My wife and I are committed to our marriage 100%! We have been putting ourselves first - and when we do, the rewards are so easy to see.

Enthusiastic agreements have been a HUGE key, if we try and weasel by them even a little.... we pay the piper.

Recently, there was an unsettled decision to spend the long holiday weekend with her family at my in-laws weekend house upstate.

We were meant to go up the whole weekend, but could not agree to do that. We had a plan that we were both happy to do - take the kids to the movies and come back for an early nite in.

The next day I couldn't verbalize 100% why I didn't want to go, but I knew my wife really, really wanted to go. I didn't want to disappoint her more than I was willing to go through why I didn't want to go.

We ended up going and although we had a good time, my in-laws got very upset because in their opinion I didn't seem like I wanted to be up there with them. We got home from the weekend, and my father in law shared his opinion and it caused some unneeded tension.

The lake house is also a significant source of time spent with the OW - where the EA/PA really started. So, if we never went up there ever again, it wouldn't hurt my feelings.

Beautiful place without a doubt. In time, I am sure I will be able to go back without any issues, but for now I still have them.

In addition, I am still not comfortable with several of the business dealings we have on at the moment with my in-laws. It is a work in progress - but being around them makes me very uncomfortable as there is a significant amount of money at stake.

Long story short - we ( I ) should have been more honest about my feelings, and we might have been able to come up with something that didn't cause any issues.

For now - one of the things we are facing at the moment is the possibility of moving.

Has anyone moved as part of their recovery plan? We are considering it, and want to make sure we are doing it for the right reasons.


Thanks for letting me share,

We moved 2500 miles away, and even changed countries. Our income was cut in half with this move. However, it was absolutely necessary, for my WH to unhook himself from the addiction of the A. And for me to lessen the horrifying triggers.

How is your BW managing with the triggers associated with you NOT moving?

First you said this

and then this:


Radical honesty needs to happen here. Does your wife know that the lake house is where your affair took place?


Yes, you should have.


Kiss and I are looking into relocating because of the triggers and the close proximity of OW. It has been a struggle though as he wants to stay with the company he is in. But I believe that moving is our best chance at recovery.

I do know that KGAA12 (?) recently moved and is very happy with the decision. You could look for his thread

To clarify, you are the WS? Your EA/PA has roots in this lake home? Does your W know this?

My FWW and I have enthusiastically agreed not go to her parents house for now which is in the same town her EA/PA took place.

I can't for one minute imagine going into a home where this took place.

Deciding not to go FWW�s parents home has caused a lot of hurt from my In-Laws as we have decided it is not in our R's best interest to go to the town where this took place. I went there a lot of times during the first 1-1/2 years of our R until I just couldn't do it anymore. Every time I go to that town, there it is a giant spike in my heart as it brings back all the memories as I associate that place with the A. I was typically depressed for a few days before and after going there. Not anymore.

Dr Harley discusses at great length about sacrificing our own happiness to make our spouse happy. It simply does not work. That is where RA and POJA come in and are so critical.

If the 'right reasons' include what is best for your M then yes absolutely you should consider moving.

Dr Harley is very open about his opinions concerning moving in situations to remove triggers, associations about the A or simply to make contact between the 2 lovers next to impossible. Sometimes a fresh start in a new location is exactly the right medicine.

Li runner:

With a location move comes the opportunity to change habits, and re-invent your life and relationship. You can choose new behaviours and routines, and they are much more easily established without the patterns of the past.

You and your BW can map out how you want to live going forward. It is a great adventure. I encourage you to consider, with your wife, what your ideal life would look like.

And, you have the huge benefit of eliminating triggers, or the possibility of running into ex-AP's.

li runner, does everyone know this is where the affair took place? Does the OW live up there? Does she live close by? This is the kind of place that should be avoided at all cost because it a) triggers memories and b) may result in a chance meeting with the OW?

Thank you all, this helps tremendously.

My wife is aware that the EA started up at the lake house. The PA was in the city. We have openly and honestly discussed the triggers and we are both more aware of them now.


We have talked about it openly, and my wife admitted she knew I was not 100% in agreement about going, but wanted to go anyways.

She is unhappy with the way it turned out, the subsequent withdrawals, and we have both committed to keep to our training and not give up on the POJA. It is there for a reason.

