I'm glad for the warning because I've been thinking we should watch it. Didn't think it would be a problem, but apparently it is!

Until a BS understands that a WS' punishment is living with what they have done TO THEMSELVES is worse than anything the BS can do to them, recovery and marital happiness CANNOT happen.

I don't understand this. What does "worse than anything the BS can do to them" mean? Do WSs live in fear of what the BS can do them? What is that?

In any case, this is not what Dr Harley says about the conditions for recovery. It is not necessary for a WS to feel horror/shame/grief or anything else about "what they have done to themselves" for recovery and marital happiness to happen. There is only the need to focus on changing behaviour in the present and in the future. Demanding (even silently, in our heads, or encouraging others to look for this, here on threads in MB) that our FWSs feel punished by living with what they have done to themselves is only a way of exacting revenge for what they put us through, and staying stuck in the past until we see this demonstration of punishment.

The implication of Dr Harley's requirements for recovery is that the sentiment you have written here is actually an impediment to recovery. If a BS believes that this is necessary from the WS, that BS will not recover until this punishment is seen - which it often isn't.

1. Never said it was a Harley-ism.

2. Its a me-ism.


Totally.

It seems a shame to be posting here on Dr Harley's forum, with the benefit of his advice in all the articles, and use "me-isms", which hold recovery back, instead of Harleyisms, which recover marriages.

However, that's your choice. I just hope you don't post that kind of advice to other BSs. It is an impediment to their recovery, as you yourself recognise.

I just checked, this is my thread. My feelings. My problems which are real. I didnt solicit anyone's thoughts on it and those of us going through poorly managed recoveries may certainly understand my sentiment.

And, when I do go onto others' threads, I only offer positive, MB centric advice. I appreciate your concern on that.

Let me ask you this: should I write a bunch of lies about whats going on over here?

Id rather hear truth and real life similar to what is going on with another brother-in-misery on his thread than some flim-flam life is rosey crapola.

Until a BS understands that a WS' punishment is living with what they have done TO THEMSELVES is worse than anything the BS can do to them...

I have often voiced an opinion that the pain that a BS experiences, whatever the intensity, is always buffered by the fact that it is NOT self-inflicted.

Are you there yet, MSS?

Is that how you characterise Dr Harley's advice?

If you want dishonest feelgood malarkey then its best you avoid this thread.

My posts are best used as a warning for those looking to skirt the issues and poor mb execution.

Ng-

You know and i know that i am not there.

Sadly.

And the worst part its all on me thats preventing it.

That's rude, MSS. I read your words and quoted them back to you. Can you not discuss them without anger?

Mike, have you considered taking antidepressants?

It's not posting on the forum that will fix the problems. It's not making friends here (although this is certainly a cool bunch of friends!) It's not waiting for time to heal all wounds - they won't heal without disinfection and treatment; instead you get gangrene.

What will fix the problems is ACTIONS. Do you not know what actions to take? Or do you know and are having problems putting your emotions aside enough to take the actions?

Recovery involves doing some things we don't feel like doing. If we are so emotional that we are claiming we can't or won't do them, Dr. Harley really recommends those antidepressants. Now that I've tried them myself, I second the recommendation. They will smooth out the highs and lows so you can think logically for awhile and take action, and in the end only the action will make the difference.

How long has it been since you took your wife out on a good, long, enjoyable date?

Rude and uncalled for.

Just because it "your thread" doesn't give you the license to comment on others posters/threads and lash out when questioned.

Excuse me. I made a statement that i attributed to no one but me and i get grief. If i said that my interpretation of mb doctrine is...then id accept your comment.

And again on my thread where i choose to keep it real.

No, you made a comment that is not conducive to recovery and it was pointed out to you, which made you angry.

Your thread or not, non-MB statements that keep you from recovering need to be pointed out, however "real" they are.

Keepin it real brotha. You sometimes write the thoughts that are going on in my head. Thats kinda freaky sometimes but tells me I'm not alone.

I too struggle with poor MB application. 4 months out from D-Day and I'm still having dreams of what they did together. Some days it gets stuffed into the abyss and others it percolates on top. I'm not having AO's but I do prefer to be alone sometimes so she doesn't have to deal with my moods.

Take yesterday for instance. It was a bad stuffing day and the pain, anger and loss just boiled on the top of everything I did. WW asked me if there was a trigger that she could watch out for and avoid. I thought that was awesome but truthfully, the answer was no. The pain is always there. I've come to realize that I'm in the pit of hell because I haven't actually made the decision, or should I say committed to one, to either stay or go.

You did not attribute that comment to anybody. You posted a "requirement for recovery" here on MB, and I pointed out that it is not a requirement for recovery, for those doing Dr Harley's programme.

Yep; nothing wrong with correcting misunderstandings about Dr. Harley's program, on Dr. Harley's forum.

(Speaking of which, Dr. Harley doesn't spell "program" that way.)

I WROTE IT.

Didnt hyphen anyone.

And i know full well its not conducive to recovery. Such is a reason i write it: the irony of knowing what is wrong yet not being able to understand it.

Do you want some help recovering?


Did you read my post above?