But you are working very hard to not be the CAUSE of her anxiety, and you were able to have that discussion above so calmly and respectfully. It's a beautiful thing to see

Are you still thinking about writing Dr. Harley? I don't know if you know this, but he used to run mental health clinics. He usually has very good advice on things like this.

If you do write him, make sure he knows that you are not lovebusting her, are meeting her EN, and getting UA in (right?).

Thanks Prisca,

I will send that email, yes, thank you.

Yes, her and I are doing very well following the program however my W and I owe Dr. Chalmers a follow up assignment. I'll wait for the appropriate moment to ask if she'd like to complete that. Today's not a good day to do that.

Here is the show:
Oct 27, 2011 - A
Oct 27, 2011 - B
Oct 27, 2011 - C

Please let us know what he says!

I'm listening right now, and Segment B is the one that Joyce talks about her anxiety attack.
And Dr. Harley says I'm predictable :P

Here are some more good clips.

Radio Clip on Anxiety

Radio Clip on Anxiety
Segment #2
Segment #3

Sorry Brainy, most of your clips are really good, but I don't think this one applies. It is at the very end of the first part and basically her husband won't take the medication or get counseling, so he tells her to separate. On the other one for 2 and 3, a woman is getting counseling for self-esteem after having an affair. Dr. Harley doesn't think it is a good idea.. Neither of those really apply to Mr. Alias.

It is interesting to note that in the first one Dr. Harley thinks the person should get counseling for the sake of their marriage and is against it in the other example. ( I completely understand the reasoning.) Just wonder what he would say in my case.

Prisca, your clips were really interesting. So Markos is the man on the clip? I guess you eventually got better? Or does he still have to cancel his plans at the last minute. That would drive my husband completely nuts!! ( Actually,it would drive me insane as well. We are both very organized, scheduled people.) But obviously, you two are meeting each others needs... What a great example. Thanks to both of you for taking the time to help all these people.

And Mr. Alias, I think you are doing awesome. The important thing is that you are a team. It feels like from this end that she knows you care and have HER best interests at heart and care about that more than your own personal agenda. Way to go!

Thanks Prisca,

I listened to the clips. It helps me to get my mind right. To ensure that I not only give my W veto power but let her have do so at any time (i.e. this trip). At any point she wants to turn around and go home I'll be prepared to be that flexible.

Yesterday's tragedy doesn't help at all. We'll be driving down I-35 which means we will drive right past Moore, OK. Those poor, poor people.

I asked if those things make it worse and of course she said yes. Despite her hearing about it last night she wants me to book a condo today because she really wants to go. I was a little surprised seeing what she�d heard.

Being flexible is hard to do when there is money on the line. We hate to throw money away. Just to be sure I texted this morning:

Today I�m going to take some time putting together my letter to Dr. Harley but before I send it I am going to ask my W if she is OK with me asking for his input.

We are soooo busy right now. We�re running 3 different ways (3 kids).

Yes, that's me, if it's the show I'm thinking of. The basic topic was "My wife still thinks I'm demanding," and interestingly enough I have a long-running thread in Dr. Harley's private forum with almost exactly that as a title.

I was musing about this whole subject last night, and I came to this thought: one of the most important questions to consider in this situation is: "Can I have a happy and fulfilling marriage and lifestyle if my wife has lots of anxieties? If so, how?"

I believe the answer to this question is yes. As for the how, the best answer, I think, would come from Dr. Harley. But I can share my experiences; I would say Prisca does have pretty high anxieties. (In fact, I would say I do, as well.) Maybe not to the degree of MrsAlias, but definitely to a degree that it affects our life.

Up till now I think we've majored on this thread in addressing MrAlias's Giver: how to help your wife with anxiety. It's also necessary to address MrAlias's Taker: how to get from here to a situation you can be happy with. And the big realization may be that it is probably possible to live with this situation and have a happy and fulfilling marriage even if MrsAlias's anxieties never change. I've heard Dr. Harley specifically tell husbands that it is possible to have a happy and fulfilling marriage when their wife has out and out mental illness (not just anxiety, but going into things like paranoid delusions and worse). With the right adjustments (i.e., rigorous Marriage Builders principles ) it's possible to build a fulfilling lifestyle in such a situation.

