Dear friends, in worries, in recovery, in love :-)

I feel that i want to share my story of struggling with infidelity of my husband. Why here, because it is probably the only place where people may understand why I let this happen to me.

We have been together for 16 years, married for 10. We have 2 daughters 7 and 2 years old. We have had a lovely life so far, not a over-the-head passionate but definitely lovely. The kind that most people around have said to be their model of an ideal couple :-( to my surprise. I was very young when we met18, hes 4 years older, we have been like youngsters becoming grown ups together thing, both raher insecure people i would say. Both also each others first serious relationship. We are both successful in carrers and financially, working hard and enjoying what we do workwise also. Our relationship has been sharing and peaceful so far, we discussed, we almost never argued strongly. Life has been very generous to us also, we have never had a real worry so far or a problem worth mentioning with that name- enough money to live and travel, perfect health of everyone, lots of support from family. Somewhere between the girls, things started to go wrong, he somehow distanced himself from me. This was more in terms of mentally- not wanting to plan future, huge focus on work, personal businesses and friends, more and more sports. At the same time lots on spending time with family, but not much wish to spend time with me. The more he distanced the more i got worried, probably clingy also. He has nowsaid himself too that he has felt something is wrong for a while but not understood what.

Shortly before christmas i found out that my husband has found, after his own words, the love of his life at work, the thing stared somewhere last summer and got serious in september. I had felt this subconsciously for a while, probably from the first moment they started working on warming this thing. He admitted this after I confronted him why he does not want to have sex with me.

We have had a sickening merry-go-around starting from that time. With him breaking up with the other woman for about 4 times. Finding ourselves in bed with much more passion than ever before. Talking a lot more and achieving stronger closeness with each other than ever before in the times between their break ups and them finding each other again. Definitely a very strong addiction with all of its parts. With absolutely unbelievable detoxication symptoms from his side the first time of their break- up - the kind of dark red suffering, crying face i have had to look at, i wish no other woman will ever need to go through that. The next three times the symptoms have been weaker every time, but being apart for them has not lasted more than 3 weeks so far. This all with me struggling with unbelievable up and down turnabouts of feelings and taking care of girls at the same time. The other woman is married and with two children also.

Thinking in terms of the emotional needs- we dont have a good start, he is crazy for sports, cycling, jogging and so on. I have not shared that much. Athough more every time during the last years so not hopeless at all from my side in Recreational companionship. I lost a unbelievable number of pounds in these worries, so now I'm in my lifes best form and looking really very good. This takes me definately closer to his need of physicl attractivenss. He has been a lot more caring about my need for helping out with kids and talks have supported my need for affection and attention. A lot was wrong before but we are both able to learn. Without his addictive relationship to another woman we would have good potential definately.

In this process i have offered him a peaceful break-up and divorce for numerous times. He has always strongly refused, saying he is not shure if he wants that and he is still drawn to me a lot and he needs time to decide. This has lasted for how long - well the bell rand for a 6th month last week. It is probably masohistic but I have discovered that I have the patience of a turtle of something. I do not want to be the one who makes a decision about our life, why do i have to take this responsibility, he needs to make a decision and let me and everyone else know about it. I know it is not good for my mental health. I wish i had a chance to use the suggestion to move to some other place too far away from the lover. Unfortunately that is not possible- we live in a very small country in europe, moving inside my country would have no effect its only 250 km from one end to another. I love my job, he loves his. We could both not do that somewhere else. The girls are too young to go to school in a foreign country. So I need to find another solution to this addiction.

I have asked him to move out, because his flowing between being affectionate and being distant was just far too excruciating to me. We are stugglingto find a good way in this mess for taking care of the kids, but he is contributing. I have said that he is allowed to meet with that other one until he gets enough. I have asked him to be brutally honest to me about his activities - at first he continued to hide, after i discovered lies he has been very honest for some time now. He is basically allowed to have two women at the same time.

