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Not going so well. Still haven't found a job yet. Conversations with the BS haven't been great either. We had a couple incidents this week. Very little time is being spent where we can have undivided attention. She seems to still be too busy with work and the little time we have allocated keeps getting interrupted by her friends. I tried expressing my feelings about it using the language suggested to me by you guys and the books. I was told that i was trying to control her which led to me having an angry outburst and led to her having an angry outburst about it. We pulled ourselves back a bit had a POJA discussion and decided that we would only call or see each other when we feel like it.
I am not enthusiastic about that because to me it goes against Dr. H's suggestions. I know it would be hard to want to see my despicable face because of the pain but to me if we cannot even find time to talk how can we ever rebuild our marriage. But what can I do...I just have to go along because I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to control anything. All of this I let her know.
At any rate I have bigger issues to deal with like finding a job so I'm back on my feet financially and thus allow for me to meet my BS's needs and those of my children as well as myself.
At times this week I've been wondering whether I made the wrong decision to give up my job and try to reconcile my marriage...but honestly it was the only way I was going to get away from the OW.
So much more I can say.
To sum it all up though...my marriage is hanging by a thread...I keep making mistakes...and I feel like I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't.
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Not going so well. Still haven't found a job yet. Conversations with the BS haven't been great either. We had a couple incidents this week. Very little time is being spent where we can have undivided attention. She seems to still be too busy with work and the little time we have allocated keeps getting interrupted by her friends. I tried expressing my feelings about it using the language suggested to me by you guys and the books. I was told that i was trying to control her which led to me having an angry outburst and led to her having an angry outburst about it. We pulled ourselves back a bit had a POJA discussion and decided that we would only call or see each other when we feel like it.
I am not enthusiastic about that because to me it goes against Dr. H's suggestions. I know it would be hard to want to see my despicable face because of the pain but to me if we cannot even find time to talk how can we ever rebuild our marriage. But what can I do...I just have to go along because I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to control anything. All of this I let her know.
At any rate I have bigger issues to deal with like finding a job so I'm back on my feet financially and thus allow for me to meet my BS's needs and those of my children as well as myself.
At times this week I've been wondering whether I made the wrong decision to give up my job and try to reconcile my marriage...but honestly it was the only way I was going to get away from the OW.
So much more I can say.
To sum it all up though...my marriage is hanging by a thread...I keep making mistakes...and I feel like I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't. Stop the angry outbursts. If you are upset, end the conversation. Having an angry outburst is never going to do you any good. "This conversation no longer feels safe."
Last edited by HoldHerHand; 06/09/13 08:02 AM.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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To sum it all up though...my marriage is hanging by a thread...I keep making mistakes...and I feel like I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't. A great deal of what you are doing has to do with getting what "you" want. You are still doing everything to achieve "your" goal and the wreckless way you go about it just continues to deplete your wife's love bank account. I'm reminded of what Dr' Harley say's here: My overarching goal in marriage is for a husband and wife to be in love with each other. And that goal is achieved by making as many Love Bank deposits and as few withdrawals as possible. Win-win solutions to marital conflicts achieve that objective. Win-lose solutions do not.
So convincing a husband that he should always strive for win-win solutions to marital conflicts is my first and most important step in helping him learn to make his wife happy. Even when she gets her way in a win-lose solution, it's not necessarily a happy outcome for her because she knows that he wasn't happy making her happy. You can find the entire article here ----> Article
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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"because she knows that he wasn't happy making her happy."
This is one of the reasons why she says she feels manipulated and controlled.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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And trying to force your solution onto your spouse is abusive and controlling -- it leads to marital disaster. Please pay close attention to this part of the quoted article
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Joined: Apr 2013
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Paying attention. I know I'm making mistakes. My wife and I actually figured out what the issue is. The fact is that we are applying POJA incorrectly. Even though we are using it what we aren't doing ( me more than her) is discussing issues, giving ourselves time to think about it, revisiting it, giving more time if necessary then making an agreement that we are both enthusiastic about. We are making agreements but not ones we are enthusiastic about. We should neither of us agree to anything we are not rnthusiastic about. For my part it's 'fear' that if I don't agree to what is being proposed I'm going to seem selfish. For her part ...like the quote from the article you guys sited...if she knows I'm not enthusiastic then she also knows I'm not happy making her happy.
I need to make sure that Whatever I'm doing I'm happy in doing it. I need to also stop being a renter and start being a buyer.
* On another note do you guys know of CREATIVE ways for me to show affection. I have ideas but I want to get ideas from others.
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The fact is that we are applying POJA incorrectly. Even though we are using it what we aren't doing ( me more than her) is discussing issues, giving ourselves time to think about it, revisiting it, giving more time if necessary then making an agreement that we are both enthusiastic about. Your making a mistake long before all that. You're still having AOs. You CANNOT negotiate if you are having AOs. What are you doing about that?
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Joined: Jan 2010
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Not going so well. Still haven't found a job yet. Conversations with the BS haven't been great either. We had a couple incidents this week. Very little time is being spent where we can have undivided attention. She seems to still be too busy with work and the little time we have allocated keeps getting interrupted by her friends. I tried expressing my feelings about it using the language suggested to me by you guys and the books. I was told that i was trying to control her which led to me having an angry outburst and led to her having an angry outburst about it. We pulled ourselves back a bit had a POJA discussion and decided that we would only call or see each other when we feel like it.
I am not enthusiastic about that because to me it goes against Dr. H's suggestions. I know it would be hard to want to see my despicable face because of the pain but to me if we cannot even find time to talk how can we ever rebuild our marriage. But what can I do...I just have to go along because I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to control anything. All of this I let her know.
At any rate I have bigger issues to deal with like finding a job so I'm back on my feet financially and thus allow for me to meet my BS's needs and those of my children as well as myself.
At times this week I've been wondering whether I made the wrong decision to give up my job and try to reconcile my marriage...but honestly it was the only way I was going to get away from the OW.
So much more I can say.
To sum it all up though...my marriage is hanging by a thread...I keep making mistakes...and I feel like I'm damned if I do; damned if I don't. Stop the angry outbursts. If you are upset, end the conversation. Having an angry outburst is never going to do you any good. "This conversation no longer feels safe." Dr. Harley makes no bones about it: you can't make it work if you won't eliminate angry outbursts. Are you following Dr. Harley's recommendations for this? Do you have a biofeedback meter, yet?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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The fact is that we are applying POJA incorrectly. Even though we are using it what we aren't doing ( me more than her) is discussing issues, giving ourselves time to think about it, revisiting it, giving more time if necessary then making an agreement that we are both enthusiastic about. Here is Dr. Harley's instructions for how to use the POJA: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.htmlNotice that the first step requires you to eliminate demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts. If you are still having angry outbursts, you can't get to the POJA yet.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Nov 2007
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* On another note do you guys know of CREATIVE ways for me to show affection. I have ideas but I want to get ideas from others.
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 06/10/13 04:12 PM. Reason: added a link
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Have you ever written a full timeline out for your BW?
How's the job front going?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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