Brenda!

Start planning SF as part of your dates.

The only concern I have about you having UA at home is whether or not you are going to put the effort into it that it needs.

Dr. Harley allows for it IF (BIG IF) you put the effort into it to make it the highlight of your week. The temptation is to get lazy, wear sloppy clothes, sit on separate couches and watch TV. Or to get distracted by household responsibilities.

You will need to be at your best -- dress up for each other and focus on each other completely, being affectionate, engaging in intimate conversation, and doing something recreationally you both enjoy. AND END THE EVENING WITH SEX.

Since you didn't end the last date at home with sex, I wonder if you are going to be able to put the effort into dates at home.

The reason that dates OUT are typically so much more effective it is too easy to get distracted by the TV, phone, undone chores at home. It is so easy to get pulled away. We do a good job cooking dinner together and visiting in the kitchen, but that is about 2 hours total. And I would not consider that quality time. We don't dress up for it either.

On the other hand, when we go out on a "HOT DATE", we dress up a little and are out of the environment where do chores and get phone calls. We are FORCED to focus on each other, which is very intimate. Keep in mind that most dating couples don't fall in love sitting on the couch at home. They go out! It is much more exciting and intimate for us. We flirt in the car on the ride over and flirt in the restaurant over dinner. Sometimes we even sit next to each other in the booth! That is VERY intimate.

Another thing we do that really is intimate but doesn't sound like it, is going shopping together! Even though people are around, all of our attention is on each other and we talk and flirt.

Then when we get home from our HOT DATE................

The latter events deposit massive lovebank units, whereas staying home just doesn't do it for us. When are out together, we have no choice but to be together, but when we are at home, we find we are so easily distracted.

I would avoid the temptation of pencil whipping this exercise because unless you change your habits, you are wasting your time. And most couples absolutely REFUSE to follow the POUA because they do not want to change their bad habits. As a result, they never fall in love and then wonder why it doesn't work!

This is not a problem. We run into people too. We wave HI and get back to our conversation! You are guaranteed time alone when you go out.

SERIOUSLY.


We ain't rich, so we tour our local thrift shops, talk, dig... and try stuff on.

We dress each other.

If we decide to buy... we spend like 20 bucks.


That's a cheap date.

Didn't you read about our fist fight in Kroger over $2.99 lettuce?? Brother, you don't know cheap until you have met my husband! We like to go to Wal-Mart or Sam's and browse the aisles. Did I mention my DH is so tight he squeaks when he walks??? We can spend the evening looking for STD oil whatever and then wandering over to the electronics aisle. Then we go to the pop aisle and he gets 2 - 2 liters of Orange Crush.

We go on dates to WAL-MART! Meow!!

Brenda,

Whatever activity you choose, it should be enjoyable to BOTH of you. Dr. Harley frequently jokes about how much his wife Joyce likes shopping and how much he hates shopping. Neither my H nor I enjoy shopping, so that would not be a good example for UA for my H and me. For us, sitting on the patio in front of a fire and watching the stars come out would be much better.

I do agree with the other comments about UA time at home potentially not being "special" enough. It could be easy to slip into doing the "have to's".

Have you and your H completed the recreational compationshop inventory? What are the things you like to do together? What did you do on dates before you were married?

AM

Just want to point out that Brenda and her hubby have been doing "UA TIME" at home and work for 10 years now. She has been a board member here for TEN YEARS. And she told me earlier they spend 100+ hours together every week. So she has not effectively made UA time work at home in the past and I am not seeing how she can do that in the future.

My suggestion would be to GET IN THE HABIT of having UA time every week, which means going out and getting QUALITY UA time via 4 - 4 hour dates. Go out on DATES, rather than sitting around at home. Do this right and when they fall in love again, they can try UA time at home.

I think a couple who is already in love can get away with this. But Brenda and her husband have been pencil whipping this exercise for years and are not in the habit of meeting each others needs.

