I'm going to disagree with those who say that UA time "must not be at home". If there's an activity you both enjoy at home where you are interacting with one another (read: probably not TV), it's UA. Here are some things we do.
* Take bike rides together.
* Go to concerts together.
* Cook together (yes, we enjoy it, yes it's at home!).
* Take walks together (usually with the dog).
* Walk our orchard together and figure out what maintenance, upkeep, new plantings, etc. are needed.
* Relax at home on the front porch with some lemonade, chatting about the day and watching the neighborhood.
* Make love (usually happens at home!)
* Surf sex toys or lingerie together on amazon.com or another site, SHARING an ipad or computer (not separate ones). Doesn't happen a lot, but once or twice a year.
* Buy a copy of one of the "grrreat" series books from Laura Corn and follow the instructions. Her "invitation" series is particularly fun and full of great ideas for UA time that typically ends with making love.
* Go shoot guns together.
* Go shopping for food together. Everybody has to do this once or twice a week; turn it into a date. I had to do a major attitude adjustment about this though; when we go shopping, SHE is shopping. I'm taking a walk with my wife that happens to be in a store, and I do none of the actual shopping except grabbing this or that.
* Go to the gym together. You're not UA all the time, but it typically still deposits plenty of love units because you're there with your partner and generating endorphins. If you have a home gym, you can use it the same way together.
* Take long drives together. Helpful to be alone, but if you stock up the kids with enough entertainment in the back seat, you have lots of great opportunities for deep conversation if you keep the radio off and focus on each other. Particularly useful when the kids are very small, that late-night drive can often put the infant to sleep...
* Going to yard sales.
* Picking up food orders from the co-op (Bountiful Baskets rocks).
* At least a once-weekly "real" date. Schedule the sitter if necessary, get out of the house for 4 hours or more. For us, it's every Saturday night. This time each week should not change come hell or high water unless you definitively reschedule it for another time that week and put in some guarantees that you won't miss.

Lots more ideas. It just takes a little creativity -- particularly with very small ones! -- to figure out how to get undivided attention time together. It becomes MUCH easier when the kids are old enough to take care of themselves...

It's Dr. Harley who strongly advises couples to have UA outside the home. Markos and I have talked with Dr. Harley at length about this. The reason is because UA at home does not make the massive lovebank deposits that UA outside the house does for most couples. There are some that it will work with, but they are the very small exception.

Markos and I happen to be part of that exception. Dr. Harley seemed intrigued that it actually works for us, because in his experience it doesn't work -- that's how rare it is.

For most couples, they will find it very difficult to fill their lovebanks over the romantic threshold.

"I'm going to disagree with those who say that UA time "must not be at home". If there's an activity you both enjoy at home where you are interacting with one another (read: probably not TV), it's UA. Here are some things we do."

We will have to disagree with you on the basis that it is usually very ineffective UA time when spent at home. It is virtually useless when a couple is not in love because there are so very many things at home that they enjoy doing so much MORE than being with their spouse.

When such a couple spends their UA time at home pretty soon they are spending no time together at all and they conclude MB does not work.

Most couples who come here attempt to pencil whip this exercise so they won't have to make any changes in their lives. They have already been spending all of their time together at home with no effect. So the goal is to get them OUT of their routines and get them out of the house.

UA time at home might work for a very FEW couples who are already in love, but even that is rare. UA time at home doesn't work for me and my H and Dr Harley has said the same about him and Joyce. It is a very bad idea, IMO, to recommend UA at home.

Meh, that's fair. UA is a very individual thing, though. I really enjoy walking the orchards and talking about our harvest with my wife, and she seems to enjoy it too. We both love sipping drinks on our front porch and talking about life. But everybody has different needs, and if you're stuck in the rut of watching TV together, you need to break that habit!

