We did have our baby girl 5 weeks ago. She is healthy and precious! We seem to be going through some of a colicky spell right now which isn't fun. It's been so challenging, and we went through a rough spot with all the visitors and zero quality time. Between my mom and my MIL, I had someone staying in my home for 1 month straight! That was way too much for me. I am an introvert who likes people(if that makes sense.) I need my space to recharge.

We are not actively engaged in MB, and I hope that changes once I can wrap my mind around juggling 4 children and wifely duties. I've also applied at my old job to bring in some part-time income since the finances have not changed.

Trying to be logical. Also, I may be having major surgery at the end of this month due to long-term health problems, so that may throw a wrench in things again.

I know eventually I will see the light of day again, and the fog of sleepless nights will lift. I hope Ship can be patient with me. Our sex life has been almost none existent since early November. We resumed SF last week, but when I have surgery we will have to wait at least 6 weeks again. Other forms of SF are not appealing to me, especially when we have no UA time.

It is a challenge for me to meet Ship's need for SF when we can't have intercourse. Sorry to be so blunt.

Just wondering when the cloud will lift. Being physically under the weather dramatically affects life. Just want to feel like myself again.

Anointed, good for you for checking in! I know your time here will be limited at best. I can imagine it'll continue to be a challenge for a while now. Hopefully Ship will come back and post too and be a real comfort to you through the medical stuff ahead. So it can be a time you look back on and remember the lovebank deposits My mom is recovering from knee replacement surgery now, and she won't forget the way my stepdad is taking care of her, everything from coordinating care to making sure she has the medications and referrals she needs. Sometimes men don't like how women remember negative times, but we remember when folks come through for us, too.

Thanks NED.

I hold dearly the memories of how Ship cared for me during pregnancy and delivery! He was so supportive. He said to me as we held our newborn daughter together, "I am so in love with you right now." <3

Then, as the weeks started to pass with very little interaction and the coming and going of visitors we drifted apart. I was soooo sad and felt all alone. He felt the same.

I just couldn't get out of the fatigue long enough to help him. I kept saying that everything was too much...that I couldn't meet his needs right now. That was not ok with him.

It was not ok with me that he didn't understand how overwhelmed I was....am. By the time I get everyone ready for the day, fed breakfast and lunch, put them down for a nap...I just want to sit.

I seriously have not personally cleaned this house (properly) in probably 8 months or more! I have had the older children do things, but it is not done to the standard I would like.

So I sit here now, having the 2 little ones in bed (well the newborn just started crying) and instead of racing around getting the house clean, I just want to sit here.

When will I ever be able to do it? Lots of people do. Why is it so hard for me? I'm just so tired.

If I can be kind to my kids, clean and cook every day, I will feel that I have accomplished something before Ship gets home.

I think I will make a conscious choice to let all that go for now.

Which is hard because DS is one of Ship's top 5 ENs. How can I balance the fatigue and chaos and still meet SF, DS, etc?

Just venting I suppose.

I am a long-time lurker but I had to jump in here. As the mother of four kids also ( youngest 1, oldest 8) I completely relate to your feelings of being overwhelmed.

You have just had a baby, contemplating surgery and applying for a job. You need a lot of care, love and support right now. You don't have a lot to give understandably. I would focus on not love busting and pick one of the top emotional needs for your husband that you are able to do. Is admiration in his top 3? Dr.Harley talks about not trying to meet a bunch of emotional needs but picking the one or two that will lead to the most love deposits. If you can't do SF right now( understandable!!) or DS ( even more understandable!!) then do what you are able to fill his love bank the most.

Also- its a myth that women can do it all!! The women I know with an awesome clean house and small children struggle with angry outbursts and patience. There is a trade-off for everything. I have struggled and cried many times over this past year wondering why I couldnt pull it together forgetting, again, that it gets so much easier after the first year.

He gently leads those that have young. Isaiah 40:11

I feel for you and pray you feel gently lead today.

Anointed, have you ever heard of Flylady.net? When I had my newborn, that site helped me in like an hour a day get everything done that needed to be done, to where you didn't notice the other unneeded stuff that will be done when it's time. Like Deborah said, you just get the top stuff done. For example, like AS (clothes, hair and face done to make you feel nice), dinner on the table, dishes done, and toys off the floor when he comes in. Or whatever makes the most LB deposits for you two. I used to set a timer to remind me that I don't have to spend all day on it, just small 15 minute routines in the morning, after lunch, before he came home, and before bed. Does something like that sound do-able?

