I understand the concept of radical honesty, but how do you actually do that? I automatically change my tone/content/whatever if I can tell the person I'm talking to doesn't like what I have to say. Or I leave the room. With my husband, it is almost so subtle and automatic that I don't even know I'm doing it. It is not until I am out of the conversation that I think, "Why did I say that, that isn't exactly what I feel, or I caved in too much, etc." I can't process quickly enough. And if I can tell something I am saying isn't being well received then I get flustered. I can write it down, but when asked to clarify I can't explain myself.

My counselor has told me that I need to speak truth to him and somehow not let his reactions cause me to melt.. ( Wasn't her exact words, but somehow I have to receive his not thinking exactly like me or not liking what I have to say as NOT meaning he doesn't love me or like me.) I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not sure how to make myself not feel that way.

So how do you not let the other person's reactions change what you say?

I'm not sure other than you say how you feel. People like it less when you are dishonest than when you tell the truth. I wish you'd spend less time wiring about what people think of you.

Good show on radical honesty.

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The way you do it is to use your intelligence instead of your emotions. You seem to be crippled by your emotions and that is purely a choice on your part. You can choose to use your intelligence instead.

Another fantastic show.

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Hi Brainy,

Thanks, but are you sure this is the show you meant to link. Her husband had had an affair and it was about controlling her disrespect and anger. She needed to be his biggest fan. He did talk about being intelligent and not emotional. Ok, wait...... ok, for everyone reading the thread, the section on radical honesty is only on the 2nd half of the 4th section. So you can ignore the first 3 clips. Does radical honesty have to be painful? He talks about how to not add disrespect.. Ok, that is not my problem. My problem is that if anyone starts to disagree with anyone, I will change the subject.... If I have something hard to say like "I don't think we are spending enough time together." I will look down, have trouble looking him in the eye. I don't yell at him or say disrespectful things. And then I can see his side. I have empathy for him and why it is difficult. Or maybe it is another subject and we just feel differently about it. How do you live with disagreement?

But thanks for trying. Plus, once again this segment had to do with infidelity. Are there any that are just about "normal" marriages without an affair. I'm off to listen to the next one.

If you want to listen to a show on some of the basic concepts, this is a very good one to listen to!!! They are nicely explained.

.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=4935]Radio Clip[/url]
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Ok, so when I start to back down.. I need to do what... deep breathe, deep breath... I mean even a hint of a disagreement anywhere and my heart starts to race and I try to flee. How do I stay put? Trying to figure that out. I can be logical and am logical in lots of areas: making lists, writing things out as I think through them, but I get with people and any conflict just panics me.
Sigh, can you just come take over my body, Melody... I understand why I need to do it. I've read that conflict avoidance is the kiss of death, but I don't know how to implement it.

I think you enroll your DH in the project. You might need to write him a letter if telling him about your feelings is too hard. Say that you know that you have to work on this and ask that he be very firm with you. Tell him that you have to change this habit which for sure goes deeply back into your childhood.

Maybe have a code such as 'there is something I need to talk to you about' which alerts him to sit down and be patient with you until you are ready to talk?

Just wanted to add that your DH will be thrilled by this. It is very exhausting to be the partner of someone who has a hard time knowing how to be honest. He must always be wondering if ok really means ok.

Imagine if you had a friend that you wanted to spend time with. No matter what you suggested to do, she always agreed but of course not all things were fun for her. Half way through the shopping trip, you suddenly realise that she is hating it. Next time, you will be more anxious about whether she really likes your suggestion and so it goes on . .

You stop 'letting' it. I've noticed in your posts that you seem to refashion yourself for others' benefit to an almost crippling degree. I haven't noticed where that's helped you.

I suggest you retrain yourself in the way you approach RH. When you find that you are starting to back-track on RH with your H, stop. Say - out loud - "let me think to make sure this is how I want to say this". Take your time. RH is not a race. Ask your H to wait a minute while you collect your thoughts. Then do so.

Your goal is to create a marriage of honesty and intimacy, yes? Write this down and carry it with you. Take it out and read it while you're collecting your thoughts:

From Dr. Harley:
Read that and then be honest with your husband.