But I have also asked for one evening in the week when we talk one to one to build our closeness. Othervise i have said I refuse to go on. He was not really eager to accept this but he finally did. We will have our first session :-) this wednesday.

So this was my story, with all that has happened outside of what i wrote in this letter, It is far too surreal already to the friends who support me, they say I am dis respective to myself. But they haven't read and understood the principle of addiction in infidelity, they are not the mothers of my children wanting their life not to break, they are not me finding that i am still in love.

Just wanted to share and see if there may be someone with a successful recovery with this tactics or someone just as crazy as me.

Wish you all had love in your life, hugs
Rubie

Dear Rubie,

I am sorry you are going though this, help from the many vets who have been where you are is on its way but in the mean time please read the first thread on this forum to get an understanding of Dr Harley's concepts.

The first step to recover your marriage is to bust this affair. You have zero chance of recovering until your WH cuts off all contact with the OW. He has to never see or speack to her again and quit his job if that's how they meet.


have you told the other woman's husband??

Have you exposed to affair to anyone??

Your WH is cake eating and gets to have both of you, he's not going to give this up easily, it's up to you to burst his bubble and DEMAND that he ends his Affair, he will never take this step until you demand it.

Hi Rubie,

I am sorry you are here with this struggle. There are many here who will give you good advice and support. Listen to them as they will suggest methods and tactics that have saved many, many marriages.

Have your read the infidelity links on the homepage. I would read them all, and pick up a copy of Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley.

The readers here will tell you that your first order of business is to destroy your husband's affair. Stop enabling it. This begins by exposing the affair to his family, her family, their workplace, their friends, and everyone else they know. Let them all know that you are telling them about the affair with the hope that they will support your marriage and family by encouraging and influencing him to end his affair.

Without this exposure, his affair will thrive in secrecy. You want to make this affair difficult. If you want to recover your marriage it has to be killed and he must promise no contact for life with his affair partner.

Hello, Rubie,

I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you to MB.

You will not find recovery stories here that did what you are now doing.

The path to recovery from an affair is narrow. MB offers a very specific plan.

1.) Your H must end ALL contact with the OW (other woman) for the rest of his life. He must change all his contact information. I'm sorry you say you can't move; however, that's exactly what many people have done to get themselves away from the OW. He would need to write a letter of No Contact to the OW.

2.) Your H must be completely transparent with you, holding nothing back: shared passwords, cell phones, bank account info, etc.

3.) Your H must agree to live an integrated life with you with no nights apart.

4.) Your H would need to agree to Extraordinary Precautions to avoid the conditions that led to his adultery.

5.) He would need to agree to Just Compensation. Dr. Harley does not advocate forgiveness. Instead your H would agree to a program of recovery that will make your marriage better than ever: romantic, passionate, and safe.

Does the OW's husband know his wife is committing adultery with your H?

Do your children know what is going? Can you imagine what your children are learning about right and wrong and what to expect from marriage while you allow your husband to vacillate between you and the OW?

You are right about the affair being an addiction. You have obviously made a valiant effort to be a great wife and to meet your H's needs, as evidenced by his returns to you get his fix.

But this vacillation is hurting you emotionally and will start to cause physical ailments soon, if they haven't already begun. For this reason, you need to consider going into Plan B. Plan B is a dark separation from your H where all his communications with you are through an intermediary. This will protect you from the abuse of his affair and will help keep your love for him. If he keeps this up, you will grow to hate him.

I have read basically everything on this page already a few months ago. and also a bagful of other books, that have helped me, taught me and kept me going so far,
and I even managed to get him read a few of the pages. We have discussed emotional needs and he has all the abilities to learn to fill mine. And vice versa. The only thing missing - is his commitment to do that, which is held back by the addiction.

They are working together Yes, but her contract ends some time next december. She would still stay in the same town but i believe we could cope with that.

I dont see any benefit of letting more people know.

Our close circle of friends know for i have turned for their help. My side of family knows.