The fatigue lift when you're consistently getting enough sleep. How long did the other kids take to sleep through the night?

Do you discuss your concerns with Ship, maybe there are some things you two can do to make the routines simpler for the time being?

Hi Mae_1,

I read your post a while ago and have thought about it often ever since. Thanks for the freedom and grace in it.

I am learning to do what is right for my body and I'm trying to be more realistic about what can be done in a day. I want to enjoy my life, not be on a never ending hamster wheel.

Hi NED,

I did check out Flylady and think I can use the program to keep me on track. I can do a little at a time each day.

As far as sleep: My 1st slept through the night at 8 weeks, my 2nd 8 MONTHS, my 3rd 4 months, and now my 4th is sleeping til 6-7am each morning. I'm glad.

Right now I'm in my 4th week of recovery from a hysterectomy. My doctor says in 2 weeks I MAY be able to resume SF. I have not met any kind of SF need for Ship since my surgery. We had SF the night before. He has mentioned that he is frustrated, but I have very little interest in meeting this need for him. He is hardly giving me any attention at all. Our UA is still non-existent.

So of course, just about everything in our relationship feels rocky at the moment. Ship has been cooking, running errands, taking care of the kids, getting up with the toddler and our newborn at night for the past 3 weeks. He is supporting me physically, but emotionally am completely abandoned.

I'm sure he feels the same way.

He has not been properly cared for emotionally for almost a year now because my pregnancy and recovery was extremely difficult. I have just been trying to survive the past year. Now that the surgery is done and hopefully my recovery is almost done, I am hoping to get back into the swing of things.

I want him to meet my needs emotionally despite the lack of his being met. I guess that is not logical.

Today he overheard me telling my toddler that she needed to learn to sleep in. lol He asked me why, and I said so we can go back to waking up at 8am like we used to. Then he said, "Or you could use that time to get stuff done while they are in bed."

I realize that I could take this as a proper complaint. But this is not a good marriage right now, so it is an irritant. There is a history to me feeling criticized about "what I did all day."

How can I look at this differently? I want him to trust that I'm a hard worker. He has said on many occasions that if it were up to him I wouldn't ever have to clean the house and I could always sleep in. But today he had a problem with it?

I guess I could just see it as a complaint. But what is he complaining about? The house isn't a mess. It could be vacuumed and dusted, but it is not messy at all. The kids are keeping up with their chores for the most part...

I've been doing so many things that I shouldn't be doing during my recovery because I feel like he won't be happy if I don't.

Sorry. I'm trying to avoid DJs. Life kinda sucks at the moment in the ENs area.

But he has had 4-5 job interviews the last couple of weeks. It would be great news if he got a promotion since I wasn't able to go back to work part time.

Hi Anointed! I've been thinking about you and am so glad you posted!I'm glad your baby is sleeping, and you are slowly recovering.




This is not an easy time for you. I pray for encouragement, strength, and love to surround you right now. Your body has been through a huge ordeal - may you be granted emotional and physical healing.

Hi Anointed, just reading your posts. I would suggest as you already know that UA time is the key here. Maybe you and Ship could find some time to sit down and schedule some UA time without the kids, probably just after they go to bed you could both unwind together for an hour or two. And maybe have a date night once a week or so????

Sounds like DS is a big EN for him. Maybe you can spare a few dollars to have a cleaning service come in this month? Also I think you both need to use PORH as you seem to be sweeping things under the rug and don't know exactly what each other is feeling. You seemed to be guessing at how he feels above.

It would probably be helpful to start using MB principles again now. I am not speaking from experience, but I am a believer in the program.

Hi Zhamila! I'm glad you are checking in. I found your new thread and I'm sorry that you are hurting. But I'm also glad that you are feeling better at the same time.

Hi BetrayedP. You are so right. We need to work the MB program since it has never been done properly so far. It is hard to do it one sided. Ship doesn't believe that 15 hrs per week is possible.

He is very upset with me because I have not given him any sexual relief for almost 5 weeks now. He wants oral sex or by hand. I'm not interested. I don't know how to MAKE myself be interested. I do want to meet his need, but I also know that we are both supposed to enthusiastically agree to it. I am not enthusiastic.

I think part of it is that I feel so abandoned. From the day of my surgery on, I have felt like a huge burden to Ship. I had my mom's help the first week, but it seemed like after that if I was feeling especially bad or needed help that Ship begrudgingly did those things. He has so much on his plate already and I realize taking on my responsibilities is a huge undertaking. But is it that bad to show affection to me and care?

