Honestly, I have no idea where there is to dance in our little town or in the next town over. I never did it that much either ( other than tap, ballet and jazz from 1st-high school) So are you talking dance clubs? ( neither of us like that kind of music) Ballroom dancing ( which I think would be really fun, him not so much) or Country Western Dancing ( the kind we tried but fought when we were DATING... If we couldn't do it and didn't find it fun when we were dating, I'm not sure we should try to resurrect it now.. I'm not real fond of country music anyway..)

But, Ok, just fun tonight.. Still thinking. Flirting it is..

tw, you are normally so unhappy that your H is so child-centred. The picture you paint is of a man who does not see the value in UA time, when you are crying out for it. You paint a picture of great loneliness for you in your marriage. You seem to long to have dates with your H, and to talk and be romantic with him.

Well, here he is, actually asking you for a date outside the house, and yet you sound soooo dismayed at the prospect and reluctant to do anything.

It can't be that hard to find something to do, even if it does mean eating out again this week. I'm no use to you for suggestions as I live in one of the world's biggest cities, where there are endless opportunities for both cheap and expensive dates. But please; sieze this opportunity, forget about the heavy talk and find some way of enjoying yourselves. Be enthusiastic about this chance!

tw, I agree with Sugarcane, just make it fun and keep it simple. Maybe even go out to a nice restaurant. One that is an hour+ away and have a nice drive over there. Does he like going out to eat?

Even so, that is not a solution to the main problem in your marriage, which is a lack of honesty and a lack of implementation of this program. I don't see that you are any further along in solving that problem than you were when you arrived. One date is not a solution.

There are a million other things that you can do, be creative.

RE: date

I agree with choosing somewhere far that requires a good 1+ hour each way, it's great conversation time.

I Love the idea of a nice dinner an hour or so away...but if that doesn't sound good for you, maybe you could do dinner and bowling or dinner and mini golf...sounds like you guys enjoy physical activities. That could fit the bill, but still be simple.

My wife love to go to the local zoo and stroll around

Ok, still thinking. I guess I could drive an hour away, but we spent 3 hours driving from the airport yesterday and then dh and I were driving a ton on our respective vacations.. I'm just tired..

To be honest, neither of us really like fancy places. ( Never went when we were dating either!) But there is a good fried seafood place near a nice lake/state park. It was very well known and national, but it burned down. They have rebuilt it and we haven't been there since that happened. This place in an hour or so away, so maybe we can go there and then hike around the lake...maybe it will be down to 95 by then!!! I like hiking better in the fall/spring..

Bowling might be a good idea as well with a local place to eat.. There is a Japanese place where they fix the food in front of you. That might be a good place.

I am excited about the date. It is just that we have each done a lot of activities over the last few weeks ( him national parks, civil war conference; me- ice skating, nice restaurant with daughter, shopping) so I just kind of want to be home. I'd really like slow dancing at home with Chicago music in the background, picnic on the blanket in the house and watching a movie while making out on the couch, but with 3 kids in the house, that ain't happening!

Good idea but closest zoo is 2 1/2 to 3 hours away where we were yesterday to pick him up at the airport.

Tw, it is good you are going on a date, but I am sure you realize that one date is a drop in the bucket. One date does not sustain a marriage. I hope I am wrong, but I dearly hope you are not one of these posters who use this forum to blog for years on end and nothing ever changes in her marriage. Your marriage will never change unless you use this program in its entirety. It is useless when used piecemeal. For example, 4 hours of UA time will make absolutely no difference in your marriage. None.

I order to change your marriage, there needs to be a complete overhaul of the habits you have both developed.

And there can be no "buts" in response to this.

Here's a good one.
Cutting Corners and the Marriage Builders Program

I completely agree with you Melody. Which is why I was wanting to talk about the issues. So do I talk about them or not. I need someone to tell me the exact thing to do and maybe even just stand there and talk for me... UGGGH So do I talk about it or not????? I thought yall said to have fun. But I will talk about the tough stuff tonight if I need to. Please, tell me exactly what to do.

