Thank you for clearing things up for me. I, Like Mel was a bit confused by some of your posts. I will reread but I thought I read in one of them that she had an actually A either pre or post her EA with your brother.

If you want to recover your marriage and open up your wife's eyes to the reality of opposite sex relationships, you have landed in the perfect spot.

In addition, MB is the best place to learn the steps to have a loving and safe marriage. Being na�ve is NOT an excuse for having affairs, so do not allow yourself to justify your wife's actions because she is na�ve.

I wish you the best and encourage you to read as much as you can on this site.

I tend to ramble and my mind wanders and skips even as I speak. Since I don't thoroughly proofread these things, I readily admit that the sometimes spastic information overload/dump of what I say can be disorganized and confusing. She has only to my confirmed knowledge had an EA with my brother. I've suspected an affair with a coworker. Extensive snooping has brought up no evidence.

This is complicated by the normal recovery from the discovery of the EA. I didn't immediately go into anything like plan A. The penal system and him falling off the wagon and going out of state established NC for us. He tended to spend loads of time in administrative segregation or worse so he didn't get or write letters. That combined with my snooping has allowed me to confirm the cessation of the EA and NC.

She went through withdrawal and I went through hell. She pulled away again to work and I then started to try to working on myself and making love bank deposits. I did not initially believe her, as I shouldn't have, that the EA didn't go PA. Through continued discussion and questions and the fact that I have independently interviewed them both on the subject to corroborate details and other things I've come to accept her deal that this was an EA that did not go PA.

The work colleague makes me wonder if he was just the next guy. She maintains otherwise. I have worked on myself and eliminating LBs and other things. It was showing no progress with us for a good six months. She would have red flag behavior during these times. I would snoop snoop snoop but have no evidence. She is now pregnant and has begun to respond to my efforts. I'm at the crossroads where I need to verify if an A is going on with new guy or not and then get us into a plan of recovery.

Other posters agree with me that this sounds like an A. I just can't believe I've had no evidence through my efforts. A polygraph may be the only way. The exposure of her EA did not occur until I snapped out of things. Her family is just now coming to terms with it. She was always the "good one" for her parents. She was the favorite. they'd say "My [daughter] is just not that type. She'd never do anything like that. She doesn't lie." They've recently uncovered lies she told them during the EA and are eyes open. Her familial fallout from the initial affair is just about to hit her when she returns combined with all of our suspicions about this other guy. Her family is where I was after the first 3 months after the EA.

"Will they divorce? What will it look like? I hope they will work it out." These things are what they are talking about now. Even down to who they hope gets the kids. (Shockingly, her mother wants me to get them if we D) I'm beyond this stage and am trying to get a grip on everything. I just must confirm all As are ended since she completely states she wants complete reconciliation and recovery. She is prepared to work.

I don't want to be a chump and ignore my instincts. I don't want a false recovery. I am not just freakishly paranoid here. We've had more boundaries discussions. I need confirmation there is no Affair so the recovery can be true. If there is one, I need knowledge of it, to bust it up, and then discover if this is my child.

Do you think her parents know more than they are telling you? I have that sense in reading your posts.

I think that her mother knows more. Her father doesn't. I've got good instincts about that. Her denials are often half hearted. A few times, she's questioned me and offered an illogical justification or deflection. I've called her on it. Sometimes she'll respond with: "I'm not going to get involved. You guys have to work this out. You'll pull through" Other times she says: "She's not here for me to talk to her about it." (I hadn't asked her to talk to her about it. I just established the sense of urgency and felt em out.

Her sister wants to absolutely talk to her. Her father has gone back and forth from thinking she's full blown cheating but we can get through this to his last quote I heard through her sister as: "I think [daughter] is beginning to emotionally stray but hasn't gone far yet. I hope she wakes up."


Father doesn't know about the paternity test comments. Those comments were the most heated discussion with mother-in-law. They were also where m-I-l would say something firm on its face, but the tone was hurt or scared.

whoooooooooooo boy. The mother does know more. If you find out that an actual affair took place and she KNEW, you are going to have a hard time with that. Your MIL has made a mistake and has not served her daughter or YOU well.

I wager the affair with your brother is much more involved than you know. I am not surprised that their stories gelled, that is very typical that cheaters get their stories straight.

Are your parents living?

My father is a womanizer drug addict felon who can barely take care of himself and has no moral balance. My mother is broken permanently from those experiences. She refuses to talk about my brother or address anything other than pleasantries about anything ever so I can't choose to be around her.

