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My problem has been that my wife has some PTSD from a prior traffic accident, and when I go out wheeling she thinks I am getting out of control on purpose...which of course couldn't be further from the truth. Point is, she is too afraid to go. She has no interest. The events and all she may eventually get involved with, we have talked about it, but the offroading could be an issue. Unless through the POJA, she wants me to go....but then that is IB....arghhh...all so confusing sometimes. I do ALWAYS take my daughter though (my name is on the driver's door, my daughter's on the passenger, she loves it!), and now the the others are getting older...point is, I don't do it on my own.
98 2 door Cherokee here...4th one...just got done building it. :-)
Last edited by jimbobalu; 06/07/13 01:57 PM.
D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
Wanting to make it work...right this time.
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My problem has been that my wife has some PTSD from a prior traffic accident, and when I go out wheeling she thinks I am getting out of control on purpose...which of course couldn't be further from the truth. Point is, she is too afraid to go. She has no interest. The events and all she may eventually get involved with, we have talked about it, but the offroading could be an issue. Unless through the POJA, she wants me to go....but then that is IB....arghhh...all so confusing sometimes. My W used to get scared running steep ravines around here too. SO, we would go to my buddy's that we would run our jeeps at and she would jump out when we would do the sketchy runs she didn't like..then she would jump back in when we would hit the creek or smoother trails. (now we basically hit country roads and go eat Japanese in it!) See? POJA ...you have to leave all your preconceived notions at the door when you start the discussions. I know you can go into these talks with an open mind where you both find a way to enjoy this most excellent hobby. Respecting the others feelings/points of view even when we see things Totally different is hard. Took me a LONG time to really get this..light years better..but I still struggle. POJA and RA takes a LOT of practice to get it right. Dr Harley says that if you shouldn�t do anything at all until you can reach an agreement that you are both enthusiastic about.
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My problem has been that my wife has some PTSD from a prior traffic accident, and when I go out wheeling she thinks I am getting out of control on purpose...which of course couldn't be further from the truth. Doesn't matter what the truth is.  Instead of discussions about whether you are or are not doing whatever on purpose, skip the discussions and practice POJA driving: only drive in a way that she (and you) are enthusiastic about. I don't go even a single mph above the speed limit any more. I was enthusiastic about going faster, but my wife wasn't. She's a lot happier when we drive now, and that pays dividends. Take steps in your driving to make it impossible for you to get out of control, and she may like it a lot better.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Reading your W's thread...you have to step up your game here my man.
She is not happy. She is not getting her EN's met. Are you?
When was the last time you both filled out an EN's questionaire?
and LB's questionaires?
Might want to get on that tonight.
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Skip the EN questionnaire and start with the four intimate needs: recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment. These are the four that Dr. Harley focuses on with top priority with the couples he counsels regardless of what they put on the form.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Reading your W's thread...you have to step up your game here my man.
She is not happy. She is not getting her EN's met. Are you?
When was the last time you both filled out an EN's questionaire?
and LB's questionaires?
Might want to get on that tonight. Couldn't agree more, which is why we are both here. I know we have not done well in this regard. This is our third go round, and I think we need to pay more heed this time. Each time we have read, and we are good for a while, but then we drift again. I guess become LAZY. I so want happiness, but I need to work to achieve it. I understand that, and hope to soak it in better this time so as not to continue repeating the same behaviors. We do need to do the questionnaire. Better than assuming what the other needs and getting it all wrong. I know it will be hard at first. But well worth the outcome in my opinion.
D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
Wanting to make it work...right this time.
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Skip the EN questionnaire and start with the four intimate needs: recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment. These are the four that Dr. Harley focuses on with top priority with the couples he counsels regardless of what they put on the form. Understood.
D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
Wanting to make it work...right this time.
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POJA and RA takes a LOT of practice to get it right. By the way...I know you are not referring to Revenge Affair...
D-Day 2/8/17...NC 4/3/17
Wanting to make it work...right this time.
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My problem has been that my wife has some PTSD from a prior traffic accident, and when I go out wheeling she thinks I am getting out of control on purpose...which of course couldn't be further from the truth. Point is, she is too afraid to go. She has no interest. The events and all she may eventually get involved with, we have talked about it, but the offroading could be an issue. Unless through the POJA, she wants me to go....but then that is IB....arghhh...all so confusing sometimes. I do ALWAYS take my daughter though (my name is on the driver's door, my daughter's on the passenger, she loves it!), and now the the others are getting older...point is, I don't do it on my own.
