Plan B is not designed to win a spouse back. It doesn't do that.

Agent, I would expose to the workplace. And I would move in FIRST and then expose the affair.

I don't think you should repeat the tall tales your wife told others because it will make you look defensive.

One thing you can do is upload all your evidence, pictures, emails, etc, to a webpage and send out that link when you expose.

I wouldn't bring this up. Considering it is very different from doing it.

You aren't challenging her to a debate, so don't worry about "rebuttal." There's no debate to win with her, here. She can say whatever she wants to say. She will go ape and say all kinds of nasty things. Some people will rise to support you, and some people will prove themselves unworthy of your future friendship.

Get ready for a nasty, wild ride.

Oh, and, btw, people shouldn't date when they are married. But we can talk about that later if needed when you aren't in crisis mode and we have time to bring up hypotheticals.

Welcome again to Marriage Builders.

Welcome to MB.

When can you move back in?

Men Do Not Leave Your Home

I'm not sure how strong my hard evidence is. I have a few flirty messages from her to him. She says she will miss him, tells him he's cute, asks him about the number of women he's been with, and refers to intense emails at 4AM. But I don't have that 4AM email (and then asking if that was a 1 time thing, or if that'll continue). All appropriate talk with a coworker, right? Lol. I also have the email from the person I found out from (the GF of the OM), explaining to me that they have an "inappropriate relationship" at work. Then, in my WW's letter to me saying she doesn't want to try, she says something like "I'm sorry I was open to getting to know somebody else. I will forever regret the way you found out." But primarily, their relationship has been discussed verbally when she admitted to kissing him. I also learned about them sleeping together from the GF (via phone call again). OM has a big mouth and admits a lot, although WW has since yelled at OM and he's now shut his mouth. I have a few more things, but that's the gist. Is that sufficient?

Oh, one more source of evidence. And yes, I contacted a lawyer first to see if it was legal in my state. But I have been recording a lot of conversations between me and WW. Whether phone conversations or face-to-face conversations. She has no idea of any of these recordings, so I feel that using them against her will do more long term damage. But those are where I confront her and she admits to kissing him and tells me she's confused and misses me, the girls, and him.

There are no court orders or anything stopping me from moving back in. Just my previous hesitation about being able to pay the bills on my own. But ML has clarified that for me. I'm going to be away for part of this weekend, so I think when we exchange on Sunday I will tell her that I'm moving back in full time.

Another question regarding this. We have outlined a schedule of who has the girls. Am I assuming that ends when I move back in? Or does she get to still take them on "her days"? I will be contacting a lawyer tomorrow to find out the legal rights she has for taking them overnight, etc. But what is everyone's opinion here? Am I trying to keep them at the house 100% of the time and tell her she can visit if she doesn't want to move back in? She doesn't have her own place, and she stays with friends, and I'm sure OM.

I wouldn't tell her ahead of time you're moving back in. I would just move in. "Hi honey, I'm home"

Also your evidence is way strong. We've had BS with less proof than you have.

I would keep the girls at home as much as possible. This is their home and you don't want to have the children more stressed than they already are. Protect your children with a father's fierce heart. I thought you keep the girls at home and you two rotate through? So if she wants time with your DDS she can be at the home with you and the girls, fantastic Plan A opportunities. Also do WHATEVER you can to keep her from bringing OM around the girls.

Have you done a background check on OM?

I was going to tell her on Sunday, when I pick the girls up, and she usually leaves that I'm staying there full time from that day forward. You don't think I should do it that way? Are you saying I should do it on a day that she has the girls and isn't expecting me? She will obviously want to have a talk about it right then and there. If she asks me why I'm moving back in, do I say that I want to work ont he marriage? Or do I just say that I'm sick of living back and forth and I want to be with the girls full time? Sorry for so many questions, but I clearly need guidance!

I have not done a full background check, but I work in a courthouse and checked if he had any felonies, etc. Nothing besides careless driving, driving with revoke license, etc. BUT, his ex-GF told me that he was abusive (physically and emotionally) to his previous ex-wife. I also know this guy was a crack addict and is currently in recovery. Basically the complete opposite of me.

Agent, I would move back home as soon as you can. Don't forewarn her, just show up with your bags and move right into your bedroom. Tell her you are moving home because it is your home and you have no reason to move out. Explain that you made a mistake leaving your home and your children and won't do it again.

She may call the police. If the police come just explain that this is your home and you are not causing any trouble but you are not going anywhere unless it is by court order. They can't force you to leave your home.

Be SURE to carry a VAR in your pocked in case she plays the domestic violence card.

What's a VAR?

Voice Activated Recorder

My VAR is my cell, so I always have it on me.

So what should I be recording? The conversation we have when I move back in? And I would only play it for the police if she claims DV?

I've said this before, I can't begin to thank you all for your help and guidance. It means the world to me!

You've got it!!

I have another question about exposure. Does exposing reduce or ruin the chances of us having a civil or "good" relationship if we end up getting a D? My parents are divorced, and it was pretty bitter. I don't want that same thing. It's just not a fun way to live, and also not healthy for our girls.

I'm not saying I'm not going to expose. But let's be honest, I'm headed in the direction of D, and I just want to understand all the ripple effects this will have.

BTW, I'm moving back in Saturday evening. I'm going away during Saturday day, and then I'm showing up and telling here I'm there to stay. Should be interesting!

You WILL have the same thing regardless of whether you expose or not. Having an "amicable" divorce is a mythological construct that does not exist. It is about as realistic as "soul-mates." If you could be "amicable" you wouldn't be getting divorced i the first place. Divorced people are bitter because of the reasons they divorced. If you get divorced, you won't want to be "friends" with someone who lies and cheats and put you such hell.

A better plan for after divorce is "parallel parenting." That means that you never speak to her again. All communication comes through a 3rd party. THAT arrangement is much better for both parents and especially the children

Here you go. Parallel Parenting

So I just told WW an hour ago that I'm moving back in effective immediately and she is NOT HAPPY. I completely expected that. She's saying stuff like "we have discussed everything first, and now you're just surprising me with this? I thought we were going to work things out without lawyers, but I guess not. This is just going to speed up the D process".

She also attacked me personally saying stuff like "this is just your old, controlling self coming out again. I knew you didn't change."

I'm assuming (and hope) this is all normal and it will cool down?

She also said, because it was supposed to be her night with the girls, that she wants to bring them to her parents house for the night and bring them back here tomorrow. They live in another state (an hour away). I said I didn't want her to take the girls. That just made her even more pi$$ed! Am I right for saying no? Or am I just adding fuel to the fire by "being controlling"?