Agree with Jessica. however, I would not bother with this list right now. In the Plan B letter all you say is "end your affair and enter a program of recovery." THEN, when he agrees to end his affair and meet your conditions, you have your intermediary give your conditions. But your conditions need to be focused on extraordinary precautions to avoid another affair.

Okay, so I don't put any conditions in the letter? How do I know he sent a no contact letter? Does it go back and forth between the intermediary until I approve it? So do i require him to do some of my conditions before he moves back?

Brain hurts, yes, that is my call. Except I found out a WEEK before having my baby, she misstated that.

I am pondering going to see OW instead of just texting her, it could go badly but I really want to clarify some things in person. Plus it would be more effective of her understanding that I am a real person and not just a game. Although I don't expect much from her. I will take a witness so I don't get accused of anything.

When he ends his affair and commits to this program you will lay it all to him then.

So how do I know he ended the affair?

He has to tell your IM. And then you come here and tell us what was said.

Okay, tonight I am waiting to hear back from some church leaders. Most likely tomorrow day I will confront OW. Tomorrow night Plan B goes into effect.

I'm shaking. Probably should go eat something.

Do you have an intermediary lined up? Do you have your Plan B letter written?

yes and mostly yes.

Not sure where to restart here or move to the recovery thread, so I will give a history since my last post.

April 8 I was ready for plan B to implement the evening of april 9, completely ready and at peace with my decision, happy even! Today I also found divorce papers that had already been filed at the courthouse in january but never served to me. (when I ask him later about this he pretends he had no idea they were filed). Morning of april 9th I apparently left the house unlocked and he came in while I was gone, saw the Plan B stuff up on the computer. He asked me to go to lunch, then he surprised me by asking why i had been so patient with him. We ended up talking for 2 hours, he said he knew he needed to end the affair, valued our family, couldn't believe what had been happening, thought he had had the perfect life. He wanted to shout at the devil. I left elated that we were married again! He came home that night to stay.
A couple days later I listened to a voice recorder I had put in his pickup and was shocked to learn that 2 minutes after I had gotten out of his pickup he had called OW, pretending to be all pissed off that I had missed a meeting with the attorney, etc. Very lovey dovey with her. And another call later that he had picked up some matching custom-embroidered jackets with his company logo for the two of them. I put the recorder back in his pickup but he found it a couple days later. I confronted him about the recording. He didn't have much to say.

April 16 I insisted that he end it. Either he could sit his a** down and write a letter or he could leave. So he wrote a letter. He left early the next morning to leave the letter at her barn, was supposed to take a trailer to get some horse equipment he had there, and was supposed to take his best friend with him. Neither of those things were done, so I kicked him out that night.

April 19 - His parents had come for the weekend. He got kidney stones this morning, went to the ER. his dad asked if he could come home and I said yes since his parents were here. (I know, bad choice). They stayed the weekend with us and things were good.

May 1 - Our new baby is supposed to be blessed on the 5th by my husband, it's a religious service. I told him no way was he blessing our sweet innocent baby while he had an affair going on.

May 2 - WH and his best friend go to her barn, get the equipment, and best friend witnesses Andy leave the letter I had approved in her tack room. (I think he switched out letters)

Life goes on, he is living at home. Although he has kept a lot of his stuff at his rental house, and his attitude hasn't changed too much. I would think he would be sad/devastated.

May 17 - there is a rodeo this weekend his family is going to and have asked us numerous times to go to. WH doesn't want to. I had read a text a month or so earlier from OW's dad to WH about going to it. Today when I ask WH where he wants to go to dinner tonight, he picks a fight with me and says I should go with someone I'm not always mad at. (I have been trying to keep home pleasant and comfortable). Don't hear from him the rest of the weekend. His family scours the rodeo stands for him, but they never find him. We find out later they did go together with her family. Puke.
His family is furious, his business partner/best friend is furious and I have had it. We make a plan to have a meeting with WH and OW Tuesday night.

May 19 evening he texts to ask if we can talk. I reply talk is cheap and that our son's preschool graduation is Monday night if he even remembers he has children. Otherwise I will see him Tuesday night.

May 20 - Preschool graduation, he apparently doesn't understand english texts. he finds out from my brother in law that preschool grad is RIGHT NOW and shows up for the punch and cookies at the end. He gives oldest daughter a cap that no man would EVER pick out, but its too small so she brings it to me for the baby. As we walk out they want to ride home with dad, I say dad's not coming to our house. Oldest daughter starts to freak out. I get her in the car, he is walking to his vehicle and I follow him. He sees me, turns around and I throw the cap at him and say Don't ever give our children gifts that you and your d**n girlfriend picked out! and walk away. Later I sent a nasty text that said "if you thought with your brain instead of your [censored] you might be able to make it to important events for your children. And don't hug and kiss our children with your filthy hands and mouth that have been all over her all weekend. Makes me want to puke".

May 21 - He sends a couple of pissy texts today, his dad has informed him of the meeting and he is trying to pry me for info. I make the mistake of telling him OW has been invited, I figured he already knew. Unfortunately she is out of town. WH's sister does talk to her though and she wanted to come. She has no idea what has been going on, just thinks we are getting divorced and I am being difficult about it. Meeting is with his parents, business partner/BF, brother, sister and brother in law. He comes in with an attitude. His partner tells him how much he values their relationship, but that if he chooses to divorce me, the electrical business is done. Even if he chooses to stay, their farming business is done because his BF doesn't want to endanger his parents/brothers who are also involved. I give a rundown of what he will have to do if he stays, and what will happen if he leaves. His dad talks for a minute, and his brother. His mom is sobbing, which really gets to him because she never cries. He eventually softens and says he knew what he always wanted was to stay with our family.
He has to call the OW with us listening. He tries but she isn't answering. So WH and BF go to get his stuff from the rental house. All the next day his parents stay and we are playing phone tag with OW. Finally I realize he has had his phone turned on complete silent so nobody knows when it rings or gets a text! Bad sign. His parents have to leave. 9:30 that night hubby types out a text to her that I approve and sends it. She replies "so you're not going to call me?"