The other spouse knows, he was the one who contacted me after he also found out, we talked for a few hours. I believe the spouse is being hided from that they meet again. I dont really want to be the one to tell him. I believe he has his own surveillance equipment and activities working, so he will find out soon anyway.

At work I am quite shure everyone knows anyway- come on, for me as a woman it would be enough of two looks to understand what is going on.

His mother knows we have problems, but he has probably not told her about what he has done to achive these problems. she and his older relatives may be the only ones I could reveal.

We are seeing a councellor, we both like her, but he has refused to see her together, so she is working with us separately now.

I cant move - it s not the US, my children speak the language that only 800 000 people on the earth speak. There is no work I can do abroad to support them enough. This is not an option. There must be another way.

The only thing I could do would be to move to the other end on Europe for the next 3 months until my girls school. That i could do, I have enough savings for that. It would be very hard to cope with the girls all alone there without my familys help, they can come to visit but what if i break down in between? and the girls would miss their daddy so painfully.

I am ready to let him go, why doesn' t he go. If he went I am shure their crash boom bang passion will be over soon. I think I would be ready to take him back then, if he has finally made up his mind.

I feel that I have gone through most i can ever do that is taught in this web. I need a next step to this unsolvable case.

The danger is that your H will run into her and the affair will reignite. Also, seeing her would be a trigger for you.



Everyone should know about the affair. It will put pressure on the affair. Very few people committing adultery want everyone to know because of the disapproval. Many people want to skip this step, but it's very helpful for blowing up the affair, the first in your arsenal.


Have you asked for their help in getting your H to end his affair and return to his family? That's what they should be doing.


You and the betrayed husband should be sharing information as much as possible. Why wouldn't you let him know what's going on as you find out? Wouldn't you want to know?


Your close work colleagues ought to know so they can help support you. They will hopefully empathize and assist if you get emotional or have other problems.


His parents need to know and put pressure on him. Let his mother know you need her help. You are the mother of her grandchildren, for heaven's sake! She should speak very strongly to her son about what he's doing and demand that he stop his shameful behavior.


Most marriage counseling is useless, I'm sorry to say, with an 84% of failure. Most do not understand the nature of the addiction of an affair or the fog. They do not know how to restore romantic love. Does your counselor understand these things?


If you decide to separate from your H and go into Plan B, you must stay out of contact with your H. It's not punishment; it's to protect you. I know your options aren't very good and I understand that you have these limitations; however, I want to encourage to think of everything you can do to separate. How would you support yourself? How would you arrange for visitation? Can you find yourself an intermediary who would handle all communications?

If you continue on the way you have been, you will only get more of the same crappy and disgraceful behavior from your wayward H and the affair will become ever more entrenched.


Actually, this is exactly what SHOULD happen. HE needs to be the one to leave the home. You should demand that he end his affair. If he refuses, then tell him to leave the home. Pack up his things and change the locks to the house, so he can no longer come and go as he pleases.

Does your country have arrangement for separation and child support?

We have talked to my councilor about these principles, and she supports them, her working methods are not traditional so i see that she can support us not harm us. She is a very clever woman emotionally understanding her role fast in every situation,

I will probably talk to his mother this week, although i am afraid this will be so devastating to her. I am worried about her health thats why i haven't had the gots to do that jet.

He will be furious probably when i talk to her mother.

I could manage with the Short Move Away and our councillor is probably the best intermediary. Or a close friend whom i have discussed the move also. So that is doable.

I'm financially secured, he is not going to leave us without support however this goes.

Here.
How to Plan B Correctly

Following our agreed policy of being Brutally honest- he now informes me when he goes to meet the other. I like that he informes, it is his part of work towards the future.

I have discovered that i dont really mind that he goes. I get into panic when he is distant to me after that. So that is what i told him, if i get hugged, kissed, well committed closeness when we meet then im ok with him having two women.

