You are underly paranoid. People are RARELY suspicious and jealous without reason. Jealousy is an emotional reaction to a threat to marriage. You have very good reason to be extremely concerned because your wife has horrible, horrible boundaries around men. I would say she is among the worst I have seen.

AmIB,

Did your W ever say, "I love you but am not in love with you" or something equivalent?

God Bless
Gamma

She didn't used to like to spend time with me because I didn't like a lot of out doors activities and she was very outdoorsy.

I have changed that and stopped doing a lot of things that she used to find annoying and the like. She even has acknowledged this and said she enjoys my company more and more.

I am pretty sure that I am making love bank deposits. I've avoided love busters the best that I can. I might be seen as a doormat with how accommodating I've been to specifically avoid them. Things have gotten better since her last fit of slapping because I just patiently wait her out rather than say "Ok, we've avoided things for three weeks consistently. We must talk now."

We're doing more together. She didn't take much time off of work, but what was there we seemed to be like a normal family. It's just that every time I've started to get comfortable this year there has been something with this guy from work.

She'll start that "Don't get mad but..." Or confess some other white lie about things. The affair that she admits to (by saying I admit it was inappropriate) is 1 year ago. I've worked a lot on me. She's been saying for months now that she's noticed the changes, she likes them, and that she knows she needs to start making changes too.

That would last for a few days and then back to same old and working late with the guy. The India trip is for work and he went. They are all required to do at least one rotation there in order to be promoted. She knows I suspect her and him. Yet, she eats breakfast every morning with him at the hotel before going to work. She sometimes eats dinner with him which means she misses her time allotted to Skype with me and the kids. And she decided to go on this Taj Mahal trip as her vacation while in India on one of their weekends. You can see the details of that above.

She has 180'd since returning from this trip. Totally into me, intimacy, and wanting to work on things. This after not even the kids were allowed to contact her that entire weekend and the man from work went with her that I am suspicious of.

She has several times commenting on my progress. I always ask if there is anything else that I need to work on... She thinks a bit and always says not that she can see and smiles. It's an odd thing.

I've been making these changes since I found out about the affair. I was working on me, and since these changes to me were healthy and happened to also be what she had wanted they tended to benefit her as well. 6 months into the changes it was March-April tax season and she began making these comments about noticing them.

Just as I thought we were really about to begin full blown recovery and rebuilding after the brother's affair (I had accepted that maybe there is no affair with the man at work because of no evidence at this time) the strange pregnancy... the regression in her behavior, and India has hit.

That's our current state.

I asked her a few times. Especially after she would say that she just has no sexual feelings at all definitely towards me. She never said anything.

Just before she left for India she did say it...

She saw I was crushed for days. She apologized one night and said she didn't mean it. That it was horribly cruel and she was sorry. She initiated make up sex that night which was of course great.

I truly thought we were doing great and then the India trip.

OH! She had just found out she was pregnant again and shocked when she told me that she didn't feel it. I don't know if that shock is to explain it or not.

AmIB,

One thing for sure is that after the baby is born you can DNA test, there's not denying that.

The "ILBANILWY" is a classic sign of an affair btw, and pushes the probability even higher that the affair was also Physical.

God Bless
Gamma

Because they've been married for years and have three children together. With one on the way.

Oh. Dear. Do you know what that kind of sex is called?

Melody,

NFP is natural family planning. It is a combination of monitoring a woman's basal temperature, cervical firmness, and cervical mucous to determine which phase of her cycle you are in. You may have intercourse after menstruation but before the preparation for ovulation begins (phase I), abstain during the fertile period (phase II) and have intercourse in the post fertile period until menstruation (Phase III).

You chart, coitus, menstruation, temperatures, daily cervix firmness observations, and cervical mucous consistency and type.

When the three signs all predict ovulation then you consider that ovulation and when to have sex if you want kids. You wait for several days and signs to change after ovulation to determine when it is safe again.

If a woman's basal temperature remains high into phase III she is likely pregnant. If it drops she will likely menstruate.

I monitored the chart to interpret signs so that I am just as responsible for our fertility and planning as she was... it makes you very intimate with your partner.

According to the chart we should not be pregnant. However, she had an irregular cycle and such. It's not 100% but when used like we do it is 97%. She was shocked. I was shocked...

Makes me wonder if she cheated when combined with other signs. We have used this method of contraception successfully for 7 years.

Regret sex where she feels guilty for an affair and wants to compensate?

I already addressed her phone and snooping efforts above

She is about 11 to 12 weeks pregnant right now.

I have been primary care giver for most of our children since she works so much and is indisposed during Fall and Spring tax seasons. She knows I know how to get a paternity test done and will bust her with it. You see where she encouraged me to get one, but still does not admit anything.