So life goes on....WH is not liking restrictions, says gps on his phone makes the battery run out too fast, doesn't like to take someone with him everywhere he goes, etc. Disappears one Sunday for 8 hours, leaves phone at home. Says he took a drive. Another night gives me some crap about helping a guy move equipment. I have awkward conversation with guy who knows nothing about it. He admits he went to see her but says she was mad at him. June 11 I am near rental house and decide to peek in to see if they got everything out. He has moved all his stuff back in! Last straw. Why am I such a pushover?!

June 12 - I decide my last option is to talk to her face to face. I have wanted to do this for some time (exposure) but people advised me against it. The same brother and sister meet me for dinner and go with me to her house. She is shocked to learn that I have never been served divorce papers and that he is living at home. Shocked to learn that he has been lying to her. BF is supposed to bring WH, but WH won't budge, says he has been doing everything he was supposed to. So we all (with OW) decide to come to my house so he can make his final choice. AWKWARD!
He wants to speak to her alone first, I say no way. He says to her that their relationship is like no other relationship he has ever had (duh!). She actually says that regardless of his decision, she is out and should just leave. I thank her for wanting to do that but say that Andy needs to make his decision, own it, and say it out loud so that everyone there knows what it is because he has tried to trick us 3 times before (another shocker to her) that things were over between them. That he could tell us one thing and then call her tomorrow and tell her our marriage is over and we would all be right back where we were before. Eventually he says he guesses he will try to work on our marriage. Everyone there snorts at that answer and says it will take more than a half-a**ed effort. He has to be 100%! Anyway it ends up that he picks our family, she is ok with that, says she has always told him family is most important and she is a big girl and can handle the truth. She had just thought he was her knight in shining armor with a nasty wife that was almost gone. She agrees to have no contact and will contact the sister if he tries to contact her. WH has to give me the secret phone, and go to our bishop RIGHT NOW. WH is furious and devastated all at once, wants to talk to her before she leaves but I say no. OW sends one text to phone, saying she will not date a married man, will not contact him and expects the same from him.
OF course next morning he calls her from someone else's phone so she answers. He feels he has to explain himself and apologize. OW does call sister to tell her.
WH has been moping around, in tears occasionally, sometimes angry, etc. Just hard to be around. Accuses me of taking $1000 from his pickup. I was like, Hey man, if I took 1K from your pickup, I would be doing a happy dance paying bills!

June 14 he sends her a text, he says it was a phone number for a farmer with hay he had been supposed to give her. Of course he deletes it so i don't know what it really said.

Sorry this was long and probably too detailed, but it was good to get it out.

Soooo.... the question is, what now?
We have the HN/HN and LB program, with the online component. haven't gotten into the books yet ( I have already read HN/HN) but have viewed one video online. Have gone to 2 counseling sessions so far, but I fear our lady counselor is too timid.

I am wondering if we should wait until after he is out of withdrawal?

I realize this wasn't exactly a good way to end the affair. The exposure of the truth to her was necessary and should have happened long ago. Although he did make a "choice" he was kind of forced into it. He's certainly not humble and sorrowful, but I wonder if that will come after withdrawal. He is dragging his feet about getting his stuff from the rental, although he does live at home. Also dragging about talking more with the bishop.

Just draaaaagggging....

IS there a reason we have to read that? What is the bottom line? Are you in Plan B?

Why all the high drama? Why do you choose to live like that?

The affair is NOT OVER!!

Admit it, you love the drama!!

I HATE drama! I was just a sucker to believe him every time he said it was over. Clearly I should have just Plan B'd him long ago.
That being said, I do think it's over. She didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I consider us in withdrawal now.
So should I plan B him now because of his attitude? I thought the attitude was normal during withdrawal?

Doesn't matter what plan you are in if you are an enabler.
Whatever plan you decide on, make your yes mean yes and your no mean no.

He has no reason to behave because you have set no limits. This has been a very fun ride for your cake-eating husband.

He is not going to change for you right now. He will promise, but he'll break it again. He needs to hit rock bottom, and you need to show him you mean business.

Plan B is your only option at this point, but don't [censored] foot about it.

If I were you (and I'm not, so take this with a grain of salt) I'd plan B him while following through with the divorce.

I congratulate you on arranging an intervention, and on confronting the OW.

But the fact that OW is done with your WH and is cooperating with you, and that WH is STILL pursuing her to try to keep TWO women in love with him speaks volumes about his character and his long term viability as a husband. His attitude, as you put it, will make recovery impossible.

Your just had a new baby, and you need to focus your energy on taking care of yourself and your children.

IMHO, all that your WH has done to you during this vulnerable time of your life and your children's lives, is too huge a mountain to recover with him from, without major resentment that will impact your happiness and mental stability.

You should Plan B him because a) his affair is not over - HE WAS JUST TEXTING HER A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO!! and b) he is not serious about recovery - he is only serious about getting you off his back

He will not take you seriously until YOU are serious. You are not serious about this.

When are really going to go to Plan B.

I have an appt with my attorney early next week. I will plan b him Monday. Won't be hard. He texted and tried to call her again yesterday. It's sad the shell of a man he has become but I can't help him at all.