I'd still be a little worried and cautious at this point. Is he going to engage in learning this program, too? Is he going to put forth as much, or more, effort as you?

I am worried that it has been years with very few steps taken, very few fundamental lessons learned. I really think you guys are a candidate for Dr. Harley's online program, where Dr. Harley will assign you a coach who will call you frequently and motivate you through learning the Marriage Builders lessons so you and he will stay accountable and do the work! I would hate to see both of you stop posting today and come back in three years with another marriage trauma and absolutely nothing changed other than you felt optimistic for awhile and read a couple of Marriage Builders articles.

There are things that should have been done years ago and were just never done. At this point I'm not sure how optimistic we can be that they will be done now! We see lots and lots of women here reading and learning and their husbands never jump on board. The women keep hoping they can turn their marriages around alone and they can't because their husband just drags his feet and does the bare minimum or nothing.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8116_coach.html

Just FYI, but UA at home very likely will not work. Most couples cannot pull it off. They do UA at home, it doesn't work, then they throw their hands up in the air and claim that UA itself doesn't work!

Getting out of the house is essential to making it work.

But you've given up on that before ever trying.

Dr. Harley has, on his radio show, often brought up a few ideas concerning babysitting:

1.) Join or start a babysitting coop.

2.) Ask your church for help. There may be a few folks who would enjoy helping a couple with their children.

Regarding the cost of a date, remember that it doesn't need to be expensive. You and your H can go for a nice long walk in a pleasant place and have a picnic. There are bicycle rides, free events, state parks with a small admission fee.

There are so many things you can do that don't involve lots of money. You just need to go out and find them.

Well, I sure hope so. I can't do this alone. I was under the impression he will. You can ask him. I know I will.


That would be amazing! Where do we get the money for that?


I understand and agree 100%. I'm not going to stop posting. I'm here for the long haul.


Absolutely! I couldn't agree with this more. He HAS to be on board with this 100% and do the work right along with me or THIS WILL NOT WORK!! (<----You see this, Jim?)

Prisca, I haven't given up on anything! We are broke! We struggle to make it from paycheck to paycheck. We are in debt and behind on bills. We have no credit, no savings, no emergency fund. NOTHING! And my H may lose his job in a few months. If I had money, I would absolutely do this TODAY! I wouldn't even think about it. It would already be happening.

What I am hearing from you is if we can't get out of the house we should just give up. I know that can't possibly be what your saying. It is what it is. I can't make money appear out of thin air. We will try to resolve this situation as soon as possible. In the meantime, we have to work with what we have.

As for the babysitting coop, I will look for one. We don't belong to a church and I don't intend to join one.

We live in a place where there aren't many children for some reason. I mean, I really have no clue where to look for free babysitting options. I will see what I can come up with. I'm still not thrilled with leaving my kids with strangers, but that's a secondary issue that I will have to deal with. First things first.

Thanks for the suggestions!

Check out care.com, if you haven't done so already.

You are right, that is not what she's saying. She is saying that if you can't get out of the house you should NOT give up, you should keep this problem on the front burner and be persistent and SOLVE it so that you can get out of the house. You should not just defer it to some later date.

I have already. The going rate is $10-$20/hr per child.

We found that people typically didn't charge a per child rate. They typically do want more for more children, but if one child is $10, that does not mean 3 children is $30.

(Which is good, because we have six!)

I found that the people we connected with there would negotiate the cost, even if they had an hourly rate listed.

Even if it is only $10/her for all 3 children.. That's $200/week we don't have.

Ditto

This problem needs to be one you brainstorm together about on a very regular basis. It should be a problem that you are constantly trying to solve.

It should not be pushed aside to some unknown later date to solve.

I'm not telling you to give up. I am warning you of how severe this problem is, and encouraging you to keep working on it NOW until it is solved. We have seen case after case of couples trying to have UA at home, and it just doesn't work for the vast majority of them. And THEN they give up entirely.

Which means you need to be talking about how you are going to solve this problem!

The lady we hired had an hourly rate listed. We were able to negotiate, and we paid her a flat rate for the week. It saved us money, and she was happy with the regular, steady income.

So try. Connect with some of these people and TALK to them. Post an ad -- you may get responses that way. But start talking to people.

I agree. We are not pushing it aside. We will be working on it NOW, but it will take time. Money will not magically appear overnight. If I gave the impression that we are putting this off, I apologize. That is not what I meant. We need to sit down, look at our finances, see if there is anything we can cut, and get caught up on our utility bills as quickly as possible. In the meantime, be looking for an affordable solution to childcare, so that is ready as soon as money is available.

What I was saying is that while all of this is happening, we will still be spending UA time at home, instead of putting THAT off until we can get out of the house.

I will do this. Obviously, the more affordable, the better. At the moment, it doesn't matter how affordable it is, it is not affordable. But I will start trying to make connections for when it is affordable...Hopefully that will be very very soon. I WANT to get out with my husband. I am not trying to get out of that at all. I look forward to it and will work hard (NOW) to make it happen ASAP.

Read this: Facebook Listed As Factor Of Divorce It's from 2011, but I've researched further and haven't seen a deviation from the fact that Facebook is listed as a contributing factor in 1 out of 5 divorces. (I've seen some that say '2 out of 5').

hangnthere,

When my H lost hist job earlier this year we essentially lost our "date night" due to finances. I do agree with Prista that an actual night out together really increases the pleasure of your UA time together however I do have some at home solutions for UA time that my H and I did together when we could not afford to do anything else.

1. Special Candle lit dinner with his favorite meal/music (our kids are older but your kids should be in bed or occupied and should not be part of this).

2. Massages - Twenty minute foot massage for you and then for him.

3. Reading Dr. H's books/forum - Now I know that reading does not exactly count as UA time but if you read and discuss out loud together I think that it really helps with the connection.

4. Bike rides together -Something we recently took up

5. Laying in bed together and talking about the day. No TV, no kids, no sounds, no distractions.

6. Plan on finding a way to save up for a babysitter and date night together.


A couple of other thoughts I had while reading your post.

1. FB MUST GO!!! Cancel it! Block it! Get rid of it!!

2. I may be completely wrong and you can tell me if I am but it seems to me that you have put your children's needs above your H's and even your own. I do understand that you have a special needs child and often times that does take precedent over anything else.

Dr. H however strongly advises couples to make time for each other and continue to make each other the most important part of your marriage. In any marriage it is important to spend quality time with your spouse away from the children to truly connect.

You and your H need to find out each others top EN's and use your time together to meet these.

I hear all of this loud and clear. Thank you!