I will try this.. Also, from another book/video it talked about being "all in" in conflict. It is like a ping pong game. You have to hit it back and stay in the game in a conflict. You can't slam it back at them ( love busters) or do more what I do, just refuse to engage. Just pray. My counselor says she knows this will be hard for me and very uncomfortable. She would like for me to bring my husband with me and see one of her partners ( guy ). She thinks it would be good for us to discuss some of the hard things in front of him.. Don't know that I could get hubby to do that, though. He and middle son will be gone for another 5 days. I was all ready to try when my session ended last week, but since he isn't here, I am losing my nerve. Just pray that I can do this. It is all so interconnected. How I feel, lack of time, lack of honesty. It is hard to solve one without solving the others... Thanks everyone. Just pray for me.

I wouldn't like that if I were your husband. You shouldn't need some guy to listen to something the two of you should be doing yourselves. This, again, sounds like avoiding talking to him yourself and dodging RH.

But what if I can't do it by myself.. I need to be in a safe place where I can talk and there are no chores no kids no nothing to distract either of us. I need someone to ask me the probing questions to draw me out to help me not backtrack. I will write things out that I feel, but will backtrack when he questions me on it because I can tell it makes him upset. I need someone else there to not let me get away with it. Does that make sense? I believe that my husband is as much a conflict avoider as I am. I think he also backtracks and tries to pacify me. He wants to get things solved as quickly as possible with as minimal an effort so he can get back to his to do list. I think this is going to take time with extended conversations and I don't know how to do that.

And that is another question. I try to keep our dates light. Isn't that what you are supposed to do. Try to make them fun and enjoyable. The conversations we need to have are not going to be enjoyable for him... We have never managed to get the 15 hours a week, so I hate to ruin the dates we have with stuff like this... So when exactly am I supposed to have these conversations and

I've been this way about exposing myself since I was a little girl. My dad was explosive one minute and charming the next and I had to be careful and act the way he wanted me to at the moment. I don't know how to undo 45 years of interacting with people without some backup... But I do want to. I want to start talking but it is so incredibly scary....what if he doesn't like me? I feel like I have a giant hole and the he feels like I have a giant hole he can't fill. He isn't capable and doesn't have the time.

Here�s my take as I feel I sometimes do something similar.

Whenever I feel the need to be radically honest about something my wife does that bothers me I feel I have to have it all thought all, all understood in my head and be able to back up my feelings with a detailed explanation of why it bothers me.

In one of my last sessions with Dr J. she simply said �if it bothers you then mention it. Don�t try to explain why just let your wife know it does. �
I said �Really?�.
�Yes, if your wife wants to eliminate anything that makes you lose your love for her she will want to know what it is so she change it. It shouldn�t matter to her why you feel the way you do just that you do have a reaction to it and it has a negative consequence.�.

Tired I think you get so caught up in trying to protect your image to your H that you tell him very little. You treat him like he�s the enemy and that he isn�t going to protect your feelings if you�re honest. You have done so for so long it is your first reaction when you are trying to be honest.

I think you could go a long ways in just learning to be honest without worrying about why something bothers you. Maybe you don�t know � doesn�t lessen the fact it does. And certainly shouldn�t lessen how much he should care about what it does to you. I think you should give him the chance to hear what bothers you and give your R a chance to use POJA to remedy the issue.

Exactly, MrA! Isn't it great how the Harleys and Dr. Chalmers cut through the difficulties and make it easy? In a good marriage, it's enough to know that your spouse is bothered by something for you to stop doing it. To the rest of us who floated in bad marriages for years, we didn't get this somewhat obvious concept.

In fact, in our marriage, I think both Prisca and I used to sometimes get into arguments when we asked "why?" Sometimes just asking it was disrespectful to the other, triggering a defensive "discussion" (fight ).

nt.

Good post, Mr. A.

TiredWife, I think you're just going to have to make the decision to be honest with your husband. No one can do that for you. YOU have to trust yourself enough to do this.

We can pump you up indefinitely, but at the end of the day it is up to YOU to risk being honest with the person who is the closest to you. To avoid that decision is to continue going from website to website, looking for an answer that no one else has. The answer is within YOU.

I appreciate that you may have grown up in a family where your honest thoughts may not have been received as you wished them to be. But that was THEN. That was THEM. You have a choice to continue that legacy, or you can start your own. That choice is YOURS.

What are your children learning from your interactions? Think about them, as well. Because they pick up on a lot of marital things, believe me. Don't carry on a legacy that has not worked for you.

YOU have to make the decision to chart that course.