MSS,

Trouble being the bigger person sometimes .

Hard to take the years of your life which were erased.

God Bless
Gamma

I mentioned here an old friend of mine himself a cheater who lost it all who I now how no relationship. He's a friend of om and as such as I discontinued my association with no regrets. He knows of the A.

I decided upon agreeing to remain married that if her little secret got out in our community where heretofore its remained in the dark that I would be forced to move. So, when an acquaintance who lives in town who I've known for 25 years but never really liked mentioned to me over the weekend in the supermarket that he ran into my old friend who I no longer speak with, I got concerned this old friend would let out her secret.

This would be a grave thing. Among the fortunate aspects for my wife is that om lives outside our area and our closest friends stopped asking whatever happened to om and family. We made up some bs story about a falling out between our families over investments gone bad. (That part is true but not the mitigating factor.)

I won't be able to live if people I see every day know I was being two timed with someone who spent all this time in my house (while I was there). It's humiliation I can't and don't have to handle.

In effort to be open and honest, I felt its right to tell my wife the above.

You are right to feel this way. You are right to and must tell your WW everything that you put in this thread.

Also why wait for the manure to hit the fan and move before it happens?

Also want to remind you that people gossip all the time, about things both true and not. With you and your wife together and her in love with you and, for all appearances, you are in love with her, hardly anyone would believe it. It will appear to your acquaintances to be what it is - nasty gossip.

You've been at this long enough. You say you've 'tried the mb method' - but you also say that MB requires a neutering of emotions: NOT TRUE. Marriage Builders requires you to reinvent your former relationship, basing a new relationship on complete honesty. I suspect you feel that you have been neutered, but Marriage Builders didn't do that - your WW's affair did. MB can show you the way out. Did you do the MB online course?

Mike, has your wife ever posted here? Because GEEZ!! 5 SECONDS OF ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR WIFE'S 150% 'BUY-IN'??? SERIOUSLY?? Seriously - "BUY-IN" ?? This playing field sounds very unlevel. What has Dr. H said to you about this?

I'd like to talk to your wife. What does she say about your posts here? Does she KNOW that you post here?

And, NG, I'm assuming Mike's phrasing is just awkward, and you're not actually on match.com, correct?

She will not come here. She knows that I write here. And I believe she understands exactly what I write about concerning our marriage.

I was referring to ww who fence-sit in the face of losing it all. Buy-in may have been a poor term to use in hindsight. Maybe because of MY wife's adultery tale being what it was, I would not tolerate any withdrawal. I'd sooner let her have him and I'd take my kids and leave. I do understand this might be contrary to mb standards but just how many 8-year affairs do we see coming thru here?

I've mentioned this before that I've done the mb process less than perfectly. I'm an angry guy with a weak personality. I'm interested in the status quo so my kids lives are not disrupted. I re-live her affair everyday. It's not going away. I'm easily triggered.

Let me close by saying I have complete trust in her. She has always done exactly what a remorseful fww should do to recover her marriage. I don't see how I can remove the stain of what was done. Too many years of marriage demolition. I'm resigned to what is...is.

MSS, a good reason to email Dr H or call the Harleys. Get some strategies to leave the affair in the past.

NG...you're not actually on match.com, correct?

Mike is referencing a post I made a while ago, in which I stated that HAD Bride violated any of the EPs we together established four years ago, the only website on which NG would today be posting would be match.com.

So NO, I am not scouting around. In the spirit of full disclosure, this:

"Opinionated, troll-like, dwm, 60, history of heart problems and cancer, seeks lady crazy enough to put up with him..."

would probably not generate a great deal of interest, anyway!

Mike, I can't help but feel like my H is sitting in the same boat you are right now...a lot of resentment and triggers and very little hope. I remember reading this summer that you were done and throwing in the towel but by your recent post it seems like you are still together. It also seems like you and your marriage are in a terrible state. Not 100% sure where i am going with this or what exactly I want to know. I guess I am just trying to understand my Hs pain through your eyes...although my hope is that he does not say and feel some of the things you say on this site...but honestly I am not sure.

fifteen, I would just point out that Mike didn't move either, and is not immune from the possibility of running into OM.

Omw is filing for divorce. Do I tell my wife?

No. Why on earth would you?

For her information. Nothing more or less.

I wouldn't bother passing along the info. Just let it pass without comment.

For her information. Nothing more or less.

BULLSPIT!

To remind her of her betrayal. Nothing more or less.

Mike, there's a difference between experiencing suffering because of your WW's former actions, and causing suffering because of her actions. You've been here over two years. I'm begging ya - either get with the program, or come clean with us here that you have no plans to do so, okay?

(And please do NOT tell us how you were "surprised" to be given the information of this development.)

She lives a guilded life where she retains the dignity and stature of a happily married person while her victim(s) suffer. I have opted to live in thus silent purgatory for a myriad a reasons.

And NG, I can fuel the fires at any time for any reason I choose but I don't. I choose the high road while my insides give Tums and Rolaids a run for their money. So don't accuse me of disingenuous motives. Her going to bang her boyfriend while keeping a straight face is disingenuous.;

I'm the good guy here.

I wasn't surprised about the news. It was expected. If I was my wife I'd like to know if my lover's soon to be ex was speaking to my spouse.

I'm the good guy here.

That is open to judgment with every action each of us takes, every day we draw breath.

What you seemingly cannot get your head around is that your wife ceased being the "bad guy" over two years ago.

MSS,

I say tell your W, she has to live with the damage she has done to OM's family. OMW was not some faceless statistic, she was WWs victim every bit as much as MSS.

God Bless
Gamma

This is not a path to recovery. FWW is supposed to be in NC with the OM. So, how do you maintain NC while continuously reminding FWW of the OM and his family?

MSS and his wife should just worry about themselves, and leave the problems of the OM and his family to them. NC means just that; forgetting about the OM and moving on.

Excellent advice mrEureka.