Just now saw this: good work, Anointed. You took a tremendous step! We are praying for you, and I know that you are feeling some good (and frightening) new things after taking this step.

It is done, it is out there, and things are going to change. This is good!

That was a good answer. And probably a good exercising in letting other people pick their own reactions and responses.

In active affairs, people get all kinds of weirdness when they expose, particularly from family members and friends who justify, excuse, sweep under the rug - and are often wayward themselves. We see it every day.

That's what happened to me too, as well. Resentment magically went away when we created a happy present together.

"if he comes home" - you are getting the hang of it. His decision.

My hope is that his decision is "My wife Anointed was completely within her rights to tell the family about this mistake on my part that has been concealed for years." If he's like many people, it may take him a little while to come around to that, though.

Yesterday Ship had an AO at our 3 year old and told her to shut up because she was throwing a fit. I told him that was inappropriate. I told him he owed her an apology. He told me to go ahead and hold my breath because it wasn't going to happen.

He had been complaining about things around him right and left, so I guess he was in a bad mood.

He finally apologized to the 3 yr old, but it was kinda abrupt the way he did it.

I stayed away from him the rest of the night. When he was getting ready for bed, I came to our bed and was watching a show on the ipad. Just trying to get closer to him I guess.

He told me, "you are turning that off." I said, "I am?"

He said yes, and I said did you mean to ask me if I could please turn it off? He said that I was rude to come to bed watching a show when I knew he was going to bed.

I told him that it is very simple to ask me questions. I am pleased to do things that make him happy. I was trying to be close to him, and I told him that was a mistake.

Now he sent me this text:
"Hello my love. I just want to say that you are my one and only sweetheart and I want it to be that way forever. Please forgive my brute rudeness and foul mouth. I still quest to tame my unruly tongue, but it often quips before I can catch up. I look forward to embracing you when I get home."

I said:
"I appreciate that. We have a lot to work on. I want you to know that since you said to expose if I needed to, I did. Everyone knows now."

He said: "wow"

My daughter came back in to talk to me after that and she wanted me to know that she was so sorry I went through this alone and sat in my lap and cried with me (she's as big as I am.)

It was so healing for me. I've needed it.

Glad to hear this, Anointed.

Thank you all so much for the support (and push).

This is a new day.

And I'm very disappointed to hear that he is STILL having AOs ....

Good job, Anointed!! And I would argue that keeping it a secret has hurt him. Exposure is therapeutic and cleansing. I am glad to see the others encouraged you to go through with it.

A couple of response to some of your points:

1. Dr Harley does not recommend that a WS expose himself: here

2. Dr Harley making "DJ's" against Ship. Dr Harley is not trying to fill Ship's lovebank so that is a silly assertion.

3. exposure is not an issue for POJA. The POJA of the PORH does not apply to adultery or abuse

I am so glad to hear you are getting support from your family.

In an ordinary active-affair exposure, we usually have to talk to the BS and advise him/her to be ready for a torrent of rage from the wayward spouse. In this case there is no active affair, so that's a lot less likely to happen.

STILL, it's likely to be a new whirlwind or roller coaster here for a bit. You have stepped into new territory, gotten off the old ride (you know where it goes) and onto a new one (you don't know where it goes). Hang on tight!

My guess from Ship's "wow" is that what you have done has probably instilled a new respect for you into him. I know that last year when Prisca told me I had to leave if I was going to continue to have angry outbursts, it definitely instilled a new respect for her into me. WOW is right!

Great job on pulling out that thorn that just kept festering!

I suspect that you will witness mercurial mood changes, so it may be tough for you. Do not lovebust at all. Stop conversations when you feel ready to defend yourself if it comes to that. Ask him to leave to calm down if he has an AO.

Remember, you did a good thing for your marriage.

I'm praying for you to stay in the will of the Lord during this pivotal time.

He did come home and asked some questions...who did I tell, what did I say, what did they say.

I told him that I wasn't out to hurt him, that I needed this. He still disagrees. He wants to know if this means I will never mention our past again. I said that was the point...so I could get past it.

And I also said that telling everyone is not a magic spell that will make everything better. I'll stop hurting and resenting when we have a caring relationship.

One thing that I would like to be able to do is talk to those around me about my past when they need help, like the girl I'm helping now. Is that the same thing as bringing it up over and over again? How does that work?

I want beauty to come from ashes, and in my scenario that would be by helping others (and there are soooo many) around us who don't know what to do. So far I've brought them to this website, but I'd like to do more.

Do we POJA this part? (talking to others to help them)

And I'm not sure how much "we" there is at this point. He is very upset and doesn't see the point of my exposing after so long.

I told him that I understood that he may feel that he doesn't want to work on things anymore, but I had to do the right thing for my recovery. We weren't going to get better if I didn't face it.

He hasn't responded much...just agitated in general.

Some extended family know now: his cousin (who is like a best friend to me) and 3 of his aunts...all of whom have been somewhat of an authority figure to me and I have loved them dearly.

I just got a text from Ship's sister that she understands why I would involve his immediate family, but she doesn't think it's right that I involved the extended family. She says she could see why he would be upset.

We are close to a lot of our family.

Maybe she is right. Ship isn't here right now. He left to go get something to eat and said he would be gone for a while. He left his phone behind.

When was his affair?

Who did you all tell? When? Today?

His affairs were 10 years ago. I have dealt with the pain of it mostly alone all this time, and I finally broke.

Ship had said if I needed to tell someone just to do it because he was tired of having the same old conversation (I was hurting and could he please tell the family?)

Yesterday I just did it. I exposed to those close to us. My SIL feels I shouldn't have told extended family.

I told 4 people who were not direct family members, so I'm not sure what she means. I exposed to those I wanted support from.

Today is our 15 year anniversary. He would not talk to me or touch me yesterday. He is gone for work now.

So. Here I am.

Annointed, just to be clear, while you originally listed 9 people to tell (and told them), you subsequently decided to tell additional people.

Is that right?

ETA: I think you answered the question. Are you planning to do more exposure? I urge you to decide on and do it quickly, so that you can move on to the next stage of recovery.

Yes, I was originally going to tell his direct family and mine, but then I decided to add his 3 aunts and his cousin due to our close relationships.

I wanted their support and it has been fruitful so far. I'm getting what I needed, but I'm also getting told I shouldn't have exposed to extended family.

Ship has a HUGE family. I didn't expose to everyone. It's not like I blasted it on facebook.

Yes, I'm finished exposing.

I want to be able to discuss our past with those going through affairs though in order to help them.

How does that work?

(this may be a moot point since Ship won't talk to me.)

Nevermind, just want to make it thru and create a caring marriage for both sides.

Will deal with helping others when we are not in crisis. Hope that day comes.

Has he answered ALL your questions about the affair?

Has he put EPs in place?

I worry that he hasn't given you JC and you still have resentment. Is he using the rule of care?

Are you getting your UA time meeting the 4 intimate needs?