ALL they did at home was turn off the TV. That was the only change and I don't consider that UA time.

See, she thinks she has been spending UA time with him all along. She told me this in her initial post. So the only thing that has changed is they turned off the TV.

Hopefully, they also eliminated the lovebusters. They have had a plethora of independent behavior, disrespectful judgements and angry outbursts.

There seems to be several things that effect the quality of UA time. Any time together that is full of arguments and disrespect is not going to be pleasant and won't make love bank deposits. Likewise, distractions (divided attention?) won't contribute love bank deposits.

I agree that leaving the house is a good thing. A different location, a different activity, if enjoyable to BOTH spouses most likely makes the most love bank deposits. For H and me, there is no way that going to Wal Mart or trying on clothes in a thrift store would be a fun date and add to our love banks. That's the utility of the recreational companionship inventory. I haven't seen where Brenda and her H have identified fun things they like to do as a couple. Perhaps, I missed it.


Another reason to leave the house is that most people behave better in public. Seeing someone fight over lettuce in a grocery store is a rarity. Actually, I don't think I have ever seen it. Some probably fight in the car. But, I would guess that most people fight at home, out of sight of the public. So, going out where there is less chance of an argument is a good thing.

I think one of the biggest romance killers is the TV. Most people flip it on and zone out in front of it for hours and hours each week. What a waste of time that could be really spent together. I have never understood people who have TVs all over their house, in the kitchen, in the bedroom. H and I have never had a TV in the bedroom. I can't imagine cuddling while the news is on, some comedian is babbling or worse still some police show is on. So, leaving the TV off or throwing it out the second story window would be a good thing if replaced by mutually enjoyable activities.

AM

Whatever!

And I agree about the shopping thing. That would never work for others. And it doesn't work for us unless it is certain stores. No malls for my husband!

My own understanding of Dr H is that UA time should be as much like a date as possible. I don't think that spending a night at home is at all like a date - an event to dress up for and look forward to - no matter how lovely the home is.

Of course, what counts as a date (outside the home) will be different for different couples, but I think Dr Harley has always stressed that it should feel like a date - not like a nice night in.

AGree. There is a completely different "feel" to UA time spent out on a HOT DATE than their is by staying home. I do think some ppl can make that work, but most CAN'T. This couple has not been able to make that work. All they did was turn off the TV and call it good.

The only time that staying at home feels like a date is when it involves a French Maid's outfit and some whipped cream. Apart from that, it's just staying in.

Can I forward that message to the Mrs? Or would that be a form of a selfish demand?

This wouldn't work for H and me. His hairy legs are unattractive in the French Maid outfit.

Sharon,

Do you and your husband exercise? Dr. Harley recommends that couples exercise together. Exercise releases all those feel good endorphins and promotes an association of good feelings about your exercise partner.

OK, it wasn't HOT Date night, I can see that. We did eliminate LB's, AO's and DJ's. It was sweet and nice. The music made it romantic. It was difficult to make it last for four hours. SF would have helped that part.

We were not distracted by chores, but we did find ourselves with an awkward 'what do we do now' feeling. We certainly did not dress up for it.

We do spend all RC time together, so it is difficult to see how to ramp it up to Hot Date Night.

We've got a 12 hour road-trip planned for this weekend (6 hours driving roundtrip, some hiking, SF, lots of conversation). Going to one of our favorite places. That will include the top EN's.

Last night we exercised (he tried one of mine), we read, he read HN/HN, we talked, had a nice dinner at home. We've limited TV time permanently. That was just out of control and cause a lot of resentment for me.

Tonight is social obligation night, but we're going to make it nice and fun. Looking forward to weekend trip!

The goal is not just turning off the TV and eliminating lb's, the goal is to create a romantic environment, a HOT DATE.


WHAT do you mean by RC time? What EXACTLY do you do and with whom?

It has not helped your marriage so you are doing something wrong. Just hanging out in the same room is not UA time.

I couldn't agree more with this.