Here's another good one.

Marriage Builders Cafeteria Plan?

I think you need to do both. Go on the date, have a fun time, then later you need to talk about getting with the program.

Dates are not the time to talk about relationship issues. Don't set the precedent for that by doing so tonight.

BUT, you do need to have that relationship talk and SOON. After your date. Things must change.

On a date, I would have fun.

But in the very near future, you need to tell him that you need to start dating regularly, not just sporadically. Tell him you have to have fifteen hours a week alone with him, and ask him to schedule time with you for next week.

Tired,

I think you'd do well to continually communicate your desires.

"I would love it if we could spend at least 15 to 20 hours a week together, alone, just us. Doing things we enjoy. I�m starting to feel distanced from you and miss the closeness.".

I am feeling the harsh reality lately of what it means when her and I don't get enough UA time. I continue to make this exact statement to her every time I see it slipping. It continues to be the catalyst that moves things forward. It opens up the opportunity for us to brainstorm. It's far too easy to get stuck using old methods. I feel the distance between us IMMEDIATELY.

We did. Date night should not be spent on emotionally taxing subjects. We said fun and flirty and light hearted. You want him to think "what a great time we had! We should do that more often!" If you come out with a bunch of complaints and concerns he is going to dread date nights.

You have had months to talk to him about it. Just figure it out.

Ok, tonight will be fun, BUT this is what the following weeks look like:

Sun 30th- Saturday 6th- He is on-call Monday, Friday and Saturday. The only day for sustained UA time will be July 4th when he is off. Tues & Wed can have some whenever he comes home, but those are all day surgery days so he will be tired.

Sund 8th- Sat 14th County call Sunday and Wednesday so I'm thinking the weekend will have to be our time since he'll be exhausted during the week from all the call.

Sun 14- to 20th- On call Monday and Thursday and his sister and her family will be there Friday. Tuesday or Wednesday night might work.

21st-27th- On call Sunday, Tues and Thursday- All kids are gone that week for various camps so when we are home we will be alone that week.

27th we leave for our last intact family 2 week vacation in the trailer.

We get back and he is on county call the next weekend and we take our oldest to college the next week.

My thought was to ask that we have a moratorium on trips starting in September with the exception of the mission trip we have to do in November. I would really like for us to go away for a week together in September and hash out some things. I would like for us to come to an agreement on what our priorities are. Now I think we would both say the same things: Love God, love each other, love the kids and be good parents, serve God in the community/world, work. But if you look at the time, it does not match up. The tyranny of the urgent and/or the good is crowding out the best. I would like for us to have a blank calendar and to then schedule according to our priorities.

I would also like to ask him why he feels he has to be so productive. He cannot NOT do something. He has no idea how to just be. What will happen if he isn't productive?

We might be able to talk about some of this between now and then but I just don't see much time in there for fun dates much less extended conversations on hard subjects. Going so many places makes the call the bunch up so that when we ARE home he is on call a lot. I don't like the pace of our life and I want it to change.

But I would like to ask him this weekend for a time to sit down and do that. Although I know that 15 hours won't work this week, I will ask him to have some time Tuesday and Wednesday night and all day on the 4th or me. ( Though I'm sure he is going to say, then when will I see the kids this week?! And yes I know what you would say, but he doesn't get it.)

ONCE AGAIN, tell him you need 15 hours of his undivided attention time per week. We don't need to see his schedule of less important activities for the upcoming months. Just sell him on the prospect of using the ENTIRE program and THEN ask him to rearrange his schedule. Do you have the book His Needs, Her Needs?


Please stop speaking for him and just tell him you need the time alone with him FIRST and if he doesn't have time, then his work time, etc will have to be rearranged for you. Tell him you did not get married to be alone.