Welcome to MB.

Do you want to save your marriage?

Please read all the threads in here.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Your choice. Dr Harley' plan is not a cafeteria style plan.

It is all or nothing. If you want to give yourself the best possible chance to save your M, your best bet is to follow the program outlined in SAA.

Do you have any experience in saving marriages after an A?

Your choice. Dr Harley' plan is not a cafeteria style plan.

It is all or nothing. If you want to give yourself the best possible chance to save your M, your best bet is to follow the program outlined in SAA.

Do you have any experience in saving marriages after an A?

No, I don't. I was just expressing my natural instinct of trying to protect her. I guess this instinct is wrong now that so many have told me. I am going to start reading the book tonight. Fortunately, I have never experienced anything like this in the past. I am trying to be very careful not to do or say the wrong things either. I guess I am sounding pretty naive too by wanting to protect her. I've got a lot to learn!

Your giving her an opportunity to spin her infidelity on you. "He was controlling, abusive, neglectful blah, blah!" So you look like the bad guy as she replaces you with POSOM with your mutual friends and families' support. You need to expose plain and simple. Yes your family will be mad, they should your WW hurt you in the worst way possible. Once she agrees to NC and follow the program she can earn their respect back. All you are doing, sir is enabling her destructive behavior. Look at an affair as a drug addiction if your wife was a meth addict do you think you can allow her to use in your house?! Do you think you are being loving and caring by doing that? Not exposing, using your best weapon? Makes you looks meek and uncaring. For the record you don't expose just to your friends and family but to POSOM side as well. It's a double-tap, you aren't ruining her she did that herself.

Greg,

The purpose of exposure is not to punish her, or for any type of vengeance. The purpose is twofold:
1/ To help "kill" the affair, and
2/ To get you the support you AND she need going forward (empathy for you, accountability for her.)
Both these are positive steps.
Additionally, exposure to her father, and all your family, will help them understand what you are going through.

Her reputation with her father (or anyone) won't be harmed by your exposure, but rather from HER actions, otherwise known as consequences. All you are doing is telling the truth. Protecting her from the consequences (though tempting for you) is enabling.

If her father is disappointed in her, that is a consequence. She has, then, also harmed him, with her actions, not just you. However, if she works at it, shows her dad how she is working to restore your marriage, she may be able to redeem herself in her Dad's eyes, eventually.

Her willingness (along with decisive actions) to work on your marriage will go a long way in helping you overcome your pain.

This forum isn't allowed to give differing opinions.
We are only allowed to give Dr Harley's advice

Expose it shall be. Thanks for the help! By the way, what does POSOM mean? I assume the other man?

piece of [censored] male

Please gather your evidence using various spy techniques. Also read the exposure thread on the site. I'm not good with forums and not sure how to up load the hyperlink. I am sure someone will come along and help you with the process. Do you have tne POSOM name? Do a background check on him. Follow the advice on the exposure thread, I know I wish I did when I was in your shoes.

Greg,

You wrote I do not think I will tell her father what she did.

I see a couple of problems with this approach,

-her Father may have been an unaware accessory to this crime.

-you need to determine if her Father WAS AWARE or found out and did not tell you, this would be a major problem.

-her Father has to support your recovery, but cannot do so if he doesn't know.

-her Father cannot talk to your wife about these gatherings as it will be a trigger for you in the future.

-there may be a language barrier here, I suspect you do not speak Vietnamese fluently, and your Father in law may be able to monitor her Vietnamese communication for you.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,
My father in law is an American Viet Nam army veteran. He served in Nam in 1969-70 in an elite US Army infantry unit. His wife (my mother-in-law) passed away five years ago. He is a great guy and he looks forward to this reunion more than any weekend of the entire year where he sees his old buddies. After my mother-in-law passed, my wife started going to the reunions each year and they both enjoyed going. Several of the veterans bring their grown children with them to the reunion each year. It is a big deal to their families to support their fathers. One of the sons is the OM. I live on the east coast and fortunately he lives in Arizona. My father-in-law has absolutely no idea that this happened and would be shocked to know what his good friend's son and his daughter did while at the reunion. A group of the children all went out partying late on Friday night and the offense took place after they got back late that night. My father in law would be extremely disappointed in his daughter's actions. I'm not sure how he would react but he would definitely be sympathetic to me because we are pretty close and he knows I treat his daughter like a princess and he appreciates me very much.