We seem to feel the exact same way about each other? Is it so hard for me to meet that SF need of his? And is it so hard for him to show me care?

I guess it is.

I'm hurt that he wasn't more "gushy" about caring for me. He did all the logical things, though, so maybe that should be enough?

Whatever. I'm tired of thinking about it.

Anointed, have you read he Willingness to Desire articles lately? I think there are some simple easy things to do that would make you feel cared for, like a two hour date night, and the expectations changed to be gentle and loving to both of you, and you may both find yourself interested again. Yes you both could have done more and all that, but today's a new day, and you have a happy family with the man you love, and can get a plan in place to leave you both feeing well-loved. Best wishes with this!

Here you go. There are 8 of them.
Willingness to Desire #1

Hi y'all. We did read the articles separately. Ship didnt like them.

I of course was so excited and felt hope! I would be more enthusiastic if Ship put in that kind of effort! Then I learned that Ship didn't agree so...

I have mentioned that he is the one who would prefer SF 4-6X a week...and yet he wants me to do the initiating? Not sure how to even go there.

Things have been better the last week or so. I have really tried to make a point to voice all the things I admire about him. Nothing fake...all true. And there is so much to admire! (It's his #1 EN as well as mine.)

It seemed to perk him up.

Since I have been cleared for SF by the doctor, we have averaged 2X per week. Not enough for Ship but it's a start.

I'd like to be closer so 4-6X a week would be nice as long as it came naturally.

Everything else? We still don't even attempt 15 hrs a week. We are aware of LBs and do our best to avoid them. I'm trying to also focus on meeting his ENs.

I'm so glad to be feeling better. I started a workout program this week and am eating healthier.

Still moving forward.

Ship has mentioned that he doesn't like how the man seems to have more responsibility in Dr Harleys program. He feels Dr Harley favors women...or something like that. Of course, I would love a marriage like Dr Harley describes. But I'm not a man so...

Even though Ship disagrees with parts of the program (mainly SF I think- getting a woman on board) he has definitely stepped up and learned along with me. I'm very appreciative that Ship cares for me and our marriage. I'm not willing to gain at his expense...even regarding using MB!

I can't help it: what about the articles did Ship not like?

I noticed, too, that these articles are written for a woman with a lower drive AFTER all other things are in place: 15 hours of UA time wherein her needs are met as well as his needs, no love busters, and in general, behaviors congruent with respect and care.

Anyway, maybe he could post on his thread to let us know what his problem with it is?

Anointed, I just had a minute to re-read the first article, and what is it that is so much work? It looks simple easy and fun. Maybe we can help y'all brainstorm this stuff? I hope you have a great weekend!

Thank y'all for posting. Well, I can't speak for Ship and we really haven't had much time together lately.

He got a promotion at work that is keeping him working 9-20 hrs a day!! It is only supposed to be temporary until a project is launched but MAN!

Even so, we are doing fairly well. When we are together we are respectful, affectionate and avoid LBs.

I give out my admiration quite a bit more which I believe has helped tremendously. He, in turn, admires me and acknowledges my hard work with the kids and dealing with things while he has been absent.

I'd love to address MB with him again (not like I have in the past when it seemed like an unpleasant addition to his To Do list). I just love him and want to be with him, and I want us both to enjoy a good marriage.

No pressure. Nothing unpleasant. I just love him.

One thing that has really helped me is to go back to when we were dating (I was 16, he 17). I took out some old pictures of us together then, and the way I looked at him....WOW! I had forgotten.

So I try to keep in mind what it is I loved about him then and add it to the things I love about him now. I admire him. I'm attracted to him. I'm proud of him. He's a good provider.

And I tell him that.

Our SF is still lacking...1-2X per week, but I feel that will get better as he adjusts his schedule and we aren't both exhausted all the time.

Keep pressing on, and I'm excited at the prospect of truly using the program!

Oh, and we did play one of "those" games to get things going the other night and it helped me vocalize things that I like in the SF department.

Ship has taken it to heart, and I like how things are going.

Wonderful, thanks for the update!

Still have not addressed MB again with Ship. He started a brand new job that FINALLY makes up for the work that I was doing on a part time basis. We went almost 1.5 yrs without that part time income, and I don't know how. We are not doing great financially, but at least we are doing as well as we were when I was working. I'm very thankful!

Now, I can be at home with my 2 little ones and handle the stuff for my 2 older ones and just be wife and mom. Such a relief!

So...he finished his first week yesterday and is working on the yard today. Maybe I can bring up MB tonight when he has set aside time to relax.