You don't know if you have been dishonest your entire M? {scratches head}

Until you are honest with YOURSELF how in the world do you expect your W to believe you?

I think you know exactly what you have and have not done.

I think your W is wise to not trust you right now.

I'm a random person on the internet and your insincerity is shining brightly.

I wonder if you W thinks that this is just a competition for you instead of actual, tangible changes. You my friend should not try to manipulate her into another horrible M with you.

MB is a fantastic because it teaches us how to improve ourselves. It is also a powerful tool that could be used to manipulate people back into lives without sincerity.

What makes you think you have really changed? What are you doing different today than a year ago? Just because you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar now you suddenly have reformed? Not likely.

Honesty is the most powerful tool you can wield.

And how exactly would you define 'open and honest'?

Being on this website has been great for me. It has allowed me to see my mistakes from a different point of view. It is great because it doesn't allow me to consider myself a victim of not having my needs met.

During the times when I wasn't hiding my internet life I was honest about everything. She would ask me how I was feeling and at the times I would say good. I was feeling good, time down the road I would start to venture onto the internet when I was alone. That is when I starting having the feelings, "I don't want my wife to know about this...".

I wasn't hiding anything. I was open about my feelings and what I was doing. During those times I was busy with work, family, activities and events. After looking at things I discovered when I would stay up late after my wife would go to bed I would begin to have urges to search the websites.

This is all so true, I am afraid to lose my wife and children. I feel terrible that I put my wife through this. I don't want to lie and hide anymore. That is why when my wife bought a new computer for the house I requested that only she know the password. When my wife goes to bed, I go to bed. No questions asked. I don't care if there is a game on, a movie, or television show I wanted to watch. I go to bed.

This is going on my third week of putting in EPs for myself and I really do feel great. They allow me more time to do things around the house (cleaning, home improvements, etc..)

I know three weeks isn't anything to be praised for, but I am determined to keep moving forward with my progress and changing my life forever now.

The ideas from the message board and MB have been so helpful throughout the process.

Ok...



See the contradiction?

Yes, you were hiding things. Yes, you were being dishonest the entire time.

When my FWW was in her A, I would ask her �have you had any contact with him�..sometimes she would say No..I haven�t had contact. Her logic was�well when you asked me that question and I said no it was because I wasn�t talking to him RIGHT THEN or hadn�t in the last week. When in reality they never broke contact off completely so her answer was a lie!

See the difference? Yes, you were dishonest with her the entire M.

Do you know what Lying by Omission is? I suggest you look it up.

Just because you had �moments of clarity and moments of not lying to her� does not mean that you were honest.

That is why she doesn�t trust you and shouldn�t right now.

Please read Dr Harley's writing on Radical Honesty on this website.

I totally understand now. Thank you for bringing a different point of view. I was dishonest in the marriage. Yes, there were times when I wasn't engaging in a secret online life, but being honest during those points don't count as being honest. I failed my wife in being an honest man I use to be for her.

Now with my EPs in place I feel as though I have nothing to hide. I remember being so exhausted and tired from lying and trying to keep up the lying that I just wanted to quit. But then I would think that I was too deep into the lies.

As I write this I think to myself...what was I thinking? Why did I do this to the one I love the most? I did it because I was selfish and wanted my sexual need met at all cost. And it is costing me greatly right now. My wife and family is hanging by a thread it feels like. And I feel like I am walking in a mine field to reach them.

Thank you for bringing light on this...I am greatly saddened as I recall our marriage. I put on a mask and pretended to be the honest husband. Now I want to truly be the honest husband for my wife.

I have read it, I have not brought this to my wife's attention yet. I asked my wife if she would fill out the ENs questionnaire and she did. I discovered a great deal from reading her responses. I also brought up the POJA. She was not interested in doing this as a couple. And I understand why. Why would she want to do this know when I wasn't doing it for her when I chose to hide with my lies.

The radio show got back with me and I will be on next Wednesday at 12;00 pm. I have never done anything like this(Going on a radio show). I am willing to do anything to finally kick this terrible habit and lead a better, positive lifestyle, for myself, and my family.

That EN questionnaire is your guide.
It's a good thing she was willing to fill it out.
How long ago did she do that?

How do you plan to meet her needs today?

About three weeks ago. It doesn't seem to matter. She just informed me that she knew the moment she discovered the email she was done with me. And she doesn't want to hear anything anymore about this website. I am alone, she told me she was taking "her boys" and moving. I am working so hard to meet her needs but it feels like she doesn't have it in her to love me anymore.

She is in the marital state of withdrawal.
As you work to raise the LB Balance she will enter the state of conflict.
It will be interesting to see what Harley advises you to do.
As a general rule, he supports betrayed spouses decisions to divorce after adultery.

Ok, so do I continue to work to meet her needs? I want to but I don't want her to start being annoyed by me. She has invited to go to a winery with her and some of our friends. And we are still going camping with another family next weekend. I don't know what this means. If she is done with me why would she offer to go out with me? I'm just so confused. I feel like its all a dream and I'm going to wake up to a nightmare soon.

I feel like I am getting no where with her LB. I am excited to hear Dr. Harley's advice. The radio show helps so much.

It sounds like she is bouncing between the state of withdrawal and state of conflict.
But I think she is in the state of withdrawal and just inviting you as a friend.
But she completed the EN questionnaire so
You must be meeting some of her needs.

Regarding your question you should continue to plan A.
Now if she asks you to Stop something then Stop.
If she says don't bring me flowers then don't.
Find something else to do.

But keep it simple: Make LOVE Bank deposits and avoid love Bank withdrawals.
As for your Internet nonsense I hope you have stopped that because you won't stand a chance if you do it again.
Did you remove the sources of temptation?
Did you get rid of your smartphone? It doesn't do any good to go to bed early if you have a computer in your smartphone.

On a spiritual level, are you attending church regularly?
Did you have the meeting with your pastor?

It all doesn't matter. She threatened to take the kids away from me. She tiold me she will only let me see the boys when she lets me. This is a losing battle, seems like we are heading towards divorce. I am trying to meet her needs but she won't let me. She seems like she is shutting down from me.

My temptation is gone. My EPs are in places and I am going strong. Three weeks strong and I am feeling great.

She has said she invited me out because she didn't she would have been punished for that. She said she would have been viewed as "the bad guy". I told her I never wanted her to feel that way. I want to work on the marriage and the problem. She wants separation.