She is very remorseful and apologizes every night. She has not contacted the OM and told me that she is not going to anymore. I can go online and check her and so far she has not.

How long will you sit on your hands before you EXPOSE to the father in law?
Your marriage needs action!
Not excuses you make for your wife

She needs to write a NO CONTACT letter to the OM.
Is he married?
His family needs exposed to.

Jedi,
She has already cut the contact. I actually sent the OM some text messages telling him several things including not to ever contact her again. She called him the day after she came out with the truth to me and told him that she was not going to be contacted him any longer. I also wrote him a no contact letter myself. Had I known then, I would have not allowed her to have called him and told him verbally. I would have had her write the letter and let me see it before mailing it. That would have been better. He is not married. I am going to call his father today.

Greg,

The great thing about MB is that words need to backed up with actions. Wayward spouses are liars anyways, so their words don't mean a thing. You can tell this man the world, but he's a guy willing to have an affair with your wife, he's probably not intimidated by your words.

"Don't contact me" ~ those are words.

What ACTIONS are being taken to ensure that? Is her father aware of this now (exposure) and can assist with ensuring no contact? Have phone numbers been changed? Have Facebook accounts be deleted and email addresses been changed?

I could tell you right now that I am the Queen of England but that doesn't make it so. Action to support words!

Writting a hand written letter signed by her is much more 'final' than an email or phone call.


Also, it can help the BS (you) feel some more closure. It did for me.

It closes the door without question. My FWW also told POSOM that she would file a restraining order if he EVER contacted her again.

Greg,

He is not married. I am going to call his father today.

Good, you need to find out who his girlfriend is then and inform her.

God Bless
Gamma

Good, you need to find out who his girlfriend is then and inform her.

I would and have thought about that but I don't think he has a serious girffriend. Plus, I am in Virgina and he is in Arizona. I am glad he is 2000 miles away, and for his sake, he is glad too.

Has she changed all contact information?

What about the next reunion weekend? She can't ever have contact again with OM. Does she think she can still go?

Why won't you expose to her father? He could be your biggest ally.

Have you contacted OM's GF yet?

Does OM have Facebook?

I am glad he is 2000 miles away, and for his sake, he is glad too.

Are you telling us if he were closer your would SMITE him, you would THRASH him, you would WRECK physical violence upon his person?

Fascinating! The logical conclusion is that you would assume the risk of being hurt yourself, would incur the criminal and civil liabilities that would flow from assault (and worse?), but the ONE THING that you are fearful of is spending $700 for an airline ticket?

CUT THE CRAP!

You are playing this to have some "miracle" repair your marriage ("Maybe some second cousin could post an anonymous note to FIL telling him of his daughter's slutty behavior!") without doing the dirty work yourself.

SORRY!

It doesn't work that way! You don't know this yet, but the experts here do - wrenching a besotted, heels-in-the-air, WW from the emotional/romantic fix she has gotten is not done neatly, and without corollary damages. YES, she'll be pissed at you for forcing the NCL on her! YES, Daddykins will want to puke when he learns of how his worthy reunion was utilized as a hook-up opportunity by the spawns that he and his buddies produced. YES, it may be that the organizers of the reunion will be informed of what goes on at their gathering ("Hey, sweetie, wanna help me clean my rifle?"). And YES, you might actually have to take serious, rigorous firm action. Sorry to break it to you, dude, but there ain't no "easy out" of the cesspool WW has dragged you into!

This is an action-biased site. If you're not here to actually take action, you are blogging the wrong readers!