You guys are awesome. Thanks for the support, as always.

Tomorrow it will be 1 week since I moved into the old house. I changed the locks to the new house on Friday, so it will be 3 days since I changed the locks. I have this text ready to send her - I apologize, I can't remember who gave me the foundation for this text, I would have to look back in the thread. I have modified it a bit. I was thinking about sending it to her tomorrow, in hopes that her anger has died down enough for it to at least plant a seed.

So, three questions for you guys:

1. Should I wait longer to send it?
2. Should this text be modified in any way?
3. Do you guys think this text is even still a good idea?b

"I know you are very upset with me and don't see the possibility that we can have a happy future together. However, I have come to realize many things that I did which caused you to lose your love for me, and I understand how this could have happened.

Looking back, I see many things that if given another opportunity, I would do much differently. After much soul searching and reflection, these things are clear. I still love you very much and I am fighting for you, and I am fighting to save our marriage. That is why I have been doing all the things I have been doing recently. I know we can have an amazing marriage together if you at some point decide to give us another chance where we can create a marriage in which we are both happy.

My commitment to you, WS, is to stop doing the things which caused you to fall out of love with me. I�ve learned that in marriages, falling out of love happens quite often, but that there are many ways to fall back in love all over again, and to maintain that love. Marriages that recover from situations like ours end up being stronger than ever. I know if we give our marriage another try, we can make it work. This is my olive branch to you. If you are willing to consider another try, I will do my absolute best to be the husband, and best friend you want and deserve."

Don't send it.

Instead, relax. I know it is tough. I know you are obsessed with fixing things and anxious beyond belief. I know you want this over with as soon as possible.

She will not receive the text as you hope she will.

Any texts to her right now should be responses to ones she sends you and responded to with kindness and not groveling/education or talk about divorce.

Meanwhile, you may want to talk to your physician about how your marriage is in crisis and ask about medication to help you ride the emotional rollercoaster.

Okay, sounds good. Thanks!

Agree, don't send that. You are trying to reason with a falling down drunk. Instead, send her something like this:

"Happy Mothers Day, all my love, Oddjob"

My Dad showed me this section of the Book Of Mormon. Pretty inspiring right now, even though I am not very religious.

Alma Chapter 32, verses 41-43

41 But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life.

42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

43 Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.

Just called my MIL for to wish her a happy Mother's day and have a little chat. When she asked me what I was up to, I told her I was BUSY BUSY BUSY, out of the house constantly, meeting with new people, working on my career, and finally - trying to save my marriage. Didn't talk about WS at all directly.

I am a complete rationalist, but that doesn't mean that spiritual texts are without light or wisdom. It doesn't mean that the thoughts within them won't bring comfort in times of need.

Think about that, and then read this passage again - no matter what you believe, it still seems wise, thoughtful, and comforting.


Then, let it comfort you!

MB terms;



Men typically approach things this way; we want to fix the problem.

I like Marg Gungor's take on it; "If you try to fix her, she's going to KILL you!"

You want to use this time to train yourself to stop trying to fix her.

WS did *not* come by the house to try and drop off the dog before work this morning. Success.

OMG... I thought my wife transferred her car payment to her bank account. She *didn't*. I cannot afford this. Especially now that I am paying both mortgages. Should I call and demand she transfer it? What should I do??

Should I send her a text saying" "WS, your car payment got pulled from my account again. I assume your school loan hasn't been transferred to your account yet either. I gave you $4,000 when you left, and I cannot afford to pay for your things, especially now that I am paying for both mortgages. I need you to pay me for your car and your school for this month, and I need to you to transfer to auto-pay over to your account ASAP."

??

I just called our loan company to see who's names were on the title for the car, and I guess both our names are... So I probably have no legal grounds to take the car away?

I would just write down all the bills, split things up how you want them to look and then just say...Hey, here is what I came up with in terms of splitting up the bills. Be very fair and at the same time very matter of fact. No need to ask for her input..just make it happen.

You don't have to explain every detail.

In my situation, I didn't care that I made more money one bit. She put us in this situation and half is half in terms of splitting monthly expenses. Our children made it a little more challenging but I was the one that dictated bill sharing. I was firm about my position and didn�t allow it to be up for discussion. I wasn�t going to carry her financially after what she did. Zero chance of that happening.

Let her feel the weight of the entire situation, including the bills. Don�t shelter her from the consequences. Let them fall squarely on her shoulders. She made her decisions as a big girl so let her follow through.


edit; at the same time try to take all the emotion out of your discussions and make it very business like...don't give her any ammo to use against you.

I would just say something like "Your car payment got taken out of my account by accident. Can you please get the money to me to repay it as soon as you can. ...."

Not sure how this goes with MB, but you can dispute it as fraud since you were told it's no longer coming out of your account.

Believe it or not, this is actually a good time for you to gain some respect back from her. Showing some backbone will do this.


Rolling over about the finances = her losing more respect for you

If she gives me S*** about finances, should I tell her I have a lawyer, and I will sue for spousal support if she does not comply?

Edit: I am taking off the auto-pay for her car right now so this doesn't happen again.

Why worry about something until you have something to worry about? Cross that bridge when you come to it.

If she responds unfavorably...just walk away, think about it..then go back to her once you have digested it.

This is exactly how you can work yourself up over things unnecessarily. One step at a time....

Excellent!

Okay, so I am thinking about sending her this text:

"WS, I am cancelling the auto-payment for your car. It was taken out of my account again. I thought you had transferred it to yours already. You need to go to the creditor and set up auto-pay for your account. I need you to pay me for your car payment this month. I also need you to change the auto-payment for your school loan over to your account. I also need you to pay me $300/month to help with the mortgages that you signed up for. You can put the check(s) in our draper home mail box."

Good?