Ask your husband to call the OMW TODAY and give her the full facts about the affair. Hand him your phone and tell him you are closing down all avenues to the OM and sending him a nc letter TODAY.

LOL, yeah, that will never happen. My husband is a recovering Mr. Nice Guy. He doesn't like to rock the boat with friends and his friends are very important to him. He would probably ask me to leave before he would do that.

Why can't we just move ahead with the plans stated at the beginning of this thread and I will make every effort to avoid the friends. My husband can hang out with them if he likes.

"Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover."

I would go discuss this ALL with your husband tonight.

No, he can't hang out with them and you are not going to get away with sweeping your affairs under the rug.

It's your life and your decision.

MB isn't a pick and mix program, there are SPECIFIC requirements needed in order to recover a marriage and your stalling at the most basic ones.

Everyone has explained to you what needs to be done so stop playing dumb because your far from it.

Good luck, I'm out

]Oh, that would set us waaaaay back. This isn't helping at all.

And why do you think my friend doesn't know about EA issues? They have a close relationship and I'm sure he told her because I said there was to be no unnecessary contact between us. She and I are close enough that she would have said something to me.

But I haven't rug swept anything! My husband knows about everything! My pastor knows about it. My therapist knows about it.

I respect Dr. Harley's opinion, but if my husband is okay with remaining friends with these people, isn't it up to him as the BS to set the boundaries?

I am very serious about making my marriage work. And I'm not trying to be a cake eater. I did the NC for awhile, but it's awfully hard in a small town. I have continued to seek marital advice and ways to improve our communication. Isn't it better to put my mistakes behind me and work on our relationship before it's too late?

He was completely on board with this whole MB process too.

Oh, that would set us waaaaay back.

He was completely on board with this whole MB process too.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.


Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover.

The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover's spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.

There are many reasons for these recommendations, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others. Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences one spouse can inflict on the other, and it's far less likely to take place, or continue to take place, when everyone knows about it.

Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

How so? Talking together would set you waaaaay back?

Because, remember I said that it was a huge improvement for us to be able to talk to each other civilly? That was an understatement. He's not going to understand why we have to do the exposure stuff. I could possibly sell the NC. It's going to make him all stressed out or depressed again and maybe even more suspicious. He is doing so much better now days.

Also you are all making this sound so sinister. There were no clandestine meet ups. I recognized some red flags and knew it wasn't helping me or our friend to continue the way things were. Seriously, the other stuff with the second friend was a one-time night of stupidity. At that time, I was done with my marriage and I was acting like a single person, completely selfish and disrespectful to my husband. He would react with more control and anger when I would act this way and the cycle would repeat until the night of the gun incident. We have come a long way since then.

This one is spinning our wheels.

More excuses so she can avoid ending her affair. You haven't come ANY WAY at all. You are still hanging onto the OM for dear life. All day long you have come up a million excuses why you can't get rid of him.