My WH and I have been married for 7 years, together for 11. If you asked either of us 10 months ago if we were unhappy or would ever have an affair, the response would have been a resounding "No". After a drunken night with friends, we fooled around with one of our close couple friends. After that night we all four decided to have an open relationship (just physical) and saw no risk of emotional attachment as we'd been friends with the couple for 7 years. This was all openly discussed between the four of us that it was just an addition to our sex lives and that our marriages were our primary focus (i know in hindsight this sounds ludicrous). We probably only fooled around a handful of times in 4 months.
But in the meantime my husband and the OW decided to start training for a marathon. On Christmas Eve I found evidence of deceit on his cell phone. I discovered in the coming days that he loved her via some erased text messages. He said he would no longer talk to her, but I eventually found out they had obtained a secondary phone and had met up when he was out of town for work. When I discovered that he hadn�t ended the affair I blew up. He says they have not had contact since I discovered the phone and meet up in February. However he is very on the fence about saving our marriage and is not sure we can ever recover what we had.
He says he loves me the way he will always love me (we have two sons 5 and 3). He says I am amazing and beautiful and an awesome wife, but that he is not in love with me. He says I deserve better and that he wants to feel in love again.
He owns his own business (just started this full time this year) and has completely thrown himself into his work. We went to counseling for a while but he really hates to talk about anything and says he is a horrible husband and possibly not capable of being a good husband.
I never did full exposure. I told the OW husband. I told his step mom and dad and my parents and some of my friends.
He wrote a no contact letter in April, but it was very pushed by me and he copied verbatim what was in the Surviving an Affair book. He was very unhappy in me making him send the letter. He agreed to take a polygraph, but none was administered.
Recently he is talking about moving out since he says he is not in love with me and he struggles with his feelings for the OW.
I am so lost. I have tried being supportive for so long (6 months). I just don�t feel like I should kick him out of our home. We really get along fine and have a relatively good time when we are together. Do I just wait all this out. I am throwing my hands in the air because I feel like I am stuck with what to do.

Welcome to MB.
Do you live around these people?

Did you read this? Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

How is he still contacting her?

Let me understand correctly.

You've been in Plan A for 6 months?

Iwillbehappy,

Is this other couple next door neighbors?

You are dealing with 2 affairs, your WH and yours with the OWH/OW, how long did it take you to end this arrangement?

One view of this is that your WH just can't cope with your infidelity.

God Bless
Gamma

These are friends from college and live two hours away.

As far as I know he is not still in contact with her.

And yes, I guess I have been in Plan A for 6 months.

The arrangement ended immediately upon my discovery of their EA and secret PA.

Iwillbehappy,

One thing to remember is that one affair does not cancel another it doubles, perhaps squares the difficulty and pain. Were you the initiator of this arrangement, if so perhaps WH never forgave you.

God Bless
Gamma

No, the OW was more of the initiator. But I would say between my husband and myself i was the more willing. We discussed it a lot throughout the arrangement and he said he didn't have a problem with it. I realize that may not be the case. He has also said the affair may have happened anyway with he and her spending so much alone time together.

Thanks for your insights Gamma. I may ask him more fully about how he feels about the open arrangement we had and if that caused him to feel betrayed.

It sounds like he fell in love with his adultery partner, which is why he fell out of love with you. That is usually what happens when a couple engages in open adultery like you did. But you volunteered for this. Marriages that are so shaky to be utterly bereft of any moral standards usually don't last. Swinging is one of the most destructive things you can do to a marriage. It shows a lack of respect for the marriage.

I am so confused by your post. What would her H need t forgive her FOR? They are swingers. She swang, he swang. They condoned it.

Most people get burned by swinging because as soon as one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow. The lack of respect for marriage that is demonstrated by swinging is bound to be reflected in many other ways. It reflects a rotten core at the center of the marriage. So it is not an affair that is the problem, it is the worldview and attitude towards marriage is the problem.

I agree that we/I did not respect our marriage. I would also say however that I am a moral Christian woman. I know this was a sin that I have asked for forgiveness from my God. This was not something that I would ever do again.

I guess I don't believe I volunteered for him to deceive me. We were very open with our communication. I never once lied to him.

You volunteered your marriage for ADULTERY. Being "honest" about corrupt behavior does not make it any less corrupt. I can be "honest" about smoking cigarettes; it does not negate the danger of smoking.

ok.

If he's acting this way, they're still in contact. Guaranteed. You're going to have to step it up and expose the affair to a larger audience.

How did her husband react to news of the betrayal? Are you in contact with him? Get in touch and see if you can't figure out how these two lovebirds have stayed in touch all this time.

I have to admit that swingers irritate me to death. The reason? They are not victims, they are volunteers. They played chicken and got hit by the car. I have very little sympathy for them.

So if I understand you correctly MelodyLane, I am a sinner that cannot have my marriage saved?

My husband and I both agree our actions in those few month were horrible. This was not a lifestyle we lived for many years.

No one has been betrayed though. They are ALL cheaters who willingly cheated. What is she going to say in her exposure, " I condoned this kind of cheating but not that kind of cheating?? " if I am a family member and they exposed this me, I would laugh and hang up. She is not in any moral position to take umbrage at something she not only condoned but DID HERSELF.

Her husband was of course crushed. We were in contact for a couple weeks after discovery. Haven't talked since my second discovery in late February. At that point he was very much in denial about their further contact and asked me not to contact him again. Which I have not. He said she was acting much better toward their marriage and he "knew" they were no longer in contact.

I didn't say that. I said stop being a hypocrite.