We are intimately using the POJA for this potential move. It is a big one, and we have just today finished documenting pros/cons for all potential candidate solutions.


I don't know where the OW lives anymore. Two years ago she lived and worked in NYC way uptown. I work way downtown ( literally the other side of the city ) and I think there is little to no chance of running into her. She may not even live there anymore for all i know. When I go into the city, it's straight to the office, up to my desk, then the return trip home via the subway and train the same way I got in.


We are discussing what the right thing to do is. We know we need to do something, and we are the closest we have ever been with regards to openly discussing it.

It is a great feeling.


Thank You.. Will keep you posted to progress.

I would move as soon as you practically can pull it off. I tried to first move to the other side of the US, would have been the absolute best for our marriage recovery.

Was within weeks of making that move and after applying to over a dozen jobs, could not secure employment to support the family.

With that option off the table we had to find an alternative because the triggers and the chance of still be intigrated in the same community was problematic.

We ended up selling our brand new home and moving out in the country about 40 minutes from the city where the A happened.

Not perfect, but it gave me enough of a gap to start new, not have triggers and be FREE to move about my community without chance sightings of the OM, his family or associates.

It makes a big difference and I can only imagine that a bigger move would justbe that much more beneficial.

I will say even with move, the pain is still present, but just not at the forefront of all you thoughts.

I feel doing this gave my wife a fair chance to do her part in restoring our marriage and enough distance to lleave my pain behind to focus on doing my part.

KGaa12,

Thank You for the response.

We have had a setback recently - my wife is not comfortable with the idea of moving.

The house we are living it is really owned by my father-in-law, and when we moved in 3 years we truly felt like we would be in a position to buy it from him as my wife was just about to finish her dr. in math.

MY EA and PA threw a huge wrench in her school work and basically delayed things for 2 years.

Now - we find ourselves in a house that we have no way of affording ever.

Moving to me offers a way to restart together in a new place ( very exciting ) - but my wife does not feel the same.

It's very frustrating to say the least - and we left home this morning disconnected. It was the worst morning we have had in a very long time.

I am struggling like never before. The conversations between us are getting colder and more distant.

No disrespect, just distance.

We talked more this morning after I got to work, and txt'd about how she felt. She is generally very depressed about the whole thing.


I am going to go through your moving thread in more detail and look into what else Dr. Harley says about moving and share with my wife.

thanks,

Sounds like moving would give you both the fresh start that you need and would also cut that financial bind to your in-laws that has been dragging you down.

I would suggest that you two plan a sit down and see what you can negotiate Successful Negotiation

I encourage you to really study the POJA and how to Successfully Negotiate like Rocketqueen stated.


This may be the source of a lot of your problems..finding win-win solutions where you are BOTH enthusiastic about the decisions you make in life.

Tons of information in the articles section of this site.

Will you and your BW contact Dr. Harley?

I agree you must AGREE on how and where to move, BUT the option itself of moving, in my opinion, is NOT a POJA issue. I told my wife that in order to stay in the marriage and be able to even begin the "healing" and "recovery" process, we must move.

I would have been willing to reamin in our previous home without my wife there and with my three children if I was NOT choosing to embark on recovery and remaining with her in the marriage.

To many triggers would have prohibited my FWW from making deposits in my love bank. I needed an area that was infested with the memories of her A. I also needed somewhere I could go to rebuild our relationship without fear of running into her affair partner. My kids are switching schools next year and there is virtually no chance of them being in the same place as the OM kids.

We changed churches and can even go out locally and not fear seeing him. I must stress this......

I WOULD HAVE MOVED FURTHER IF I COULD HAVE AND NOT SUNK THE SHIP.

I traveled to various states out west agressivly searching for employment. My FWW actually secured work in two different states and was just waiting for my employment situation to pan out, which did not. I still knew that a relocation to some extent was a must for me. Maybe some betrayed spouses don't feel that way, but for me it was either get a fresh start or be out.

You talk about financial struggles, which I fully understand, BUT you must weigh how much you can endure for the results achieved.

I sold a brand new home having to pay a realtor commission of almost $12k! Ran up a credit card traveling in search of work..

