AmIB,

You wrote, this 180 in demeanor from being standoff-ish and cold mostly has occurred since she came back from the Taj trip

I would suggest one of a number of things may have happened, she gave in to OM and was then dumped or panicked, OM dumped your W without going physical, OM was ordered by his W to say away from yours, etc.

It would have been hard to believe something didn't happen at the greatest monument to a man's love for a woman in the world.

Have you spoke with OMW?

God Bless
Gamma

That is a great first step. I suspect an enormous amount of guilt is driving this newfound desire to make a radical change. She is in a terrible position and probably believes you will leave her when you find out about her affair. So her strategy is very probably to keep it very quiet and hope you never find out. She can cast off suspicion by getting very close to you.

But if there is an affair - and I very much believe there has been - this is just a Band-Aid being placed over cancer. Unless the cancer is addressed with real treatment, the patient will die.

But you do have a chance to save your marriage if you can get the full truth out of her and get her to quit her job. The way you do this is to surprise her with a polygraph when she gets back. Set up an appointment and a couple of days before the test tell her you have a lot of questions about her faithfulness that you need answered truthfully in order to go forward. If you are not satisfied that you have the full truth you can't ever trust her and can't ever have any peace. Tell her you will forgive an affair, but you can't forgive lies. I would also insist on a DNA test for the baby.

Tell her this is her chance to prove her truthfulness and put all this behind you. If she passes you will never bring this up again. She should jump at this chance since it will exonerate her. And it will REASSURE you, which she certainly would want.

At that point tell her of the appointment and hand her a list of all your questions. Ask her if she is having an affair with her coworker. Ask everything about that relationship. Ask all about the affair with your brother. Get all your questions out on this paper. Give it to her and tell you need this back the day before the test. Tell her you will give her this chance to come clean, but that she is fully expected to pass the polygraph after that. And she won't know which questions will be on the polygraph.

Expect her to test YOU to see if you are really serious.

At first she will probably say "sure, whatever you need!" Hoping that her willingness will get you to back off. When she sees that won't work, she is going to get ugly. She will say "why should we be married if you don't trust me!! If you don't trust me, I will just file for divorce!!" She will rant and rave and use all manner of bully tactics to get you to back down.

When that doesn't work - and it had better not work - she will go into confession mode. She will throw a few crumbs out there: "the OM did kiss me once at work but I told him I loved my husband, blah, blah, blah,.." That will be the first crumb. The idea is to throw you a minimized version of "truth" so you will cancel the test. DON'T FALL FOR THIS RUSE. Just stick to your guns and you will be amazed. She will still be singing on the drive to the test. By the time you get there, she will likely have spilled the entire truth and will pass the test. Waywards HATE flunking the test.

THAT is your best bet for starting off on a new foot. Once you get the truth, we will help you step by step with the next steps to put your marriage back together. And by put together, we mean a romantic, healthy, PASSIONATE marriage.

I have not. But my I did give my wife a huge signal right before she left for the Taj while they were all in India. I told her that I believe I have found potential OM's wife's facebook on the internet. She knew what that meant. I even sent her the link to it and mentioned that I know the address, employer, and everything else. I've met his wife personally at company picnics. I know all of their bosses and some of them are members of the bar too.

I didn't know if I was going over the line or tipping my hand too far. She knows full well that I can crush both of their careers and his marriage. She likely suspects I'm prepared to do it. I'm mostly a mild mannered guy, but when I get into protective instincts mode I'm insanely aggressive. Maybe she told him and it got broken off. They all know my background and my profession.

I just never got any proof so I've been locked and loaded for a long time. I came to MB after the first emotional affair. I've been utilizing the concepts to try and get us into full blown recovery. We haven't gotten there yet I don't think, but there were promising signs. This trip is just the first time I haven't been able to snoop and severely monitor them... So yes... I threatened her that I was prepared to ruin it all.

Then after the trip, this change started happening.

She already always says that she can see why I don't trust her, but wishes I would. She already brought up and said I should get a paternity test. That surprised me. I could see about the polygraph as well. She has not been the best liar in the past. Even as a child she got caught. I tend to catch her through signs of deception and other things too. This will put a final cap on it though.

