I see a light, here! Good job! Keep us posted.

Thanks to all of you, and I'm sorry for being so petulant. Life is a little confusing at the moment, so it's easy for me to be defensive(another issue I REALLY need to work on, btw).

I am actually home now(she is still out with her friends until tomorrow). I'm not sure how she's going to take it. I brought my cat home(she was really not doing well being away from home and her sister, lots of crying and hiding). I brought stuff to stay the night, and will talk to her and convince her that me being here is the only real way to work on the marriage. It won't be easy, she is quite stubborn, but you guys are totally right, you can't work on these things apart. But, I am not taking no for an answer. She can't tell me that I can't live in my own house.

For starters, a good chunk of the things I am improving about myself deal with my daily interactions with her, and our routines, and life together. How would she see me making changes if I am not there for that? Space is fine, and I will create some with keeping the apartment for an office for work, and I do want to tell her that we do need to start having more time with our friends, etc, instead of doing everything together all of the time.

I know I can't force her to act any way at all, or react any way at all, I will stress to her that I am only asking her to try the RIGHT way, and that we both need to be patient. Things took years to get this way, it won't take years to fix, but it won't be overnight either.

That is excellent, John!! Good job. I hope it goes well. Where is she this weekend?

And I want to caution you about working apart and having time with your friends. That is good to be with your friends, but only if it doesn't take away from your marriage and you are together when you visit these friends. For example, there is nothing wrong with going with friends sometimes *IF* you have already spent 20+ hours per week out together with each other. [no friends or family along] The MOST important thing is spending time together.

When you fall back in love, you will be stingy about spending time with your friends. My DH and I find that we don't like sharing our alone with others that much. We are very stingy with our couple time.

And hopefully when you say "friends," you mean COUPLES, right? It is very important that your leisure time be spent together.

Working together all day is good for your marriage unless you are lovebusting each other. In that case, you would advised to stop that and work on being as pleasant and enjoyable as possible. The healthiest, most romantic marriages often work together. If you listen to Dr Harley and his wife on the radio, they are together all the time.

Guys - bad news. Seems you were closer to the truth with your suspicions. She lied about the weekend plans, and spent it with another man, one that we had met at a marina a couple of weeks ago.

Could a mod please delete this thread, I will start a new one, I need to "vague" this up a bit to protect myself.

Why not change your screen name to a more discreet name [you can do this via your preferences] and have the thread moved to Surviving an Affair? Hit mod notify and ask them to move it to SAA.

It would be very decent of you to apologise to all the people who posted to help you, for writing the above. It was rude and ungracious.

John,

Y'all sound like a damn cult.

Either that or an agency to sell PI services. Love deposits? Are you trying to sell dvd's and PI services?

We hardly are trying to dominate your life or make you into an unthinking drone, that is an unfair statement.

I think most people suggested a PI based on your statements about your financial status, with the understanding that a PI is much cheaper than divorce, and that the PI will help you end the emotional stain that not knowing has introduced into your life.

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma - did you see his psot above saying that he has discovered an affair?

That is the reason I suggested he apologise.

So John,

You have done #1 above. Good. Now time to execute the next steps. Good luck.

Yeah, this was the dead giveaway of her having an affair... Sorry, bud.

AGG

I apologized I thought up further.

Anyway, I am terribly sorry for all of that. It's all been very confusing and mortally painful to me. Somehow now I feel much stronger, and I honestly and thinking that she does not deserve me. She certainly is nothing close to the sweet, thoughtful, caring woman I married. She is more lost than I am.

I don't think there is any saving the marriage at this point. She is not behaving like a normal, rational person. She is covering her massive guilt with excuses, that is quite obvious.

There is a strong likelihood that you can save your marriage if you follow this plan. If you decide you don't want to save it, that is fine too. But this is certainly not hopeless. Yes, she is lost, but she can come back.

That is how every person in an affair behaves. Dr. Harley calls it "the fog." It's just about the same as a heroin addiction.

There have been many posters on this site in successful recovered marriages who used to be in exactly that same fog!

You are right. She really does not deserve you. What she has done to you is the most painful thing any human being could do to another.

