OK. I just talked to OM's father and he was floored. Apparently, he thought something didn't seem right and approached his son. His son said he would never do anything with a married woman and lied to his face. He was extremely pissed and upset and said that he did not know if he would ever go to another reunion. He was extremely upset and told me that he was going to call his son immediately. More to come. Thanks!

Do you still have the emails between your WW and OM? Send them to the OM's father.

Greg,

Hold on one minute, I discovered that my wife had been private messaging one of the other sons of the group on Facebook about a month before the trip in April.

I suspect that your WW is not telling you the full truth, it really sounds like this started the year before at the previous get together?

Perhaps that's why she is so remorseful she has more she hasn't revealed and fears it coming out. Get a polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma

Greg,

If your wife is truly as remorseful as she says she is, she will understand that exposing is the ONE and ONLY way to start the recovery process.

She may be angry at first but again if she is truly remorseful she will understand that exposing the affair is a consequence of her actions. You should not only expose to your FIL but also your children (see the link on here that explains how to expose to children of all ages).

My H exposed me right away to everyone. I was upset and angry at first but it killed my affair and now I am grateful that he did. It really opened my eyes to the damage of an affair and how keeping it a secret only allows for it to be downcast and brushed under the carpet.

In addition, I like Gamma feel there it more to the story than your wife is letting on. Waywards love to trickle truth (give you only a bit of the actual story). You need to explain to your wife (and get a poly if necessary) that you need the entire truth no matter how painful it is for her to share or you to hear.

EXPOSURE AND CLOSURE - the two key ingredients to truly recovering your marriage!!!

[quote=Gamma]Greg,

Hold on one minute, I discovered that my wife had been private messaging one of the other sons of the group on Facebook about a month before the trip in April.

I suspect that your WW is not telling you the full truth, it really sounds like this started the year before at the previous get together?

No, this did not start the previous year. She met him last year and it started this year via Facebook. I remember going to a weekend christian couples retreat a two years ago called "A Weekend to Remember" and the lecturer told the entire group "In today's world, the single most dangerous threat to any of your marriages is Facebook." Now, after some time and many conversations, I know that one of her very important emotional needs was not being met with our marriage. That need was conversation. I tried to speak with her and spend time with her but, somehow, we have really never had many deep conversations over the last few years. She would go in our bedroom and watch a different detective show each night or read her book or look on her Ipad. This was after the kids went to sleep. I would go in the room and lay in bed with her and try to initiate conversation but I felt like I was always competing against the tv, one of her books or her Ipad. I really did try to talk to her but I was not successful. I now know that she craved this and that she reached out to someone else on FB and it started off innocently but morphed into something else as time went on.

Have you exposed to your FIL yet?

Classic case. Your wife had gone into withdrawal before the affair even started. You both had deep conversations earlier in your relationship, so it is possible to get on track. It is a matter of one day getting back to a place where you make deposits in her love bank again.

But first you have to make the affair is dead as a doornail by implementing the steps listed by 20years earlier in the thread. Once its dead, you start to rebuild and you learn to meet each other's needs. It's good that you contacted the POSOM's dad. Did you tell your wife's dad? He definitely needs to know.

The fact that your wife admitted the affair with no prompting is good. I would definitely have her write the no contact for good measure. You might send a copy to POSOM's dad also. He may take his son's word for it and this letter will be the smoking gun.

Take these actions, and if you have any doubts, e-mail Dr. Harley's radio show. His wife, Joyce, will take your questions, and they will be answered on the air. Here the e-mail address: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

If you do e-mail the show, share with them the situation and steps you have taken. You will find the response to be very clear and cogent, and you will be glad you did.

Good luck.

Things seem to be progressing much better now. I think she hit rock bottom on Friday night. She told me that her contact with the OM was finished and I had been monitoring her phone records/text messages online and could see that she had not contacted him. But on Friday, she proceeded to instant message him via FB some how despite having unfriending him. The OM messaged her back and was mad at her for "throwing him under the bus." The OM's dad had called him and scolded him for his actions and lying to him. The father was very upset that he would have done such a thing and then lied to his face saying that he would never consider doing such a thing with a married woman. So when my wife found out that I had talked to the father throught the texts with the OM, she was upset at me and told me that I was responsible for potentially ruining a father/son relationship and a 40 year friendship with the OM's father and my father-in-law. She unleashed on me and I stood and took it. But when she finished saying what she had to say, the fury and anger that I had carried with me came out and I unleashed on her like I have never before to anyone. I am usually cool,calm and quiet. My words were true and deadly accurate and I told her that it was not I who potentially ruined the father/son relationship that it was completely the OM's doing. My release on her took her to the ground and had nothing to say in response because she knew that I was completely right and she melted down. She went in the closet and laid on the floor in a ball crying for an hour. When she emerged, she was very calm and then became extremely remorseful and apologetic and, I believe she spoke from the heart when she apologized for contacting him again and swore she would never do it again.

On Saturday, our whole family including my mother, went to my daughters horse show. We drove separately and my mother took the kids home to watch them for the night. My wife and I drove to the beach and stayed in a hotel without the kids. It was a wonderful date night as we went to our favortite restaurant, took walks on the beach, and spent much quality time together and had good conversations. We both had a great time and it seemed like things clicked perfectly in every respect. She was also initiated intamacy which was something that she hadn't done in a while.