If I were you, I would quietly start a file with the OM's and OMW's facebook contacts. Copy and paste their contacts into a word doc for safekeeping. Go through the list and ID their parents and close family members.

I already ID'd that. I even found their wedding registry from last year. I know who attended and how close they were to them based on the expensiveness of the listed gift. I know most of the OM's classmates cause we went to the same undergrad. The list of potentials to expose this to is 83 right now.

Additionally, he is her supervisor and she a subordinate. He will want to work in a big accounting firm for a long time. He's on the workaholic become a partner track. After exposing to his own HR and managers...

I'm prepared to send all the details to every major firm, all regionals here, and the bigger mid firms. Unless he works at H and R block or a small firm he will never ever be able to get a job working in a firm like that again. They are afraid of lawsuits. Since I am an attorney his work will freak out about that possibility when they are notified and I veil that threat.

I just need evidence so it isn't a slander lawsuit for me.

Your wife will respect you for caring enough to find out the truth. And once you have all the truth, you can then decide your own options. But you can't really do that unless you have all the facts.

I predict you will get the full truth this way. And before you present her with the polygraph test, I would get spyware on her phone and a GPS on her car. When you hit her with this, I predict there will be some excited communications.

Her confession will be evidence.

OMG, you have him by the short and curlies!!

Indeed it will.

You know what is soooo very interesting about that? I have been here on this board for 12 years, and I have heard that threat HUNDREDS of times. HUNDREDS OF TIMES. And you know what is so strange about that? NOT ONE EVER FOLLOWED THROUGH!! I guess they don't want to be in a court of law discussing evidence about their affair on the record.

Be still my heart!! A strategic man!! The ones who have the ability to put aside their emotions and follow a plan usually make it. Strategy rules in affairs because you are at war with a fantasy affair that is based on pure emotion.

Yeah... poor thing. He's only one promotion away from partner too and just got married in 2011. It's gonna be rough if he's with my wife and I discover it.

Ruining his current job is one thing. I plan to ruin his ENTIRE chance in that INDUSTRY. There's a little more damage and things at stake there. Embarrassed or not, I'd have to do something there or I'd lose my livelihood forever.

I get very emotional, but it places me on a focus. I have a tendency to take strategic actions too far. I have a killer instinct. It takes a lot to get me to act, but once I do it is all out take no prisoners and I don't even care if I'm not the last one standing.

My temper is like that too. I can take a whole whole whole lot, but when it finally blows It's bad

Strategy is your friend in these situations.

I plan to follow one. I just hope I know when to step off the jugular. Killing the affair is one thing... making her legitimately afraid of me because of the lengths I'm willing to go to is another. It's a fine line I suppose.

I've already arranged the chess pieces on our side. Her father is telling his other daughter that he thinks she has emotionally strayed and hates what she is doing to me and that she can't come running to him.


Same other daughter told me that her mother was commenting on how the kids should be with me and she knows I'm the best for them. She supports my wife to the letter to my face, but other daughter has a big mouth and tends to tell me things because they STAY with me.

I don't like that they are picturing us as divorced... I don't know what to make of these things. I know all 3 have said they plan to talk to her on her return.

AML,

Just a few thoughts I have based on reading your thread. First of all, I think your plan of action for possible exposure for an A is great. I would however not share with your WW anymore about the OM's wife and FB page etc... Long story short...don't expose your plan to your wife so she can't step in and possibly ruin it.


Another couple of thoughts, the fact that she is only 95% sure that this baby is yours and is suggesting that you get a paternity tests, gives me 100% proof that she has had an affair if multiple affairs. The big question is with who?

You stated in one part of the thread that she had an EA with your brother and you discovered another Affair. Did she actually admit to this other affair or did you just put enough pieces together to figure it out? Have you exposed your wifes EA with your brother?

The bad news is that your wife has NO boundaries when it comes to other men. She puts herself and your marriage in jeopardy each time she works with, goes out with, and goes on trips with these men. This has to STOP! It seems like your wife is starting to realize this but right now she is just speaking the words. Until the actions are applied, I would not trust her.

I was your wife. I thought friendships with co-workers were safe, going out without my H was okay, being friendly with males was just my way of being nice. Guess what, I had two affairs each with co-workers before I finally figured it out.

