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� I feel that if you are there and SD21 is there with the kids, GS2(grandson) will want to come see you and I will have to deal with her not wanting you there or having anything to do with GS2 and BM will side with her. It will cause me huge amounts of stress on me and the situation. Wow. Stress that could be relieved if he just stood up for you and the marriage. It isn't that he values her more than you ... it's that he values the grandkid(s) more than you ... because that is what he stands to lose (her taking them away cuz she's not getting her way). � I feel that I am stuck in the middle again. Yep as long as he continues to put everyone else as equal priority in his life. � I feel that I can't fix this. Only you and she can fix this. What a cop out! POJA a solution with him. Brainstorm a plan.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Actually, it IS the two of them who has to fix it. He can't FIX it.
But he can choose what he will and will no tolerate. He can't make SD21 like his wife, or vice versa.
I wouldn't dismiss his comment that he can't fix it. He can't. But he CAN determine what he will tolerate.
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Actually, it IS the two of them who has to fix it. He can't FIX it.
But he can choose what he will and will no tolerate. He can't make SD21 like his wife, or vice versa.
I wouldn't dismiss his comment that he can't fix it. He can't. But he CAN determine what he will tolerate. Good Point. It just sounded like he was burying his head in the sand. But I get what you're saying. At least there is communications about the topic with out AOs.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I would love to POJA a solution. How can anything be brainstormed around him not getting cut off from the grandkids and him standing up to his daughter? I'm lost on what step I should take next. Good point enlightened_ex! I believe it is the two of them as well. I want to go to her send-off and awards. Do you enthusiastically agree that I should go? Unfortunately, no, I don't have enthustiastic agreement. Since you are not in enthusiastic agreement I will not go. I am hurt that I will not be able to attend the send-off for ***EDIT*** with my husband.
I would like to continue to try to think of ideas for brainstorming around this issue for practice to come to a solution. How would you feel about being on a call with Steve tomorrow to help us work through tough brainstorming issues such as this? Not tomorrow as I have plans. His plans are to be with SD21. Nice eh?!?
Last edited by Toujours; 05/30/13 03:48 PM. Reason: Removing name
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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At least there is communications about the topic with out AOs. Steve continues to point this at me as a successful step. Although, when I respond telling him I do not have enthusiastic agreement with him spending time with her, it will be a test for him. I'm trying to figure out how to phrase it.
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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Are you enthusiastic about him going without you? If not, he can't go either.
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Are you enthusiastic about him going without you? If not, he can't go either. Really??? That won't work for him! Kinda funny to me though. Better for him to hear that from Steve. I have a feeling he will dismiss that rule. All I can do is do my part.
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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And your part is to tell him that you are not enthusiastic about him going alone. You can't keep him from going, but you do need to tell him.
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Here is what I said to him. 'Since you are not in enthusiastic agreement I will not go. I am hurt that I will not be able to attend the send-off for SD11 with my husband.'
Last edited by wipedout; 05/30/13 04:07 PM.
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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How I read the exchange was that you, WO, could "easily" relieve his stress and anxiety by not going or if you somehow made his daughter like you, rather than him relieving his stress by not going without your enthusiastic agreement.
I think you did well in how you told him 1) you won't do something he's not enthusiastic about and 2) that he's hurting you by going alone (that he is doing something you're not in enthusiastic agreement with). Write down your thoughts and feelings about this so you can talk with Steve about it.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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But did you tell him that you're not enthusiastic about him going alone?
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W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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WO = wipedout ... you 
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But did you tell him that you're not enthusiastic about him going alone? No, I did not. Lesson learned for the next exchange as he is there right now. Can you help me with wording about him being with his daughter tomorrow? 'I am not in enthusiastic agreement for you to attend SD11 awards and be with SD21 in the afternoon without me' ???
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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WO = wipedout ... you LOL says WO!
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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'I am not in enthusiastic agreement for you to attend SD11 awards and be with SD21 in the afternoon without me' Perfect. I would add "I am willing to negotiate." Then it's up to him whether he'll do the right thing or not.
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WO = wipedout ... you LOL says WO! Just think how confusing it would be if you'd picked a name that abbreviates to an already existing acronym around here, like BH or MB or POSOM!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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OK... need your help. He will ask my why. How should I respond?
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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Why don't you write out why here, and we'll help you from there.
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I have anger around it right now, so that is a great idea.
I am so hurt from the Independent Behavior of telling me you were spending time with SD21. I am hurt that our marriage is not a top priority. I am hurt that she is allowed to treat you and me the way she does. I am sad that I am kept away from GS2 while you continue to see them. I am hurt from the years of pushing me to be a part of her life but not standing up for me and our marriage. I am angry that you allow her to control you. I am angry that you think that this is a problem between her and I. I am angry that you have desired me to write apologies when you agree i have not done anything wrong and when she dismisses them you do not stand up for me with no tolerance.
I could go on and on.... That's a start.
I am hurt that you are not willing to practice all of the tools that MB is providing. I am hurt that I am not provided the enviornment for me to feel safe and secure. I am hurt that my feelings of hurt do not seem to matter.
Last edited by wipedout; 05/30/13 04:51 PM.
W(Me): 37
H: 50
2nd marriages for both: Wedding Date: 1/17/09
Blended family. Four children between the two of us.
W: DD13 & DD12
H: SD21 & SD11
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