I think contacting the OM's dad on Friday was the final knock out blow. And I think her being chastized by the OM about throwing him under the bus was also a good thing. I had planned on telling her about my conversation with the OM's father but was going to wait a couple of days. But the way she found out, I believe, was probably more effective and damaging coming from the OM with him being critical of her and her actions. I will obviously stay on top of every thing daily going forward but think things have turned the corner for the best and I am hopeful that it will be all up hill from here.

Greg, you did a wonderful job in your exposures and taking her away for a romantic evening at a hotel. I want to applaud you for stepping up to the plate.

You talked about not spending time together anymore and that is critically important to the recovery of your marriage. It takes 15 hours of undivided attention time per week to just SUSTAIN the love in a marriage and 20-25 to create. Most marriages do not recover from affairs because they dont' take these steps. You don't have to be one of those.

The best way to get your undivided attention time is to plan 4 - 4 hour dates per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. As Dr Harley says, this program does not work without this step. Read up on it here: The Policy of Undivided Attention

MelodyLane,
Thank you for the kind words. Having been previously married, I was much more aware of what to do and what not to do in a marriage the second time around. I read many books and learned alot about relationships when I was trying to repair my first marriage where she dropped the bomb on me one day out of the blue that she did not love me anymore and wanted a divorce. So when I met my current wife, who had never been married, I thought I was really doing a good job and I was. Except for the conversation need. I actually knew that this needed work and I purposely did try to talk to her every night but I was competing against the TV, a book or an Ipad. I simply failed to break through. I treated her like a princess and she received everything she ever wanted plus some. But that one unmet need was so strong, and she never approached me about it, that it caused all this. I never knew and I can't read minds. She now understands that she must always tell me what is on our heart and not hold it inside to eat her apart. This need will be taken care of going forward. We are planning more trips together and will spend much more time together in the future. Thanks so much, Greg

Greg, here is the most important thing to understand. You can meet that need all day long but the romantic love won't last in your marriage if you are not meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs for fifteen hours per week of undivided attention. The # 1 cause of divorce is falling out of love. If you are not out together for 15 hours per week meeting ALL of the intimate ENs, you will fall out of love.

I suspect this is the reason she finds TV, a book, or the IPAD, more interesting than her marriage. Unless the issue of the TIME you spend together is addressed and corrected, I predict your future will be very rocky.

There aren't any other marriage programs that understand this dynamic and this is why Marriage Builders works and other programs don't.

MelodyLane,
I bought Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair and have been reading it. I asked my wife to download it as an Ibook and she has, on her own, started to read it as well. In fact, she is ahead of me and has commented on how much she likes it. She says she feels similar thoughts as one of the women in the book who he uses for an illustration. Anyways, we have been spending much more time together and I have already planned another date night for this coming Saturday night. We will continue to work and hope everything turns out good in the end. There are other issues that she needs to work out regarding her depression and she is seeing her therapist weekly. It is important for her to be happy with her own self. Thanks, Greg

Glad to hear you are reading SAA!!

Very concerned to hear she is seeing a therapist. We have had many marriages destroyed when a therapist suggested marriage wrecking tactics [ie: "trial separation," staying in contact with the OP to "test feelings," etc] or even worse, delving into the wayward's "childhood issues" while the marriage died on the vine.

Is she taking anti-depressants? And do you know what she is doing with this therapist? What is the purpose and focus?

MelodyLane,
I am very familiar and have total confidence in the therapist. He is an ordained presbyterian minister and has worked wonders with her in the past for other non-marital problems that she had about five years ago. I have met with him again during this problem and I asked if he was familiar with Dr Harley. He told me he was very familiar with him and told me "we sing off the same sheet of music." The first thing he told me when we met was that my wife had to completely cut off all contact of any form immediately and that she had to realize that I had the right to check her FB account, email, phone, text, etc. In my first marriage, we found a therapist that was horrible. My golden retriever would have done a better job. This is not the case with the current therapist. He is on the same page as me and is diligently working to restore and save our marriage. We go to see him together and I am going to see him alone this week as my wife can't miss work for this week's appointment. We will go together again next week. And yes, she has been on anit-depressants (zoloft) since before we met ten years ago. His focus is to save our marriage.

whew!! Ok, I can relax. You can't even imagine the DISASTERS we have seen on this forum over the years. It is consistent and it occurs about once a month, sometimes more, without fail.

Most people, understandably, don't know when they are getting destructive advice and are tempted to follow it. It sounds like you know the difference between bad marriage advice and good marriage advice.


I understand completely. Many times over the years I have told someone they would be better off getting pedicures than going to a certain therapist!

Not sure if I missed it along the way, has your wife completely closed (and not just temporarily) her FB page? It concerns me that after she felt remorseful and confessed she still got back on FB and sent OM a message.

Just thinking if it would have been completely shut down in the first place that this would not have happened. Goes to show how strong an A can be and how important it is to shut down every avenue of communication and contact (just learned a lesson on this myself very recently)with AP.

If it hasn't been done, yet, FB needs to be blocked, not just shut down.

It is so easy nowadays to accidentally stumble upon FB. So many people use it as their website for their business, and one can easily click on a link without realizing it's FB until too late. Every time that happens, she will be triggered to think of OM.

x1000 and to add Twitter, Myspace and all SOCIAL MEDIA! Its for teenagers not for adults and people who love DRAMA!

FYI, you can block facebook and other social media by using https://www.opendns.com/ it is completely free and works great. You point your router to use their DNS services and pick the categories you would like blocked or specific website. Granted it will only work on your home network, and not on cell phones outside the wireless network, but it's an EP I have in place now and makes me feel a little more secure.