That would be a good start. Going to him and saying you know this marriage builders thing I've been pushing tells me not to keep talking about the affair, apologize and demonstrate how MB is not just critical of him, but gives you instructions on how to do your part better as well.

When I read y'alls posts I cried. Partly because I'm sad I messed up and partly because I'm so grateful you are here helping me.

Thank you.

I agree. Yes there are major LBs. I complain often about Disrespectful Judgements on Ship's part, and I'm not perfect about them either. Mainly I get frustrated and just do it back to him. Stupid I know. And AOs. When Ship gets angry my stomach hurts and I don't want to be near him.

I think ANY DJ is a LB, whether or not it is directed at me. That's why I hate talking politics with Ship. He is so disrespectful about it. I hate driving in a car with him bc he makes DJs at people when they don't drive the way he thinks they should. He uses DJs as a way to "tell the truth" and if I don't like it I'm just a "liberal."

AOs- if the TV doesn't work, he curses and calls it a POS. Even if he says it under his breath I feel like wretching. I don't know why it bothers me so much if he isn't huffing and puffing. He curses quite a bit when he is angry, and he knows it hurts me. He does it anyway.


I'm so sorry. I was trying to hold it in. I was trying to stop thinking about it. My mindset was wrong. I thought that since it was bothering me so much that I should have RH about it. I felt awful bringing it up.


Dr. Harley said that Ship should be willing to tell people based on the simple fact that I said it would make me feel better....that Just Compensation was never reached. Ship disagreed. I was hoping Ship would come to terms with things and be able to speak more openly about it as time went on. I didn't force it.


I agree so heartily with you markos. Ship says 15-30hrs is not possible. Ship does not agree with me on what LBs are, so it's pretty hard for him to completely eliminate them. In fact, he thinks that me reading here actually makes our marriage worse because it "makes" me upset.

It doesn't make me upset. I have felt so many of these things since the beginning of our marriage. I just never had the words to express them until I found this website.

Ok. I'm willing to do that. I just don't know about Ship. I don't want him to feel like all of this is "work."

I've said this before, and I do realize it is a DJ- I am worried that I'm not worth the effort to Ship.

What if Ship doesn't agree? Then what?

I've been asking him to be more honest with me. He doesn't always say what he's thinking because he's afraid he will hurt me (I know I'm sensitive.)

But I'd rather know he feels like things are a waste of time then for him to do it and then resent me for it while I'm on my way thinking everything is fine.

Wow. Yes. That is why I'm hurting.

So I should have internalized this. I'm sorry for hurting Ship.



How do I say it without making a judgment? That I don't feel validated when I speak my feelings?



I agree. I'm not always honest. I was trying to keep it to myself because I don't want to bring up our past. When I don't share that I'm upset, yes I am contributing to the empathy problem.

But when I do share my feelings and I'm told that I "should have done..." or "if I would just...." then I definitely don't feel validated.



I was going to respond with my reasoning here, but really I shouldn't have brought it up. If I was being a caring wife I wouldn't have said such things.



Ship has said that one day he could see us having a marriage ministry. He doesn't want to expose to family because he feels his past would be used as ammunition against him. "They aren't safe."


He says he's willing to let ME tell people, but he is angry about it. So is he willing?

He has all the appropriate EPs in place, so on that front he has done what is needed.

Just Compensation with a fulfilling marriage that meets my ENs and avoids LBs? Not yet.

I really appreciate this markos. Thank you. I thought I was hurting because I was being triggered or something. Thank you for giving me clarity on this.

Yes we talk about MBs all the time without bringing up the past. I think Ship thinks I'm talking about our past sometimes when I'm not.

Like when we discuss travel. His new job has travel, but we discussed me going along so he took the job. Now when I bring it up he feels like I'm checking up on him. I'm protecting my marriage, like I would whether or not there was an affair.

Can I ask why he would take a travel job when you know better?

IIRC, you were bothered that this affair wasn't revealed to his family.
Dr. Harley advised that even "now" (what, a year ago?) for him to go on ahead and let them know.

It's like having a condition for recovery that wasn't met and you let meeting this condition go undone.

Like it or not, it's still getting between you two and recovery isn't happening.

It's still part and parcel of sweeping it under the rug, of not engaging in radical honesty.

Again, I'm not sure I'm remembering correctly, so if my memory's off, I apologize.

Thank you for coming to my thread MelodyLane!!

We have actually been stuck financially for about 4 years now because we have avoided jobs that travel for so long. I finally gave in so that we could breath again (and barely) when Ship said, "I'll do anything to make you comfortable with travel."

So we agreed I would travel with him as much as humanly possible. I said at LEAST once a quarter, and he said that he believes he can do his job in such a way that minimizes travel.

I'll admit, I'm wary.

Ship said he'd do anything...

Yes, Dr Harley said telling his family was part of Just Compensation.

I have been in limbo about it because it was 9 years ago! And if his family is going to use this information as weapons to judge him, what do I do?

Nothing. You have no control over others.

Is there a reason why you haven't told them?

I wish there was a thumbs up icon!

Keeping it hidden simply isn't working.

Yes. Ship doesn't want me to.

That's the only reason.

After all this time, would you tell them knowing how much it would hurt him?

I agree. At this point though, isn't it best to POJA this? Should it still make such a difference? I wish I could just tun that part off...cut it off of me...something. I hate that it lingers.

I've been thinking about this. I'd like it if he would call his grandmother, father, mother, and 4 siblings to tell them what happened 10 years ago, apologize, and ask forgiveness.

Then I'd like him to do the same with my mom and brother.

That's 9 people.

And...I was wondering. What about our children? It never crossed my mind to tell them because they were 2 and 4 at the time. Now they are 12 and 14. Why would they need to know?

I don't get why you don't just tell them and get it over with and move on rather than staying in limbo wishing he would do this.

And I don't get why other Marriage Builders provisions and suggestions are being put on the back burner relative to this very simple thing. Do it or don't do it, but move on because there's a lot of work to be done to make your PRESENT and FUTURE happy! Quit waiting for Ship to decide; either tell them or don't tell them, but get done with it.

This isn't exactly Marriage Builders exposure you are talking about, because in Marriage Builders YOU expose. It would sure be a token of goodwill on his part to do this, but it's been a decade and he hasn't done it and he doesn't want to. You're not going to be able to drag him to do this or wait for him to do this, and that's a way to keep yourself in limbo forever.

Do you want to tell them? Or just skip it? I think either one is fine, but I think you need to move on promptly.

I've been in limbo because I don't want Ship to be angry, and to tell them at this point would definitely make him angry.

We are to confess our sins to one another. The people I listed watched us go through the worst time of our lives with a great deal of confusion as to why.

I want them to know, and I want Ship to ask forgiveness. So I'm changing a policy into a demand by wanting it to be done that way?

I don't know that I would feel better if I told them myself. I'd feel better if Ship asked forgiveness because there is a level of being contrite that goes with that...one that I haven't really seen.

He has only gotten ANGRY when I've brought up telling his parents from day one. I'm looking for humility. Am I spinning my wheels?