first post here. i honestly wish i had never heard of this place or had to type this out.

i'm lost.
i'm heartbroken beyond what these words will convey
i'm infinitely sad
i'm confused
i haven't slept more than 30 minutes in the past 6 days
i'm not eating or taking care of myself

a little background... i'm early 40's. wife is mid 30's. married almost 7 years and together 10. i thought, obviously incorrectly, that we were happy and working together on some basic life goals we all have (debt payoff, retirement, traveling, etc.) we've been in the process of remodeling our home. we have plans, is my point, that we were actively talking about.

then came last week. i'll spare the details but i happened to pick up my wife's phone after i saw it was vibrating on the counter. she had it face down. i read a text message from the guy that she cheated with a couple weeks earlier while out of town. i then proceeded to read more text messages from my wife to her friend where she bragged about how good it was and how she could barely walk the next day. my heart sank. i decided to immediately confront her and ask if she was cheating. she confessed. i asked why she did it. she said she's unhappy. i asked about what. she told me that her "friends" told her she's different around them than she is when she's with me. she told me that she feels like she can't be herself around me. and then she said she wasn't satisfied in the bedroom. she admitted that she was drunk when this happened but was emphatic that it 100% consensual. she said the guy was "easy to talk to", was "physically attractive", was "charming", was "positive".

we talked for a couple hours that night about what you would expect. she told me she didn't know if she wanted to save our marriage. she said that she may have "damaged it too much" and that it would be easier to not fix it. i was initially going to grab a bag and leave that night to get away. after a bit i thought better of that and told her no. i wasn't leaving. she doesn't get to do this and then i leave. so she left and went to a friends.

she came back early the next morning and packed up a few things and grabbed the dogs. we sat again and talked for a few hours. i NEED to understand how she could betray me like this. i NEED to know why she didn't give me the courtesy of talking to me about this before it got to this. she just kept apologizing and saying she was sorry. never once did she drop to her knees and beg to fix this. or for forgiveness. nothing. eventually we'd had enough and she left. she has now gone to her parents to, i thought, figure this out and try to get her head on straight. i know that i am a basket case and barely function. i assumed she was as well.

she has since told me that she hasn't talked to anyone yet about this, not even her parents, because she's not ready. fine. fair enough. BUT. i made the mistake of looking at our shared cell phone plan to see if in fact she really had stopped talking to this guy. once again i was devastated. since the first time they had sex there have been 100's of text messages (including picture messages) every single day, all day. she tells me she's not ready to talk to anyone yet she's sending this guy 100's of texts all day long from early morning until late night. i confronted her about this as well. i guess she finally put two and two together and figured out that i must have looked at our cell phone bill. her response was "i won't be spied on" and "if i want to talk to him right now i'm going to". and she went and got her own cell phone. i asked what was so special about this guy and the response is "he's positive and easy to talk to". i'll also mention that he's married and has two small children.

we have decided to stop all communication until saturday or sunday at which time we will talk. i requested that rather than talk on the phone we actually get together face to face and talk. in retrospect i'm not 100% sure that's the best idea.

i'm not an idiot. i see it staring me right in the face. my wife that i knew a month ago is gone. she doesn't care about me. about us. about our life. nothing.

what i don't know what do is what to do now. i'm devastated beyond words. the most i've been able to muster is to contact a counselor and talk with them. my first appt. was this morning. above and beyond that however i just simply don't know what to do. i have so many questions. i need to know the answers to why. i didn't deserve this. i love my wife. i want her back. i'm just so lost and i don't know how i can carry on with this heartbreak and betrayal especially when she shows little to no remorse for it and continues to talk to this guy.

i don't expect any answers. i know i won't ever get any to many of my questions.
thank you for letting me vent.

Hdw, if you are here for answers on how to save your marriage, you are in the right place. We understand your pain and feel your need to commiserate, but our purpose is to give you an action plan to save your marriage as we have saved ours. Please go start by reading the "read here first" thread in this forum and come back. We will help you develop a plan.

Have either you or your wife ever had an affair?

Welcome to MB.

Please read ALL the threads in here. Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

My wife gave me the same complaints. Understand that right now, your wife is inside. What you see now is an addict getting her fix and she'll get mad at anyone who stands in her way.

Expose, hard and fast. all in one day to everyone. His wife especially. This will cause serious issues in affairland.

I am sorry that you are going through this and you will find many here to include myself have been in the dark place you are, got their heads above water eventually by listening and following the plan outlined here. Rely heavily on this site and the radio show that Dr. H produces daily. I can not promise the overall outcome of your individual situation, but if you follow the plan here, you WILL gain the following:

1. Stop any further pain to your emotional well-being because of this, following what is known here as Plan A or Plan B.

2. Get to the ultimate truth of what occured during your wifes infidelity.

3. Have a plan that will work if you follow it and your wayward wife is willing to get onboard.

4. Protect your marriage from this never happening again should you choose to continue.

Listen, in many tragic events in life people often say "I know have you feel" well this site is full of those, like myself, that really do know how you feel. I still am experiecning the pain of my wives affair and it's been almost (1) year.

Allow yourself to hurt, it's ok, it is a blow to the gut that I feel few can endure. But know that you are strong and must take care of yourself to function. You can get through this either way, regardless of the outcome, but it will be tough.

