wilderness, I would take some time to read some of the other threads around here and see what people are going through, and start listening to Dr. Harley's radio show. Get some perspectives on other situations similar to your own so you can formulate your own plan.

As neak says, you will feel much better when you have a plan.

If that is what I "plan to do to her". That's rich. Like it's some horrible thing to want to talk about the abuse I've endured. Wife: "don't worry about any of the horrible things that you have done to your own husband, daughter, and family, I will protect you. Now let's go buy some unicorns, rainbows, puppy dogs, and ice cream. Yay!"

Once all the details of the affair have been talked about, and extraordinary precautions put in place to prevent another affair, continuing to talk about the past affair is abusive, plain and simple. Dr. Harley advises women to leave their husbands if they continue to do so.

You do not get the right to abuse her.

Prisca is spot on with that post. You bringing up the affair constantly serves zero purpose. Basically your being selfish in that regard. Once EPs are in place and the full truth is revealed and all questions answered bringing up the past will only benefit you and not her. Seems you might bully her using the affair as your ace card. That's emotionally abuse and she doesn't deserve it or should tolerate it.

Have you ever heard the saying that if you don't plan to succeed, you plan to fail?

Your sarcastic responses really aren't helping you.

People who have tried Dr. Harley's recovery plan have found that it works great for them. Nobody says you have to do this, but nobody says somebody has to sit around and put up with you doing otherwise, either. We would all advise a wife to separate from a husband who continues to abuse her by continually dwelling on her past mistakes.

It's an application of the golden rule: I don't like my wife dwelling on my past mistakes, either. By putting those things aside and focusing on the present and future, we have built a wonderful marriage.

If your WXW is willing to practice EP's and build a new, integrated lifestyle:

1. Talk about the A. Get it all in the open.
2. Don't bring it up again unless there is a new occurrence, such as if one of you saw OM.

If your WXW is unwilling to practice EP's and build a new, integrated lifestyle:

1. Plan A, if desired, for 3-6 months.
2. Go into Plan B and have NC until such time as scenario #1 applies.

You will notice that in both of the above options, there is no place in the lists where you blow up at WXW, get to call her a bunch of names, and lash out at her.

WHY NOT? SHE DESERVES IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Because it is WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It doesn't make you a better person, it makes you worse. It doesn't make you happier, it makes you angrier. It doesn't give you peace, it fills you with chaos. It doesn't fill you with gratitude, it leads you to lash out at anyone who might try and help you. It doesn't give you a healed life, it keeps you stuck in pain and betrayal for the rest of your life.

You were hurt. You were betrayed. That doesn't have to define you forever. It isn't who you are.

Except that right now, you're letting it.

My wife and I were married for 13 years and have two kids when she had a 6 month affair. I was in constant emotional torture for months, She repented and revealed, we reconciled, Now we don't talk about it as it is still painful for both of us. Yes it's painful for her too that she was so blind that she almost lost her family to a sleeze because he made her feel good when they talked.

Wilderness, it is simple. IF you want to reconcile, eventually remarry, and have a wonderful affair free marriage, then your wife needs to be in love with you. It would be very hard to remain in love with someone who constantly rubs your nose in your past sins. That is not to say that she does not need to be sorry for what she did.

But once she is sorry, shows you she is repentant, and you have all of the details about the affair (yes it was an affair), then move past it and live happily ever after.

The alternative is you move past it, but every time you are upset about something you bring it up to make her feel bad, she falls out of love with you and has another affair with the next bloke to talk to her without making her feel bad.

If you reconcile, and remarry you absolutely have to protect her. If you don't feel that way then you should not get back together with her since that would indicate that you do not care for her.

Also, assuming you reconcile, you both need to establish rock hard boundaries with MIL, even if it means moving away.