That's a powerful decision, butterfly, and is something you and your husband will have to decide.

You may have a struggle to get custody of this child. And in the process of doing that, you may find that OW will be awarded custody, with your husband being required to pay child support.

My advice to you would be to let it go. Remember, you are dealing in a crap-shoot. This baby may well be the boyfriend's child.

Rebuild your marriage. If God wants either of you in that child's life, He will make that known.

Not unless you allow your husband to move in with her. Are you prepared to do that? Your H will be a parttime father at best and he cannot make the OW "stable." But the OW can make YOUR LIFE a holy living hell and she will do this.

You will also make it much less likely that the child's life will be "stable" with your H hanging around. Not only will you wreck your marriage, but his presence will make it much less likely a good man marries her and fathers this child. Your H's presence will make it much less likely that the child is raised in a stable family.

See, the only way your own marriage will make it is if your H NEVER has contact with the OW again. Do you understand this? Your marriage is doomed unless all contact ends. Recovery is impossible if he has any contact with her. By staying in touch with the child, you keep the OW in your lives forever and will be dealing with an on again, off again affair for years.


There is nothing "Christian" about foolishly wrecking your marriage and harming this child's chance at a stable family. You are not using good sense at all. Your approach is NOT out of the Bible and will wreck your marriage AND the OW's potential to find a suitable husband to father her child. The Bible says: Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11

You have silly, romantic notions about such situations and are headed for a train wreck that will ruin your marriage and that child's life, Madam. You have no idea what you are doing. I hope you wake up before it is too late. Once you start on this track there is no turning back.


I see that you are shopping for opinions you LIKE and are only here seeking validation. I am sorry to see this, because your closed mind is about to wreck your life. A pastor does not know how to save a marriage, btw. The advice we are giving you here is to protect the marriage and your own [future] children. You can't do that on your current path.

No, they will not have to have contact. And Christ would tell you not to associate with darkness. He would also tell you not to wreck your marriage. But that is your choice entirely. We can only tell you what works and what doesn't work. If you are too stubborn to take the advice, you will be the one who pays the price.

You are a very dangerous loose cannon, and I can only hope that someone with some sense persuades you to wake up. What you have said above is profoundly disrespectful to your husband and to the OW. Despite the fact that she is a wh*re, she still has a right to have a child. And she has a right to keep you out of her life.

You are a loose cannon, Madam.

I'm pretty sure this was meant to say "would definitely NOT be brought up in a "stable" environment..."

The success stories are the ones where the child does not know the father. The marriage of the father becomes stable and happy and the family of the OC turns out much better without the bio father hanging around. The ones that don't follow this advice are nightmares because the constant presence, even in the background, of the affair partner, causes perpetual damage to the marriage and often leads to repeat affairs. The women who get pregnant by married men are often very unstable and take great delight in competing with the wife for the OM. That is your future. And it will not make the child's life "stable." His mother wll be calling the shots, not your husband. And not YOU. In fact, the OW might make it a condition that you never be allowed around the child. She can do that, you know...

Oh dear Lord, I can only pray that her husband has some sense.

Butterfly,

If you looking for a different prospective please consider this.

I am a an affair child, my father was married with 3 children when he had an affair with my mother, he was there at my birth then his wife had a nervous brakedown as a result of my birth and he disappeared, I have had a handful of contacts with him, none of them pleasant and I don't consider him a father yet I am ok, my mother wasn't the best parent and carried on being selfish and wayward throughout her life so when I hit adulthood I cut her out of my life and I am doing ok.

I rather have no father than have a man who has no morals and cheats on his wife in my life.

I didn't suffer, I didn't go off the rails, I am happily married andrecovered after my husbands affair and I am settled. I have never met my 3 half sisters and respect the fact that my fathers first wife finds my exsistance painful so I didn't make contact with my sisters.

The child will be ok if not better without contact with your Husband. If you have serious concerns abut the child's well wing then the right thing to do is to bring it to the attention of the right authorities. You don't have to say your husband is the father any concerned citizen can report child neglect.

I really hope you will listen to the advice you have been given here and the advice of some of your friends and family who you admit agree with this approach.

I implore you to follow the advice you are giving here. I know it sounds crazy but it works because it is right.

I'm sorry you feel as if I am the lose cannon- to the contrary, I am the only responsible adult in the entire situation. I am the one who was betrayed and have to deal with it. I am not the one who was sleeping around with married men, nor was I cheating on my husband, so please explain how I am being disrespectful to two individuals who had no regard for anyone but themselves? The truth hurts- people who have affairs and the mistresses who seek married men are the ones to blame- not the wives and or families. I cannot believe you have the audacity to say I am disrespectful. Wow! Not sure of your situation, but what you've said is mind blowing. I am the one who was disrespected after what those two irresponsible "adults" did.....

Telling your husband he should "step up and take care of his child" and saying it is unfair to have a wh*re as a mother is profoundly disrespectful.

How does your husband feel about you telling him he HAS to do what you dictate? Does he like being bullied by you?

And I don't FEEL like you are a loose cannon, I know you are a loose cannon. You have no earthly idea what you are dealing with and as such, are making mistakes based on poor judgement.

Like I said earlier, you are not here to get help but here to get validation for very, very bad ideas on poor judgment and a lack of experience.

He doesn't have to do anything. You're right! However, you wanna talk about being a man? A real man doesn't cheat on their wife & a real man takes care of their kids! I have experience seeing as it happened to ME! My mother had an affair when I was a teenager and left my father for another man and I will call it like I see it. She acted as a whore just as my husband and his whore acted. One definition of a whore defined in Merriam-Webster dictionary is: a promiscuous or immoral woman. So, you're telling me what they did isn't disrespectful and is justified and I am just the big ole bully for "demanding" my husband to take responsibility for his actions? Give me a break! You'd be the first to call me a bully and say I am being demanding when I didn't even do anything wrong. You're right- let's let the whores live in peace & let them do what they want.

Is your husband more in control of his emotions than you? Can you send him here?

Guess I am in disbelief seeing as I have never in my life encountered someone who says that the wife has done all these things wrong and to take up for the cheating husband and mistress. It's very interesting to say the least!

Can I send him to this website? Yes, he was interested in seeing these responses and I let him see and he too was in disbelief! 99% of the persons who have given advice were saying to deal with it head on- not run away.

You can just reject the advice and move on. It is your right to reject it. I wish you the best.

Melodylane- what is your story then since you claim to have so much experience? I am curious...

I sell soft drinks for a living. My only experience is screwing marriages up.

Butterfly:

I don't think that any of them are condoning what he did. I also don't think that any of them are protecting her or making broad sweeping judgments. They are looking at this from a results standpoint. The result that you want is a saved marriage. If you are unable to recognize when your emotions make you say something mean or disrespectful to your husband then it will be hard to save the marriage. What you are saying is absolutely true. However, the manner in which it is being said will only do more harm to the marriage when the goal is to salvage it. People are merely pointing out that these particular quirks of how you have approached this marital conflict are not healthy if the goal is to save it. Both of you will need to hold onto some respect and dignity to stay together. In your marital exchanges keep in mind that everything should be geared to salvaging what is left to start rebuilding in recovery. The above methods are just counterproductive to that.