no more drinking.

And the answer (second time I'm posting this) is: quit drinking, and having angry outbursts.

Can you do this? Will you do this? Or should we not waste any time with you? I don't want to spend 20 pages debating with you while you finally come around to the idea that it isn't going to work unless you give these two things up.

You can get anger management therapy to learn how to stop angry outbursts, if you do not know how but are really serious about doing it. What we need to know is, are you serious about saving your marriage, or not? If so, are you serious enough to get rid of the alcohol and the angry outbursts?

What this question tells me is that you want the quick fix words to make this go away.

I doubt there are any such words, and I would not bother.

Instead, ditch the alcohol and the angry outbursts. Long term, this is the only thing that can give you the ability to turn this around. Her short term reactions don't matter, and you shouldn't waste any energy on trying to find the magic words to manage those reactions.

By the way, this isn't a rhetorical question above. Do you have a plan?

That is exactly what Dr. Harley would advise her to do.

Oh DBD. Oh.

It is nearly impossible to fall in love with an angry man.

I would TELL his wife to do that today!

Don't take the guns out of the house. Sell them, period. I hate to say it but you demonstrated that your not in control enough to have firearms with your AO display. Find a new hobby one that doens't pertain to firearms because you probably traumatized her for life.

Hmmm. Glad I cam here today. I was feeling like it was all her fault until getting smacked around here.

FF--I understand. I was mostly not angry for the 1st 9 weeks. It was an outburst, not a daily deal.

Anger plan that worked pretty good for the 1st 3 months was:
1--run in the am
2--read and pray and get my head on straight in the am
3--carry little vs, cards in my pocket and read them when I started to get flustered
4--forgive everyone out loud right away--just like I have been forgiven
5--walk away when hurtful words started to enter my mind

I will ditch the beer and improve the plan. I am serious about fighting for my marriage. I am willing to follow good advice, but I am very scared of the pshyc meds--rather not get on those--saw what it did to my brother.

It just so happens that Dr. Harley has a lot of great information to help you with overcoming angry outbursts. I would start taking advantage of that information and use his methods as the base of your plan. You are going to need to learn to proactively relax, to calm down in the face of frustration.

There is an "anger management 101" thread around here with a few dozen links to excellent Marriage Builders radio broadcasts about anger management. Listen through those a few times.

Do you have the most recent edition of Dr. Harley's book, Love Busters? His plan to overcome angry outbursts is in there, and it is really fleshed out in detail compared to earlier editions.

ADs are a personal opinion and very debatable I think. Dr. Harley recommends them but like yourself I abhor them and replaced that with exercise and I am doing well. Your plan is passable at best. Do some homework and find an anger managment class. If you go to divorce this CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU! You need some documented proof like a certificate or something from a reputable source saying your completed anger management before it is court ordered. The best way is to call your county courthouse or go there and ask them what counseling center they use for anger management and set it up yourself.

You once said you don't drink and you didn't have a plan to quit and low and behold here you are with beer AGAIN! I hate to sound pompous but you need a better plan than I am not drinking again. Maybe AA or something. Remember going to AA doesn't mean you admit to being an alcoholic so don't look at it as such. YOU NEED ACTIONS not some forum posting saying what your going to do. You have issues with following through with plans so get in a program and get it done! What's more important your WW feelings of fear that you added validity to with your AO or your gun collection and beer?

Trust me sir its not easy, I was a gamer so was my wife. She claimed I cared more about the video game than her. So I sold it and used the money on a gym membership. Now don't get me wrong I do still play but not like I used to and use it more for a winter time activity with my DS. Show her your changes but don't shout and jump and down and say look at me!

In time she will see your changes and doesn't need your help pointing them out, she is an adult. You can do it passive like, for instance where you kept all your guns put a gym there or a quote that motivates you to change. I was told one and it goes like this "I can only control me, myself and I. I cannot control other people. I CAN control how I react to other peoples f***ked up behavior towards me." Takes time as I am sure your natural reaction is to AO as was mine. 1 AO can erase a lot of love bank deposits let the POSOM AO not you, you cannot afford it.

For you appalled and offended gals out there, what do I do or say that shows genuine repentance beyond removal of the weapons???

1 - First, wipe that glib smirk off your face, punk!

2 - Relinquish control over your guns.
3 - Swear of liquor.
4 - Move out of your house. (YES! YOU'RE GODDAM RIGHT, you heard me correctly!)
5 - Grow the [censored] up!
6 - Move back home when you've taken care of number 5!

you definitely need actions. don't just decide in your own head that you're going to change. take an anger management class to show everyone else you're serious. commit to changing and make yourself accountable to others.

NO MORE DRINKING.

get rid of the guns. i think you're unwilling to do this just in case you end up divorced. you want to keep them if you think you can but you've proven more than once that you're willing to encourage people to see these guns as a real threat.

you're holding on the the guns when its clear from a lot of discussion here that they have been and continue to be a problem.

you need to be taking BOLD action right now.

+1

I like your style NG. I wasn't going to be so brash but hey..I agree 100%

I would normally add to this, but your AO and following action was a huge trigger for me. I will agree with NG's "mellow" post because my would surely be , well lets just say harsher.

I like your style NG.

The glory of being NG is that I have no "style".

DBD, I hope you understand the enormity of your transgressions against good sense and adult behavior. You need help, and I cut you no slack for your marital stresses. On d-night, I had the good sense to remove myself from the proximity of my lawful firearms as the Nazis arrived. They were for me, and should have been for you, tools for specific purposes, not some faux-phallic totems to be displayed to awe and frighten the innocents.

Holy crap, man! You are headed towards a very bad place and need to separate before you go insane and/or kill someone. Get the guns locked up, throw the booze down the drain and ask your wife to move out. She is going to drive you crazy and in your case, IT IS A SHORT DRIVE!! Have her get out and go into Plan B until her affair is over and she is ready to commit to this program. You are not going to be able to endure more contact. You just don't have it in you to do Plan A.

I am another one who does not have the mental makeup to do Plan A. Some of us are just not equipped. You should accept that you are not equipped for this and get yourself away from her before you completely destroy your life. Satan is winning today! Snatch that defeat from his jaws and remove yourself from the dark association of your wife.

Some people just cannot do Plan A. There is no shame in that.