Incidentally, Prisca got pretty anxious about the storms last night, particularly for our friends that we know live in that area. And I'll be headed home today in the middle of my work day to finish out the day from home because storms are predicted in our area.

I'm not sure how much destruction you'll see driving through. A lot of us are in Moore today donating our time to feed and clothe those that lost their homes. Clean up crews are going strong.

What a wonderful thing to do. My thoughts go out to all of the people of that community and their loved ones.

I�ve started my letter to Dr. Harley and part of my questioning to him is how do we find some assemblance of a happy M for both of us if she always has these anxieties. What would we do if they get as bad as they were before.

When her anxieties were at her worst it was very hard to hang in there with her. Every day it felt like a constant barrage of stress that I had to endure as well. It created anxiety for me knowing she�d be unhappy, edgy, angry. The only way out seemed to be to reduce her anxiety. In the moments I felt I helped � but then they�d be right there again the next day. I�d often think � when does this end?

Today it�s easier for me. Her anxieties aren�t as severe as before and we�re in love, moving forward. I�ll be there at her side, working with her to make the best of the situation.

Markos, I want to thank you and your wife for helping me with this. It means a lot. I want to have a great marriage and with your help I know I�m moving in the right direction.

At my last job I had to do some of this. What makes it difficult is protecting my wife while still being as honest as possible with my boss. I know my wife does not like airing her dirty laundry ... who does? What is the answer? How much do I divulge?

I have a good relationship with my current boss .. not a great one but I suspect she'd understand if I had to work from home to be with my wife.

Incidentally, MrA: with storms coming on in our area, let me give you one guess who in the markos-Prisca household is having high anxiety right now!

First off, I don't see any dirty laundry here.

That said, I tend to be pretty aggressive in protecting the privacy of the decision making in my marriage. "My wife needs me" usually suffices, so long as I'm still getting my job done.

That sounds like the perfect way to put it. I hope they'll do a whole show with you and have you on to talk to ... I'm sure I'd find it very helpful as well.


You have no idea how much what you've just said parallels our situation. It is a lot easier when the relationship difficulties are solved, and of course learning to be respectful about differences in personality is a huge part of that.

BTW, anything you can do to reduce your own anxiety will help increase your capacity to help deal with stressing problems. In my case Dr. Harley mandated anger management for my anger problems, and that gave me a lot of practice learning to stay calm and manage my own anxieties. Prisca has been remarking a lot the last several months how much I've mellowed out during the last year. From what you said earlier about how you both hate to waste money, I privately suspect there's a good chance you're pretty high anxiety yourself, although maybe not so much as your wife (and I'm just guessing here!)

Incidentally, in the last hour, we just bugged out to another location with stronger walls due to storms. I'm quite enthusiastic about that because it makes Prisca a lot happier and able to relax for the evening. (On another note, when I worked from home this afternoon so Prisca wouldn't be alone with the kids during storms, Prisca baked me cookies. )


Very, very happy to give any help we can, friend.

A bit of a conundrum this morning. My wife has been seemingly feeling better the last day or so and as such I don't want to stir the pot. I�ve been avoiding asking her feelings on asking the Harleys for some advice on our situation.

I may want to wait with any ideas until she brings up the subject. But then again that feels like ignoring the white elephant in the middle of the room.

We continue to make our plans for this trip. Last night we researched rentals trying to find places that fit within our allotted budget. She hasn�t said anything that leads me to think she wants to cancel it. I think she�s taking comfort assuming the weather situation where we�re going (South Padre) doesn�t have as many tornado/strong wind storms as we get at home or places like Oklahoma, Kansas, etc.

I would go ahead and do this. There is never a perfect time. Conflict avoidance only leads to more conflict in the future.

I think talking to her about it while she is feeling better is probably the best time to do it, actually! Don't think of it as "stirring the pot," but rather, "finding a solution together."

Be sure she knows that you can be completely anonymous when asking for advice from the Harleys. Many people use false names to protect their identities.