Just explore what options will truly work for YOU and then agree on how to make that happen. My rules to reamin in marriage...

1. Follow all MB principles.
2. Relocate out of the line of fire, to have some sense of peace and a new beginning.

Moving futher would have given me the ultimate peace, but I am working with what we have developed.

Rocketqueen / 20Year History,

thank you both.

I am looking through the site getting the articles together, and have read the successful negotiation page.

That is really a key. This past weekend we kept on going way more than we should have. It would have been best to walk away a few times and just come back to it later on.

We persisted through it - trying to force outcomes, with damaging results as neither one of us conceded to the other.


We both feel stuck. It's not a pleasant feeling.

We did agree to have a MB session with Steve. Perhaps he can help us move forward enough to find common ground.

Are you saying that you argued about this? Did this descend into an actual argument?

You owe your wife big time for the grace she has shown you in allowing you to stay after you destroyed her and your marriage. For you to argue with her over this is unacceptable.

Sugarcane, it's actually the WS who wants to move and the BS who seems to want to stay (?), oddly enough.

Li_runner - what point were you two stuck on? Where to go? When? What?

I edited my post when I realised that I misunderstood the situation about moving. I have removed the incorrect passages from my post, and I apologise for suggesting that you were denying your wife's request.

I sympathise with your feeling that a move would be good for the marriage, but I acknowledge that your wife does not see things that way. That does not mean that you should drop your request, but that you should continue to negotiate with her about the issue without putting her under pressure to change her mind; without making your request into a selfish demand. You need to be open to her point of view. For example, she must realise that you are now living in a house that you can't afford, so how does she see this being managed? Is she happy to stay there because it belongs to her father, while you want to invest money into your own property? Can you see her point of view, and live with that situation for another year or two?

Alternatively, if you negotiate in a safe and considerate manner, you might be able to get her to try your suggestion.

Somewhere on Dr Harley's private forum (for those of us who have done the online course) there is a post in which he describes his and his wife's move to Minnesota. They used to live in California, and Dr H got a lucrative job offer in MN (Many years ago). Mrs Harley did not want to move away from both sets of parents and the friendships she had forged as a mother in the community, and as you probably know beter than I (I am British), that was a big geographical move to a state with a much less pleasant climate.

He negotiated with her that they would try living in MN for a period of time (just a few months, I believe) and they would keep their house in CA. If Mrs Harley ever decided she did not like MN they would move back immediately. That was years ago, and they still live in MN and they still have the house in CA, and the deal is still that they can move back whenever Mrs H decides she wants to. However, because she gave the move a genuine try (rather than making a reluctant agreement), and because she knew the move could be easily reversed, she has been able to find many enjoyable things about living where they do, and she hasn't wanted to move back yet.

You have to be creative with negotiation. There are always more solutions than "your way" and "her way". If her father owns that house, could you try buying somewhere else with the proviso that you can move back into his house if that fails? Could he let it out for, say 6 months, so that you can have your trial move and go back if it fails?

My main point in my first post was that couples should NEVER argue anything, and you in particular should never browbeat her over what you want for marital or personal recovery.

Fighting is terribly destructive to marriages and Dr H spends a lot of his time teaching couples not to do it. Your marriage is still on life support and it could fatal for you to argue about affair recovery at this time.

SugarCane,

thank you for your wise suggestions. They are all great ideas, and the withdrawls i know for sure are at the critical stage. I need to be making way more deposits at this point.

it is hard to see things from her perspective, but I am trying. We are going out tonight ( UA ) and we are going to work through it ( happily )!

thanks again,

I just want to point out that your UA time should be for fun only. It should be the highlight of your week.

That doesn't mean that deep conversations cannot be held in UA time, but it seems wise to avoid negotiations over topics that you already know are contentious. If you were planning your move, and choosing a new house to put an offer on, perhaps looking at furnishings, and looking at details of schools in the area, that might pass as the kind of intimate conversation that deposites love units. However, the issue of whether to move at all, when the two of you have already shown that you are on opposite sides and have already had an argument, and when it's tied to your affair (from your point of view), hardly seems like a potentially fun evening.

I would schedule the talk for a non UA time when you are at home and the kids are in bed. Even if you decide to go out to talk about it - don't count is as UA time. You could spoil UA time.