MY BEST ADVISE: DO NOT BELIEVE YOUR WIFE FOR HER WORD RIGHT NOW, ONLY HER ACTIONS. EVERYTHING IS BEHAVIOR BASED.

I still follow this today with my FWW. Please try to be strong, she will pick up if you are weak and only go further from you. Your wife needs to know the reality of what she has done which includes you not standing for her infidelity any longer.

Stay active on this forum.

Yes, EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE.....you can't wait on this step...I was a fool with my FWW by not listening to the posters here to EXPOSE as they first stated. I screwed around asking my wife questions to try and make myself feel better, all she did is lie, I even talke to the other male to get his side of the story, Really? It was all lies.

Get some hard evidence that is indisputable, such as phone records, photos' and then spend all the time you need telling the truth yourself.

Do not tell your wife when you are going to reveal this truth in their lovley little world. I called the OM wife when I went upstairs to go the bathroom. (Very appropriate). I told her who I was, what was going on and the evidence I had to support it. I exchanged my contact information with her and told her I wished to stay in touch as this thing fell apart.

Her and I talked for over an hour whiel I gave her as much details as I had. To my knowlwedge she then, called her parents, his parents and him with is new found knowledge.

Just be prepared, the OM had the nerve to tell me when I confronted him...don't tell my wife, I am kinda telling her in small doses becasue she suffers from depression (his second affair) this is between you and me. BS!!!

Expose this affair, don't worry about the fall out, it can only kill the affair...

Also have you been tested for STDs? Please do.

i am reading through that thread now. thanks.

me? NEVER
her? one that i know of. i have no idea if she's done this before now. i can't believe a word she tells me.

i'm fuzzy on the expose part that you and the person below mention.

i have the guys phone #.
i have his name.
i've looked at his facebook page
and his twitter page. i see he has a wife and two kids in the pictures.

i also have screen captures of the text messages from him to her and from my wife to her friend bragging. i have also saved off 6 months of phone bills as well. there was no contact with him that i see prior to this occuring a few weeks ago.

i told my wife initially that i was going to contact him but then i thought about it and backed off of it. i do not want to get in legal trouble for something she did just so i can try to feel better. when i told my wife i was going to contact him she literally BEGGED me not to.

are you suggesting that i do actually confront this guy on the phone and/or his wife?

thank you for all of this. re: your advice... i don't believe her. and her actions with the constant texting tell me everything i need to know about how much she cares for me.

please see my other response about this. i do not want to get into legal trouble for doing something like this. i also know, even though i'm 99.999999% sure my marriage is over, that if i do contact this guy or his wife that there's no possibility of reconciling with my wife at that point.

no. of course not. i thought i had a faithful wife up until last week.

i understand your point however.

There is nothing illegal over telling people about an affair. Waywards don't love BS when in the fog, they are like crack addicts. Waywards will sacrifice everything, including their children to continue the affair.

If you expose, it speeds the end of the affair. Once affair is over your spouse will go through withdrawl. Once withdrawl is over the fog should lift and they will see what they have done. THEN you have a chance to reconcile if you wish it.

As long as affair is in progress (and it is) then you are a barrier, not someone to love. You have to end the affair.

hbw,

So sorry you're having to go through this. I've BTDT too. I know your pain.

Ok, a few points:

- It is 100% LEGAL to speak the truth about anything, to anyone, as long as it's the truth.

The only thing you can get in trouble for is "slander", which is calling someone a name, or telling false truths about them. It is NOT slander to tell the truth to anyone at all about your wife having an affair. Just stick with the truth and you will be fine. In my 7 years on this board, I have NEVER seen anyone get in trouble for telling the truth.

- You can be 99.9999% sure that you will not have a marriage to save or reconcile, if you don't expose far and wide. Yes, your wife will be flippin mad. She will blame you for ending the marriage. She will tell you "Well, I was going to consider reconciliation until you pulled this!", she will say all kinds of things.

The point is, your marriage can and will survive her anger and wrath, but it will NOT survive if she is in an affair.

The only way to kill the affair is to expose it to every single person that has any influence over your wife. You need to ask the people you expose to on her side of the family and yours to help you with this by talking to your wife, and not accepting the other man.

You need to expose to the other's man wife immediately, and give her your contact info.

Your exposures need to be done tonight. Get your letter ready and expose all at once. Use FB as well, but copy all of the OM's contacts first into a word doc in case he tries to close you down. Send the messages a few minutes apart, so you don't get shut down. If you have to pay a $1 pay it.

Exposure is your most powerful weapon to kill the affair.

How will you get in trouble for telling the truth?


Wouldn't you want to have been told if someone else's had known?

The OMBW needs to be informed.

Keep all your evidence.

I found this here, but it's true everywhere...

http://www.toplawfirm.com/whatisdefamation.html

Read this thread that was just posted today.....

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2735204#Post2735204

i briefly spoke with a divorce lawyer yesterday. he HEAVILY advised that i do not contact the guy or his wife. he said it could lead to some serious legal trouble for me if the guy wanted to pursue it.

i understand and hear what you all are telling me with regards to this but i'm extremely wary of it.