98 2 door Cherokee here...4th one...just got done building it. :-) Your problem is you have a hobby/activity that takes away from UA opportunities and a broken marriage. Good Marriage, or wheeling? If you do not value your marriage above all else, you will lose it. It's that simple.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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My problem has been that my wife has some PTSD from a prior traffic accident, and when I go out wheeling she thinks I am getting out of control on purpose...which of course couldn't be further from the truth. Point is, she is too afraid to go. She has no interest. The events and all she may eventually get involved with, we have talked about it, but the offroading could be an issue. Unless through the POJA, she wants me to go....but then that is IB....arghhh...all so confusing sometimes. I do ALWAYS take my daughter though (my name is on the driver's door, my daughter's on the passenger, she loves it!), and now the the others are getting older...point is, I don't do it on my own.
98 2 door Cherokee here...4th one...just got done building it. :-) Your problem is you have a hobby/activity that takes away from UA opportunities and a broken marriage. Good Marriage, or wheeling? If you do not value your marriage above all else, you will lose it. It's that simple. PS - You can "POJA" your marriage straight into the grave. The plain-and-simple marriage builders advice that Dr. Harley gives is that you should spend ALL of your recreational time with your spouse. Period. One of the most controversial positions I take regarding marriage is that a husband and wife should be together for their favorite recreational activities. Whatever it is they enjoy doing the most, they either do with each other, or they don't do it at all.
Some feel that I am out to destroy marriage with that suggestion, not save it. After all, how can a husband and wife survive each other in life unless they are able to get away once in a while to have some fun.
"You are meddling, Dr. Harley! I need something to look forward to, and _______ is absolutely essential to my survival," is the response I often hear from spouses when first introduced to the idea. "There are some things a man and woman simply cannot enjoy together, and yet are essential to their happiness."
But my advice is not based on ivory tower speculation. It's based on years of observation. Couples who spend their most enjoyable time together tend to have great marriages, and those who do not, tend to divorce. Furthermore, I have witnessed hundreds of couples who have given up activities that only one enjoyed for activities that they both enjoyed. None went crazy, and almost all of them were very happy that they made the change.
My goal is saving marriages, and I achieve that goal by helping a husband and wife fall in love with each other. They fall in love by being with each other when they are the happiest (depositing love units), and avoiding unpleasant experiences (withdrawing love units) when they are together. Since the purpose of recreational activities is to create enjoyment, it makes sense for a husband and wife to spend their recreational time together. It's one of the easiest ways to deposit love units. As it turns out, falling in and out of love is not as much of a mystery as some literature and music make it out to be. Love is simply an emotional reaction that is triggered by repeated associations of very good feelings with a person of the opposite sex. Technically, we can fall in love with anyone of the opposite sex if we feel particularly good whenever we are with that person.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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POJA and RA takes a LOT of practice to get it right. By the way...I know you are not referring to Revenge Affair... Typo. Meant RH = Radical Honesty
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Ok,
...and honestly I was curious what decision she would make.
And her story was intriguing enough to follow up on....
she is kind of a punky chick with Tattoos that my wife knows I have an attraction for... A summary of an affair in its early stages. BV
Me - WW/BW - 49
Him - CGIR - WH/BH 49
Married 27 years, together 33 (HS sweethearts)
No kids
DDay #1 - 1989 EA co-worker
DDay #2 - 2004 internet porn
DDay #3 - July 2006 EA different co-worker
DDay #4 - Aug. 2006 EA with OW #2 was actually a PA
DDay #5 - Sept. 2010 False recovery - H dishonest about both affairs and porn usage
DDay# 6 - Sept. 26, 2010 - Full disclosure - 1989 EA was actually a PA and lasted one year. 2006 PA more extensive than originally thought. 1992 ONS with prostitute.
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My problem has been that my wife has some PTSD from a prior traffic accident, and when I go out wheeling she thinks I am getting out of control on purpose...which of course couldn't be further from the truth. Point is, she is too afraid to go. She has no interest. The events and all she may eventually get involved with, we have talked about it, but the offroading could be an issue. Unless through the POJA, she wants me to go....but then that is IB....arghhh...all so confusing sometimes. I do ALWAYS take my daughter though (my name is on the driver's door, my daughter's on the passenger, she loves it!), and now the the others are getting older...point is, I don't do it on my own.
98 2 door Cherokee here...4th one...just got done building it. :-) Separate leisure lifestyles should not be POJA'd. Things that are bad for your marriage, are OUT. It is vitally important to create a fully integrated lifestyle.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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