It is sad that you need to explain boundaries and how important they are in you marriage. That however is not going to be the hard part. The hard part is going to be to get your wife to see, understand, and follow these boundaries. And to show her that if she does not, you will not stand by and continue a marriage with her.

I am not sure if you have come across EP (extraordinary precautions) on this site yet but as you and your wife recover, this is a list that you guys need to make out together and she needs to stick to every single EP on that list.

I think it is awesome that you have a plan, that you are willing to recover your marriage even though you are aware of your wives infidelities. I do agree however that she needs to come completely clean about everything. If she does not, you both will be trying to heal a wound that still has a knife stuck in it.


When she returns from India, make it clear that this will be her last trip away from you and the kids, EVER! Introduce her to MB. Order the book SAA and read it together. Make her take a poly. Explain how important it is to be honest about everything. Still keep a very close eye on her. Follow the advice given to you on this thread and keep coming back for advice.

I need to be clear here. She is adamant that the child is mine 100%. That there was never anyone else, but she says she understands why I would question it. Our chart showed she shouldn't be pregnant and we weren't intimate that much. She has never maintained that there was anything less than a 100% change I'm the dad. It is just that a lot of signs make me doubt and others think I'm not just paranoid.

I discovered her affair with my brother. I have never discovered for sure any others. She admits to this. She is adamant that there is nothing going on wit this POM at her work. She even admits that dinner with him was going over a boundary with the marriage. She seems to think there is a culture at her work that supervisors take folks to dinner and things for a reward. I've gotten her to see that doing this outside of business hours is a little crazy. We're discussing boundaries and she is being responsive.

I won't reveal to her anymore about the exposure possibility. She is absolutely na�ve like you used to be. Nothing will ever happen etc. She is even starting to point out that we've had problems like this before where we pulled apart for a few years and came back together closer than ever for years and went back. She knows that I refuse to accept us letting that happen ever again because it is too dangerous. She is very na�ve. She truly thinks that she can picture no way in the world in which I cheat. That equates to an ability to have unfettered trust. Even when I tell her, "Don't trust me completely like that. I'm a man. We're primates and we share a lot of genes with Bonobos. Look em up, it is pure willpower over biology. Don't tempt it."

She does truly see the pain and danger that came from my brother. I just need to find out for sure if anything is going on with the coworker. Then separate them if they are in an affair. After which rebuild the marriage after her withdrawal if she is ready. If she is not having an A, it is a strong possibility but there is no evidence so there is a chance though slim, then get us proofed and make sure she works on complete honesty and boundaries as the first thing.

She is completely na�ve and that's how she got into this mess. She now at least admits that my brother was meeting emotional needs of hers. She also says that I've identified those and one of the big reasons she's started to come out of it is because I started doing that and did it long enough for her to feel it isn't fake.

I just need to make sure that all affairs are over so that no recovery is fake.

-I- am 95% sure through my willful wanting to believe self that the baby is mine, but have the doubts because of all this. She maintains that it is 100% mine, but understands why I'd have doubts and encourages a test. She knows encouraging a test will make me get one. She could be cheating and just know or believe she knows that is mine and will disarm me. Get close to me and try to bury things. I just can't let that happen. I must discover the truth and go from there.

That affair has been exposed to my family and hers. Some of them still fail to believe it, but even when they say I just don't think she'd do that it is half hearted. Her family has noticed the changes too. Some of them acknowledge it. Some are in denial, but the way they deny it says they know, but just don't want to voice it.

She has never denied it was an affair to them, but they aren't planning on talking to her about things until she comes back. Another na�ve case of this isn't true and if it was it'll never happen again. The fact that it may be and affair or not her career and life choices are killing her kids and me is really being seen and observed by them. This is evident from her own mother telling her sister that she knows I'll get the kids in a divorce and is glad. I'm not dissuading them or her that I'd not get a divorce. That stick and threat needs to be there. I just don't see anything to make me do it at this point. If it is true, I know I can Plan A for a very very long time. I've been dealing with this already for a year and I don't feel like I've begun to approach the end of my stamina.

I just can't become a push over or start bluffing. That's the worst possible thing. I will not forgive lies. My last profession had a culture of secrecy and lies. It made me sick. I don't want that life. It does bad things to me and makes me crazy paranoid. I only want healthy suspicion and monitoring.