The question is, going forward, what do YOU deserve? What do YOU want? If she can be persuaded to follow the plan here, the two of you can have a recovered marriage that would bring you great happiness. If you have any children, this would probably be the best possible outcome for them as well.

The decision is yours.

I posted:


And you posted:


You really watched all of those videos?

If not, I strongly recommend you watch at least the first one, so you can gain some understanding about what is happening:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1001_infidelity0.html

Eric,
I'm sorry you got the news, but at least you now know the truth. She is having an affair, and that is why things changed so suddenly a couple of weeks ago.

As long as the affair is alive, you will have no chance at recover, so your #1 focus is on ending the affair. Start with exposure. Read ML's tag link for info on how to do this.

She is DEEP in the fog right now. Getting her out will be hard, and will take a lot of time. It usually doesn't happen over night. That is why exposure is so important. Dr. Harley says that it is the single most important step that a betrayed spouse can take to save his or her marriage.

Once the affair is exposed to 1) your family, 2) your wife's family and friends, and 3) the POSOM's family and friends, you can begin the rest of plan a.

Regarding whether or not she is worth it, I remember you writing this:

"We were always like "two peas in a pod", loved doing things together, from walking, biking, going on romantic trips to Mexico or Niagra, Vegas, Atlantic City, you name it. We always had a blast, and it seemed to me, and everyone else that we were very much in love, and a "poster couple". We saw eye to eye on most everything, from politics to staying fit, and what we wanted our life to be. We were cutesy with each other, even sang goofy little songs to each other, even up till now. We had wonderful traditions that we'd do for Christmas, and other special occasions. In short, it seemed like we were in a wonderful state of bliss, and never once had I thought our marriage would EVER end."

Just know that you can get that back, and have an even better marriage, if you follow the plan. There are no guarantees, but for many of us it has happened. Somewhere under all that fog, the wife who used to love you is there.

When I discovered my FWW's affair, I felt as you do right now. But now that we have recovered, I am very, very grateful that we have saved it. Had I followed my emotions, and not a plan, I would be divorced right now, and my wife, two daughters, and I would be miserable. I owe this program so much. I hope you carry the same debt one day.

Good luck.

So, Eric, now you know. (You don't have to give me my nickel. )
What do you want to do?

She really freaked out when she found out I was spending the night and not going back. For the first time showing emotions, crying, etc. She sounded like a petulant little girl who didn't get her way, which is precisely what she was.

She is still not admitting to any physical interaction, but she finally admitted that she wants to start dating him once she moved out. Not sure if she's telling the truth or not, because obviously admitting that would be adultery and I'd have her over a log in the divorce if I chose to.

I do still love her, but quite honestly, I huge weight is off of my chest. I don't see her the same at all now though. She's a stranger, and I'm not sure that I would want her back. Probably just still raw from the pain, but strangely, I am calm, relaxed, not worrying about it at all. She is insistent on moving out(she's going to move into the apartment I rented, lol). Mostly because she can't wait to get to it I guess. The funny thing is, the guy is a total douche, and somewhat of an idiot to boot. And yes, I exposed it to everyone, which really made her mad, but hey, too freaking bad, eh? I also told the guy that he should stay out of the situation between my wife and I, and he went off on this tirade with threats of violence. Naturally I saved the exchange and showed it to my wife to show her just how great this guy was.

At this point, I've seen a lawyer, and talked about my rights, etc, and basically we are moving forward with asset division, etc with the goal of a divorce in a year. Right now I just want her out of the house and I can chill with my cats and get back to working like I need to and start planning my financial life without her, which will be rather tight at first. Trying to do it amicably. After she's out, maybe I'll look at those steps, etc, right now I just need her out of my life for a bit.

You might want to rethink that strategy, my friend. Do you want to furnish an affair lair for your wife and the OM? Really? Because that is what you will be doing if you give her the keys to your apartment.

And what did you do exactly when you exposed? Did you expose it to the OM's family? Can you find his facebook page?

To whom did you expose and what did you say?

You can very probably kill this affair and save your marriage. Are you interested?

Yes, I am sure they spent the weekend reading scripture together. I assure you they have slept together and her affair did not start after you left. It is the REASON she wanted you out.

And I want to applaud you for not caving when she flipped out when she understood you weren't leaving! That is when many men crumble and cave!