The one thing I've noticed, and I'm not sure Dr. Harley has ever addressed this, but my H and I find the idea of having 4, 4-hour dates out of the house every week utterly exhausting. We usually get at least 1-2 dates every week out of the house that last anywhere from 4-6 hours each, and even that is quite tiring. I simply can't imagine going out 4 out of every 7 nights. That only leaves 3 days when you're actually home. How does anyone make that work without getting completely burned-out on getting dressed up and planning things to do? Not to mention that I don't really know anyone who has a baby sitter available 4 times a week if there are small children still in the home.

DNM, if I had an orchard, I would love to take walks through it with my husband. A picnic in my own backyard orchard sounds like a dream date to me.

When we can't get out, we love taking long walks, cooking together, playing games, reading together, etc. Right now, we're enjoying gardening since after two years in an apartment, we finally have a fairly large patio with a garden area to garden in.

It may be the exception to find couples that can make UA time at home work, but I know a lot who do. I know I wouldn't be happy with spending all of our UA time at home. But I actually wouldn't be happy going out 4 times a week, even if we didn't have a little one still at home and baby sitting wasn't an obstacle. We didn't go out that often even when we were dating.

Do you have a feeling of romantic love towards your husband, writer? Does your husband feel romantic love towards you?

I guess my answer would depend on the definition of romantic love. I do love my husband. I enjoy the time we spend together immensely. We have a lot of fun together.

But my struggle is with feelings of intimacy, though this has little to do with UA time. It has more to do with the fact that we no longer have SF since my H has been impotent for the past 3-4 years. That is one need (and generally one most people do at home) that simply isn't being met at all. It's difficult for me to feel intimately connected to someone when there is no intimacy involved in our relationship.

As far as my H's feelings for me, I can only report what he says. He says that he does feel romantically in love with me. He also says that he feels physical desire for me. He simply isn't able to do anything about it on a physical level.

BUT, the needs that are supposed to be met during are very, very specific as you know. For that reason it is NOT highly individual. I can see some couples making UA time at home work IF they are in love and IF they don't have kids running afoot, but outside of that I am dubious. Any time that is spent watching TV or spent with kids, others is to be deducted. That is not UA time.

Writer, unless your marriage has made a dramatic change, I have never been aware of you and your H being in love since you have been here. It takes 15 hours to sustain and 2o-25 hours to CREATE romantic love. When have you ever been able to consistently achieve that? I will go read your older posts to see when this amaZng transformation took place.

"The one thing I've noticed, and I'm not sure Dr. Harley has ever addressed this, but my H and I find the idea of having 4, 4-hour dates out of the house every week utterly exhausting. We usually get at least 1-2 dates every week out of the house that last anywhere from 4-6 hours each, and even that is quite tiring. I simply can't imagine going out 4 out of every 7 nights."


I agree it might be exhausting AT FIRST, but it won't be once you exceed the romantic love threshold. Once you get there you will CRAVE that time together. The goal is to keep doing it until you love doing it. If time with your H is exhausting, I would pay close attention to the quality of the time. Are you avoiding lovebusters? Meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs? And gardening at home is good IF there is no one else around. And don't you have a 4 yr old and your mother there?

I have emailed Dr Harley about this issue because I don't think he recognizes how much people pencil whip this rule. Most people do nothing different and then wonder why their marriage sucks.

I don't find spending time with my husband exhausting. I find the physical act of having to go somewhere out of the house 4 times a week for 4 hours at a time exhausting. Dates, like vacations, are fun. But they are a lot of work too.

When my H and I go out, we got out for dinner, take long drives, hike, play billiards and do lots of other things we both enjoy. It's fun. But it's also tiring. I just can't picture doing these kinds of things 4 out of every 7 days. When we've tried, I've just been exhausted afterwards, not from being in my H's presence, but from constantly being out of the house and active and doing stuff.

We've been doing good with UA time. Much better now that my mom is here to baby sit.

We do a good job meeting all of the EN's, except for SF. I just don't know what to do about that one since my H is unable to do it.

Like I said earlier, that should change for you if you keep it up. You will find yourself looking forward to it because it will be your favorite time of the day. My DH and I lget dressed up and really look forward to our dates.

