adultery decisions as often as possible. It's good practice for you and will stop you from love busting. If you take the time/effort to POJA your drinking beer, you will not love-bust. W must be enthusiastic about the POJA choice. Is this easy right now? Oh hell no. But, you better start to learn now. Do you know how to get to Carnegie Hall? Practice Practice Practice Mr Pep has my love-bank filled. When he occasionally does a love-buster - I tell him about it and he corrects. I do not erase all our progress based on one love busting event. But, your W does.POJA is the cornerstone to maintaining the "state of intimacy" and prevents love busters. So, POJA every opportunity. This will take time, discipline, effort, and a ton of self-soothing on your part. Love maintenance, like car maintenance, prevents break-downs.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
I asked him what he had washed pans with all these years...He said "hot water."
News Bulletin: The 2013 MB Barbecue will NOT be held, as planned, in Oklahoma! Stay tuned for further developments....
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I asked him what he had washed pans with all these years...He said "hot water."
News Bulletin: The 2013 MB Barbecue will NOT be held, as planned, in Oklahoma! Stay tuned for further developments.... Listen here, I have always gone behind him and REWASHED those pans!!!  I would never put a pan of his in my clean cabinets!!  When he cooks, I MAKE SURE he washes his hands too!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I asked him what he had washed pans with all these years...He said "hot water."
News Bulletin: The 2013 MB Barbecue will NOT be held, as planned, in Oklahoma! Stay tuned for further developments.... Listen here, I have always gone behind him and REWASHED those pans!!! I would never put a pan of his in my clean cabinets!! When he cooks, I MAKE SURE he washes his hands too!! THREAD JACK IN PROGRESS !!!!!! I remember when Mr Mel used Mel's cooking/roasting pan to change the oil in his car ! Most surprising of all, he lived !!!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I remember when Mr Mel used Mel's cooking/roasting pan to change the oil in his car !  He changed the oil in MY car and proudly took me out to the driveway to tell me! And there laid my BEST ROASTING PAN on the ground! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
He changed the oil in MY car and proudly took me out to the driveway to tell me! And there laid my BEST ROASTING PAN on the ground! Lovebank neutral?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 107 |
Intercepted this text to a friend this am RE WW crying last night:
"I hate that I hurt H, I miss OM, and sometimes I just hate my life- probably depression"
Def WD right? Not sure about what to do when she is so sad--heck I'm not sure if she is sad for us or OM most of the time.
RE POJA, she started talking about wanting input on any "new crap" I might try and buy her. Like a cruise, new kitchen table, etc.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Me: BH 42
Her: WW 41
Married 23 years
D-Day March 2, 2013
E-Day April 8, 2013
5 Kids ages 16-22, 3 boys & 2 girls
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,469 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,469 Likes: 4 |
Intercepted this text to a friend this am RE WW crying last night:
"I hate that I hurt H, I miss OM, and sometimes I just hate my life- probably depression"
Def WD right? Not sure about what to do when she is so sad--heck I'm not sure if she is sad for us or OM most of the time.
RE POJA, she started talking about wanting input on any "new crap" I might try and buy her. Like a cruise, new kitchen table, etc.
Thanks for the encouragement. Have you seen this? But, as you have already discovered, the first few weeks of separation from a lover are very painful. You are addicted to your lover, and separation from the object of your addiction has triggered symptoms of withdrawal -- a compulsive craving for him with intense feelings of anxiety and depression. However, if you completely avoid seeing or communicating with your lover, those feelings of anxiety and depression will gradually fade. For most people they fade in a few weeks. But even if it takes longer to get through withdrawal, it is absolutely essential to do it if you want to restore your love for your husband.
Remember the Love Bank? If you are to be in love with your husband, he must deposit enough love units into his account in your Love Bank so that it will trigger the feeling of love in you. But since you are depressed while you are getting through withdrawal, it will be almost impossible for him to deposit very many love units. If he is to deposit love units into your Love Bank, you must first get over being depressed so you can associate him with your good feelings.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2011
Posts: 357 |
Hi DBD,
I remember being in the phase you are right now. I was sad and angry and lost and quiet.
You likely won't get much response from her yet.
1. Watch a comedy with her. NO ROMANTIC COMEDIES for pete sake. Even though watching a movie doesn't count for UA time, right now laughter will help you both and relieves some tension.
2. Go on a hike with her. Don't talk about relationship stuff.
3. Smile when you can.
4. Don't highjack your dates with AO or DJs. When we would go on dates, my BH would wait until we were far enough away from the house so I couldn't jump out and walk home and then he would start the AO. Don't do that !!
5. Don't belittle the Polecat, even though he deserves it. Just don't talk about the Polecat.
6. Don't make decisions without her. Use the POJA. Help her feel like she has *some* control over her own life.
7. Don't have AO/ DJs.
8. Don't have AO/DJs.
9. Don't have AO/ DJs.
10. AOs and DJs are terrible roadblocks to recovery. It is very difficult to fall in love with someone who is angry.
Thinking of you during this difficult time,
FF
me: FWW/BW
Married 20 years, 4 kids
We made it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Listen here, I have always gone behind him and REWASHED those pans!!! I would never put a pan of his in my clean cabinets!! When he cooks, I MAKE SURE he washes his hands too!! Same here! Bless his heart, my husband was chief cook and bottle washer while I was laid up with my shoulder surgery. Do you think that stopped me from rewashing where necessary?? Ummm, NO! Not in MY cabinets!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704 |
Wait! No. You need to do the barbeque in OKC!
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
"I hate that I hurt H, I miss OM, and sometimes I just hate my life- probably depression"
Def WD right? Not sure about what to do when she is so sad--heck I'm not sure if she is sad for us or OM most of the time. Yes, this is typical of withdrawal. And I'm sure she IS depressed - infidelity is a very depressing place to be.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Wait! No. You need to do the barbeque in OKC! nooooooooooooo, wrong side of da state!!!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Listen here, I have always gone behind him and REWASHED those pans!!! I would never put a pan of his in my clean cabinets!! When he cooks, I MAKE SURE he washes his hands too!! Same here! Bless his heart, my husband was chief cook and bottle washer while I was laid up with my shoulder surgery. Do you think that stopped me from rewashing where necessary?? Ummm, NO! Not in MY cabinets! Does he use SOAP??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,469 Likes: 4
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,469 Likes: 4 |
Intercepted this text to a friend this am RE WW crying last night:
"I hate that I hurt H, I miss OM, and sometimes I just hate my life- probably depression"
Def WD right? Not sure about what to do when she is so sad--heck I'm not sure if she is sad for us or OM most of the time.
RE POJA, she started talking about wanting input on any "new crap" I might try and buy her. Like a cruise, new kitchen table, etc.
Thanks for the encouragement. Also has she been to her doctor for ADs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
237
guests, and
76
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,616
Posts2,323,460
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