If I found out she knew an affair took place and didn't tell me then when I inform wife's rather large family(m-I-l has 10 brothers and sisters with associated cousins), that fact goes into the exposure mailing. Her mother was always accusing her father of things, but in their own marriage I've heard about and witnessed several encounters where she'd pack up and go to her mothers to try and force her husband and family to do what she wants.

Recently also found out F-I-L suspects but never confirmed a work place affair between m-I-l and a coworker that occurred around the time my wife and I got married.


My family is pretty much not in this picture. Most of them are not healthy for me or my children.

THIS does not surprise me one bit. Parents with cheating in their past tend to help their children cover up affairs. They become accessories to the crime. On the other hand, we have parents who will step in do everything to kill an affair, including making certain the betrayed spouse has ALL of the facts. A caring parent would never help her child cover up an affair.

Interestingly enough, m-I-l is also the person who put father in law up to ambush me on father's day. It was under the guise of we need time out and I need a break from kids. F-I-l revealed concerns about me and the marriage. I then relayed all suspicions about work guy. This is also about 2 weeks after the know she is pregnant.

M-I-l never did like me for a while. I was too poor to be worthy of her daughter mostly. She started to warm to me in the last two years. Wonder if that would coincide with her own guilt and pity for me being cheated on...

I may never know.

It sounds to me like everybody knows EXCEPT YOU.

I personally think that she wants to ignore things and maintain her image that my wife is the good one. She's perfect. Everything with my wife must be a fairy tale. My wife's other two siblings ended up criminals and low lives. My wife is the last chance for her to think she was a good parent in her own mind.

Mel,

You have reminded me of a few times my wife and I talked about our marriage and her parents marriage. I always told her that I love them to death, but I don't want their marriage.

They live almost separate lives. They are not affectionate and she's told me her mom has told her that she's displeased with f-I-l because they haven't had sex in years. They haven't been intimate since around her menopause and he was diagnosed with low T.

She didn't seem to think anything was wrong with their marriage. I just said I want better. Maybe she knew about mom's side action and decided to be like mom with mom's encouragement. I don't want to think like that, but I'm paranoid about everyone right now.

Could be. I was a horrible husband after I got back from the war. We are just now starting to recover. Maybe it was open for everyone and they just let it happen cause I sucked. I'm back now.

It's gonna end.

What do you guys think about a voice polygraph? I'm considering this since it can be done over the phone. It takes about 20 minutes and doesn't involve dragging them to a facility.

I am not familiar with this. I honestly think it would be better to do it in person because getting strapped into electrodes and facing the tester adds a serious degree of gravity to the ordeal. Who wants to look a former FBI agent or detective in the face and LIE? I sure wouldn't! I would crumble. I would also think it would be easier to trick a voice polygraph because it would be easier to mask drugs. We have had waywards try to pass a polygraph by taking drugs before the test.

The reason I am leaning towards Vocal polygraph is that a traditional polygraph is not normally able to be done on a pregnant woman. Most of the places I have contacted flat out refuse. The hormonal issues and fetal heart rate etc mess with the test. I don't think this is the case for the vocal one. If Vocal is not good enough... I don't get to know till January about truth for sure unless I catch her.

Good job friend, on remaining strategic through this all. Too bad she's on that trip with OM. I'm sure there would be all the evidence you need.

When's the last time you talked to her? Recently?

ahhhhhhhhh, I did not know this!! Then I agree with your reasoning to get a vocal polygraph.

Last talked to her this morning from 7 to 10 am our time. I'll be talking to her again around 9:00p.m. our time. She told me that she canceled her attendance at one of the events where US people go to eat a dinner. She found out it was mostly cocktails and other kinds of socializing. She knew I wouldn't be comfortable with that.

We talked more and things about boundaries. She still maintains that there is no affair even after I told her I can forgive infidelity but a cover-up is different. She knows how hard it was for me to adjust to civilian life and not constantly doubt everyone for everything.

Her mother is coming to visit me and the children today. She's been here every weekend now that wife has been gone. She had father in law ambush me last weekend. Not sure what I'll do here. M-I-l stays with us over the weekend probably 50-75% of all weekends. She comes to visit.

That is gaslighting. Anybody would be suspicious under these circumstances. Your compass is not the one that is faulty.

A couple more questions:

1, Why was your brother living with you guys in the first place?

2. Were you ever gone (as in overseas or away on duty) when your brother was living with you guys?

3. Was there ever any time or opportunity when your brother and wife could have engaged in a PA?