I was on today's radio show. I can't say that I heard anything unexpected (with the possible exception of the "continue plan A" advice), but I definitely have decisions to make. I just want to hear what others may think about my situation after hearing my show.

Do you recall the wry comment Dr. Harley made about how the folks on the forum would react to his "Stay in Plan A" suggestion?

For this poster, in yet another case, he was, once again, perspicacious!

So are you saying that you disagree with his suggestion or simply that it surprised you? I honestly don't know what I want to do now. The thought I have is to stop being a threat to OM and let him hang himself while assuring my ww that I will be here for her when he does. I AM very strong now, but I'm wise enough to know that I won't be for "years". I can't imagine that kind of pain for myself or for our children. I think that Dr Harley's idea must have been that if I am loving and stop love busting that OM will fall short sooner rather than later and WW will see me as a changed man once the fog clears, but at the same time, He is most likely to fail once he no longer sees me as a threat and that is more likely in Plan B and/or with a finalized divorce.

I definitely need a new job though.

I really need to listen to the show a second time. I recall a strong recommendation for you to have a family meeting minus your WW, and expose the situation truthfully to your kids. If you do that first, their reactions might help to guide you with further decisions.

I concur! That's why I am where I am.

The children know and I just wrote about 87 people that are family and mutual friends on Facebook. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done. The hardest thing ever BEFORE my ww even knows what I've done. This is gonna get really ugly really fast.

Buy a VAR fast and stay calm don't argue with just tell her you doing this to save your marriage and family.

tj

NG minions having to look up words again. Thanks for the vocabulary lessons.

end tj

VAR?

Voice Activated Recorder

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to record someones voice without their knowledge in MD. Remember that came up in the Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinski Scandal because some of the phone recordings were in MD.

I don't know about that your married. I would do it anyways then ask a lawyer if you can use it if it comes down to it. I'm sure your WW will play a domestic violence ploy. Protect yourself get the VAR

Thank heavens it is not just me!

I think Dr. Harley sees that there are two equally viable solutions here, and suggests plan A because you are still able to do it. He was giving you information about what either choice could bring. It's up to you to decide based upon this information and all the personal information you have that he doesn't. It's interesting how he gives advice: he lets you know based upon what he's learned what's down the paths you can choose, but leaves you to determine which of those you'll take. Like for me, he didn't advise me what I should choose, just let me know what results I could expect from the paths I had to choose from.


/tj Sometimes I wonder if my ending of many sentences with prepositions exasperate NG. /tj

It is illegal in MD to record someone over the phone without their consent. I believe the law is phone-specific, and doesn't apply to all recording in general.

Dr Harley's advice was very interesting and I for one was kind of surprised but I do see his point.


This is a very personal choice that you will have to make. Under your circumstances, I for one could not do it. (continue to Plan A that is)

At 2 years in, it seems more like plan 'doormat' or plan 'thank you for kicking me, can I have another'

And Dr Harley is right some us might just say...look you have to man up here bud. Do you like getting sand kicked in your face?

I have no idea how you have done this for so long or can continue to stand by while she bangs another man right in front of your face.

Adultery is illegal in MD too. Just saying...

MD Law

Granted the fine is stupid low, but it is a point to make.

Besides that, all you have to do is say at the beginning, "I am recording this".

Sometimes I wonder if my ending of many sentences with prepositions exasperate NG.

Yup, I have been gritting and grinding my teeth downs to the GUMS!

But....I have full dental coverage, so carry on!

NG, You are funny. Even though I'm guilty myself from time to time, I regularly ask friends to not dangle their participles.

The reason I have been strong so far is that God has been so intimately involved in my struggle to this point. I've said it in my email to Dr Harley and in the forum that I have wondered why God had not led me to MB earlier. Perhaps I wouldn't have listened anyway. perhaps the advice would have made my situation worse, as it does in rare cases. In any case, HE has kept me strong and when people have asked how I can do it I honestly don't know except that God has been with me. To have my love tank on empty for two years and to still maintain the passion I have for her and for her soul is nothing short of miraculous. In my case it's not about "manning up" because it would be so easy to just end the marriage and move on, I'm not scared or timid about standing up for myself. It is my strength (through Christ) that has kept me where I am without just giving up and running away. At the same time I have become the poster child for the "no unconditional love" policy that Dr Harley has. I have given the unconditional love that my ww needed to make the changes she needs to make, but she has not come out of the fog long enough to make them. Every time I chose to and asked God to call it quits, HE has asked me in very real ways to stay the course in much the same way that Dr Harley has. I see now what everyone here meant when they spoke of his insight. With that said, God has been speaking different things to me now. knowing that "the spirit of prophecy is subject to the prophet" I don't know that I fully understand what God is telling me, but it IS different now and I believe he is either Telling me to let go or letting me know that it's okay to let go. This is why I have been Vacillating between the choice to Plan A or Plan B. I am trusting God to give me the strength regardless of whichever plan I choose. The other thought is that He is telling me it's okay to let go completely... as in forever. That, in itself, may be more than I can bear.