We just had a cuddling session, and i feel good.
I may still consider Plan B but roght now it seems that the other needs to be afraid not me.

You seem to have it all worked out to your satisfaction. You don't need our advice. Good luck!

We are obligated to let readers of your thread know that women who put up with this sort of thing for very long begin to have severe troubles. Emotional breakdowns, nervous breakdowns, immune system disorders, post traumatic stress disorder, and even suicide. This wreaks havoc on a woman's physical and emotional health.

Please, ladies, do not follow this example. Dr. Harley recommends that a woman stay in Plan A against an active affair for no longer than 3-4 weeks.

Rubie, please do not use this board to try to persuade yourself that what you are doing is a sound course of action. It is not. And other women do not need the negative example.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and I hope somebody knocks some sense into your husband.

You will not be for long. This will make so many huge withdrawals out of your love bank that eventually you will hate and despise your husband, and being in his presence will be traumatic for you.

I only hope for the sake of your children that there is some of you left when you finally get safe from this abuse.

Rubie, can you take a short trip of a couple of days away from your husband, just you and your girls? If you could get away for a week or a few days, it might help you to clear your head and to think this through.

Dr. Willard Harley is the clinical psychologist who pioneered the "emotional needs" concept, and his unwavering opinion is that you should not be "thinking in terms of emotional needs" in the face of an active affair. It is impossible to fill accounts in each other's love banks in the face of an active affair. The affair is a giant love buster, a massive love bank withdrawal. This would be like trying to fill a bucket with water when the bucket has a hole in it, while knocking seven new holes in it every day.

Rubie, you know that what you are doing is crazy, and you are telling us you know it.

Aren't you really crying out for help?


Rubie, you can't force yourself to feel love by telling yourself you feel it. Only your husband can cause you to feel love - by caring for you. And whatever little is left of the love you feel - it will soon be gone, leaving only misery and horror in its wake.

I finally got the courage to talk to his mother yesterday. She was devastated to get to know about what has happened, but also so supporting, it definately moved my heart. Its so good to feel her support. We discussed that she will meet our councellor to work our the best way she can support me in getting the family back together. After that she will talk with him.

I am doing rather ok, with ups and downs of course, but at least with somewhat a strategy to hold on to.

Having a no contact period would be hard for him. I forgot to charge my phone one day and was not accessible. He was very worried, called me uncounted number of times and everyone he thought i may be together with.

my own family totally frieked out about the idea of moving. My father expressed that he thinks it is not safe at all for me to go to a foreign country with the girls. ??? I have planned a small Greek willage, what the .... Is unsafe about that??? Some friends would be ready to reschedule their vacations to come along for shorter periods, i would only be alone there for some weeks in between. I'll let them think a about in for a while and then discuss again.

. Would it be realistic to organize no contact period staying here. It seems so hard. He will think out a way to come and see the children. It would not be a total separation.

Iaskedmy husband would he be ready take on a move to save the family, he said that theoretically it is possible. I asked would he consider it, he hesitated but later said he may think about it. May :-(

Why do these affair relationships turn into this type of very strong long term addictions. It seems a normal relationship doesn't. Or at least not for that long.

So your H has the right to freak out when he can't get a hold of you but it is okay for him to carry out an A?

He has the right to tell you he is with her come home and expect you to cuddle, and you are okay with this?!?!?!

You are right about the affair being an addiction but allowing him to carry it on and just accepting it, is not going to break this addiction.

If you want your family back together, you need to take the steps to break up this affair. Your H is having an affair, that means that he does not get to decide what is best for the family because he has already chosen to damage it with his affair actions.

Please quit making excuses and worrying about how his HIS ACTIONS and HIS AFFAIR are going to hurt him if you leave and take your daughters. He needs to know that if he choses the affair then he is giving up your family.

So you're still ok with him having a mistress and you are going to live with it?

I hope someone tells your girls that this is NOT how a Marriage should be and that their dad is wrong. What they must think of their mom for living with this???