That's great!

Hey Melody,

While you are talking to Dr. Harley, I wonder if you could ask this question..what about introverts? I'm wondering if that is what writer is. For extroverts, getting dressed up and going out is fun but not so much for introverts. For my hubby, he has expended all of his social energy at work and has a difficult time trying to work up the energy to go out. He just has much more fun at home. He'll take me for a walk out on our 50 acres, we'll sit by the pond and talk and he enjoys that much more than trying to find the energy to go out.. The RC activities that he typically enjoys are hiking and camping alone not with other people around ( other than me or kids of course). He just doesn't have the energy to do that. He does take me out to eat or to a movie.. But that is something we struggle with. He feels much more comfortable at home.

Even when we dated we didn't dress up. We are jeans/short and t-shirt type people. He has to dress up for work and doesn't really like it. He wants to be comfortable.

To the OP:

My H and I really haven't had any trouble finding things to do when we go out. We look for a lot of local events and there's never a shortage of those around. Here are a few cool things we've done:

Last Saturday, we visited a local apple ranch and went to the BBQ/Hometown Jamboree they were having that evening. We had a blast eating yummy food and listening to cool folk music.

Tonight, we are going blueberry picking at a local farm and then out to dinner.

We love going to museums: art, history, science, you name it.

Many of our dates include a stop at a local bookstore. We pick out some books, read to each other, and sip some tea/coffee.

We love to hike. We usually pack a picnic lunch, hike somewhere pretty, and eat beneath the shade of the trees. This is by far my favorite date.

We often take long drives and just talk and enjoy the scenery. We try to stay off the freeways and find someplace pretty and off the beaten path. No small task in So-Cal, but we have found a lot of amazingly beautiful drives in our area.

We go grocery shopping together usually once a week. I don't like to shop, but it's actually pretty fun when you have someone to share it with.

We go walking/window shopping in local malls or outdoor shopping areas. I don't like regular malls that much, but I do like walking through shops in historical areas or areas that have an abundance of independent businesses.

Yes, I am an extreme introvert. That's why I enjoy things like hiking/picnicking, etc. so much. I really don't enjoy getting dressed up or going to places where a lot of social interaction with other people is required. We usually focus our dates on things that don't require me to interact with anyone other than my H too much. I find these most relaxing and enjoyable.

Edited to add: Honestly, if I had 50 acres of beautiful land to live on, I might never go anywhere, lol. I would be perfectly happy spending all of my time sitting by a pond, talking to my H, and enjoying nature.

Grin.. you and my hubby. He loves to see the deer, tons of birds, feed or fish for the catfish in one of our three ponds, cross the creek.. He is so incredibly happy at home and is counting down the years until he can retire and piddle around here all the time while spending the rest of the time boondocking at national parks or obscure state parks or forest service ones. We love camping. Sorry Melody, but we both hate shopping.. I just run in and buy my essential jeans and run out..

Edited to add, unless you talk about him shopping for tools or things to work on around the place or to beautify the place... then he'll shop..me, not so much.

I hate shopping too. And I can count on one hand the number of dates we've had that we couldn't wear jeans for. In fact, the last time I "dressed up" in an actual dress was for my SIL's wedding three years ago.

I would suggest the radical relocation to either the Portland, OR or Seattle-Tacoma, WA metropolitan areas - either should have some employment opps for your hubby, a lower cost of living, and LOTS of wonderful outdoor opportunities - by land or sea!

My husband is an introvert and he very much likes going out. So do most introverts...UNLESS THEY ARE NOT IN LOVE. If a person, extrovert or introvert is not in love, they will resist dates.


We are the same way. We don't put on dresses and suits, we put on nice jeans, perfume, etc and look nice for EACH OTHER. The goal is to be ATTRACTIVE to the other spouse, whatever that might entail


huh? You say he doesn't have the energy to go out and then say he enjoys going hiking and camping?? That doesn't make any sense. You HAVE TO GO OUT to go camping and hiking.