Checking in.

Monitoring comms. and still no sign of connection with OM--longest period of abstinence so far.

I have suggested seeing a Dr, but WW does not want to go.

Brain--I have read the info you posted...kind of hoping 30 days is the worst of it.

FF--thanks for the encouragement. Doing ok with AO and DJs, but I do call the OM some degrading names from time to time--only when she brings up how wonderful he is/was.

We are watching movies and going on walks as suggested, but it is weird and I am trying to allow some space but still show some love.

Got a formal offer on a new job today and start next Monday--she seems excited about this.

She is starting to initiate snuggling a little on the couch and is saying I love you more from time to time. Herb--trying not to hang on every word and action, but ...I am.

She went to church one Sunday with my daughter out of the blue--the sermon was on adultery--straight up on adultery, I saw the lesson notes--daughter said she cried the whole service--that has to be God at work on things too.

WW continues to communicate fears that I will have an affair now or turn real mean once things settle out with her. She actually acts real concerned about who I am texting and emailing etc. I have a lot of that stuff password protected because of my snoop tools. Not sure how to handle this?

I have a 5 part action plan ready to roll at the 1st sign of new comms with the OM. No real EPs are in place on her end to prevent it.

Later all, thanks for your input and care.

Did you ever get into your doctor for ADs?

Do not give up your snoop tools yet. You need to keep an eye on her until you know there's been NC. Some posters do it for a year past recovery and some more than that.

No Dr--self treating with Coors light. 4 works great.

Intent to keep snoop tools running--it is tricky though.

That's not a healthy way to deal with it.

Can you get into your doctor? Will you get into your doctor?


What are Plan A and Plan B

Please do not let anyone pressure you to take antidepressants.

But you really need to stop self medicating with beer. It's not healthy. It can end up causing a more long term issue even after you and your wife work things out. you don't want this.

There are a lot of natural things you can take to help alleviate some anxiety.

DBD you gave me some good words on my forum let me share some with you. Alcohol is a depressant and will make your depressed and fat. Goes without saying, its not attractive. Quit the alcohol and hit the gym or run you will notice a HUGE difference in the first two weeks. I do not know what your comfort zone is but try to run 3 times a week about 2 miles. It will increase your testosterone and your physical attractivness as well as your self esteem. Huge burst in energy as well. I started like that 4 months ago and dropped 52 lbs. I'm running in mini marathons now! If I can I know your can.

edit: I do not believe in ADs Dr. Harley says they help. Because of my beliefs I was encouraged by some posters here to run. I do not take mind altering substances including alcohol. Exercise may or might not work for you but what better way to show your WW that you changed? Physical appearance will speak for itself.

I don't think the Coors is for depression, My impression is that it is for anxiety.
Am I correct or am I incorrect?

Edit to add:
I also suspect the Coors is his TAKER's decision.

He may be self medicating for anxiety, but alcohol can stimulate the nervous system and act as a depressant. It's ultimately self defeating.

I'm married to a man with 17.5 years AA sobriety. I am an RNP. Yes, I understand how alcohol effects the nervous system, as well as other systems.

Alcohol is a nervous system depressant, not a stimulant. I know that's what you meant to write.

Exactly what Pep says.
What a better time to get into your doctor DBD?

Pardon, yes thank you.

Plan A with your WW still living in the home includes POJA non adultery decisions with your wife.
This includes the Coors-solution.

Edit to add:

ASK your WW how she feels about 4 Coors/night. Ask about 3/night.
Ask about 2/night.

You may get laid if you show this much care for her feelings.

Sex vs Coors as anxiety relief?
Sex wins.

Sex vs Coors as anxiety relief?
Sex wins.

Yeah, but at some age, it becomes obvious that, with beers, one can still have TWO per NIGHT!

Shaddup NG.

Only if you're doing it wrong.

KR, you can't handle two beers?

instead of bad mouthing POSUM,when she starts talking about him respectfully ask her not to mention him in front of you. Or let her come to conclusions about him. Ie, "I know you love him, but how should the kids and I feel about him?" This accomplish several things
1. Show her you are calm while talking about him
2. Get her to think of your feelings (maybe)
3. Get her to look at the way POSOM is viewed by the rest of the family
4. Put a real downer on her feelings without you doing it. Her thoughts do.

Also when she mentions you having an affair again reiterate that you want a marriage where you both flourish. You could also say something like "I am taking EP to protect myself from an affair. I don't want to put you and the family through that much pain"

Lastly, lay off the beer. You are giving her ammunition "He is drinking every night". After D day for me I refused to touch Alcohol for some time. Satan is seeing his plans to ruin your family stall. He could very easily start whispering love for coors in your ear for his plan B.

To quote the late Whitney Houston; Hell-to-the-naw:



This is terrible advice.


1) Why, for the love of Pete, would any BS want to talk about their spouse's affair partner? To make them hurt, sad, angry? Talking about the affair partner, other than they need to GTFA is an exercise in self-mutilation.

2) Here is the fact, plain and simple; a WS may quite simply never see their affair partner as bad. Especially a WW. Despite how horrible adultery is, it occurs because; a person with poor boundaries allows someone of the opposite sex to meet their emotional needs to a point that it triggers Romantic Love. It's that black-and-white.

That is why this program requires No Contact for life with the affair partner, and extra-ordinary precautions to prevent reignition of the affair, or the beginning of any further affairs (and why extraordinary precautions are adopted by both spouses).

Furthermore, attempting to "straighten out" a wayward's thinking about their affair partner, while it would seem justified, is a disrespectful judgment... a love buster... and Love Busters are to be avoided in Plan A.

precisely