Either it's mine or she's almost positive it is mine... She knows I'm 95% likely to go get it too after saying that. Either it was not a PA... or she is in one but just knows it is mine is my take.

Um. Mercy sex. She felt sorry for you. Some refer to that as a "Mercy F____" fill in the blank.

I was her only serious boyfriend. After marriage I knew that she'd never kissed or even held hands with a guy before me. We met freshman year in college. The whole lack of experience on both of our parts I have always known would be an issue for mid life crisis things. I've been preparing to proof us of that before this happened.

I think she does need to be told boundaries. I told her recently that I get to decide the boundaries for her and she does for me. She says she trusts me absolutely completely so she doesn't see a need to set them. I told her, I'll set me own and I can assure you they are exceedingly conservative. (My father was a womanizer... I would hate myself if I was like that and the idea of her being the only woman I've ever been with is a big part of my self outlook)

What do you suggest for boundaries? How should I go about having the discussion with her that these are the boundaries... You NEED them. They are dangerous. I told her don't trust me explicitly. I won't trust you that way. I need to set them and go about educating her on what they are and that any breach of them will be taken very hard by me and hurt me etc.

What do you suggest? I just can't believe I have to educate her on this, but I guess I do.

Didn't you just say she is not returning until June 29th? I am finding it impossible to follow your story.

The 180 I am speaking of is basically communication over Skype in the last 2 weeks from India. She is in India until June 29, 2013. We video chat on Skype while she is there and after her trip, she decided that she wanted to work on our relationship and start while she is there so once she returns we can begin building completely. She's been forthcoming, appearing sincere, and even expressing emotions and having emotionally intimate conversation. Intimacy in the regard of opening up, sharing feelings, and even talking about what went wrong and why we got distant... How we plan to move on after all of this and acknowledging that it's been a year since our major problems from the affair began. I apologize for being so scatterbrained. My prose is following my mental state of skittering and jumping thoughts.


Pregnancy discovered etc all pre India. MOST of my first post pre-India.

While in India, the Taj Mahal trip and things occurred, the paternity test encouragement occurred, and this 180 in demeanor from being standoff-ish and cold mostly has occurred since she came back from the Taj trip. She comes back 1 week from tomorrow.

AHH! I see now. I keep using trip.

She is in India right now on business for 28 days. The group there in India took a trip over a weekend to see the Taj Mahal. She went with this dude. That is the trip she came back from and 180'd. She is still India, but has returned from a trip to the Taj Mahal where she didn't want us to call her and talk to her on because supposedly they traveled by van/bus a lot and people needed t sleep (time difference)

Well, it is not a lack of experience that causes "mid life crisis" or poor boundaries. It is a lack of boundaries and a lack of care for the marriage. The crisis here is not her mid life, but that she has terribly poor boundaries around men and is very likely in an affair.


Agree.


Well, you should certainly have this discussion with her, but I would save it for when you are discussing recovery of your marriage. You have some major hurdles to cross before you reach that point.

The first big issue is getting the truth about her affairs. This is pretty much a non starter until that happens. Your recovery is contingent on getting the full truth. You will get the truth one way or the other, even if it takes 30 years. You can deal with this every day for 30 years or you can deal with it when she gets home and get it out of the way. If you don't get the truth, your marriage will not make it too long - if you are lucky. If you are not lucky, you will live a death of a thousand cuts where you think about it every day for the next 30 years. Your resentment and hatred will grow every day. You will never achieve a romantic, intimate marriage that way with all these lies standing between you.

So your first order of business has to be to get the truth. THEN you can work on establishing boundaries that should have her eliminating all opposite sex friendships and one on one lunches/trips with male coworkers.

Thanks for clarifying!!

Marriage Builders recommends NO opposite sex friendships and very stringent rules about the workplace. For example, she should not be having lunch, or any other meals, and ESPECIALLY business trips with her coworker. That is how affairs begin.

She agreed lunches and things were off limits period earlier this week. We talked about that and started to do exactly what you are saying. She's been open and willingly discusses my brother's affair. She still denies anything with this other worker. It si so hard to believe her, but extensive snooping shows no evidence.

She has no excuse to travel or spend time like that at work with her coworker after this trip. All her promotion boxes are checked and she's agreed no lunches or other contact. She knows I mean business.

She knows her parents know we are having problems, that she had an EA and I suspect another affair now. Her mother mentioned that I would get the kids and she's glad if we split. That really hurt her. She still maintains that the dinner was stupid, but there is nothing going on.

I'd lean towards she might have emotional feelings for him, but has not expressed them. I just don't know and she might have really learned her lesson before. Snooping has brought up nada.