|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Can somebody just turn me off for a few days? Can I just lay in bed and pretend this isn't happening? I'd rather not be here, and if it weren't for my children it's possible I would have been dead long ago. You need to get to your doctor and get on antidepressants ASAP.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Your reaction to his despicable behavior is a HUGE part of the problem. If you would stop rewarding him for being a punk, I predict he would stop acting that way. I wouldn't tolerate that for 2 seconds and neither should you. Okay. It is a HUGE problem. He throws fits when the car breaks down, when the bills are tight, when he doesn't get to watch his TV show...etc. It isn't all the time, but it's often enough to be a problem. Am I always going to be ignoring him?
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
You aren't doing that for him, are you? What? blowjobs? no
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Stop rewarding him when he acts like a punk. Dr Harley has said that when a spouse is passive aggressive and manipulative that you should never give them what they want. Ignore him when he acts like a punk instead of REWARDING HIM. Do you see how you are training him to act like a punk? No MelodyLane. Can you teach me? How am I rewarding him? I thought I was being respectful and nice in the face of things. Anointed, he should not get his emotional needs met if he is being abusive to you and not meeting your emotional needs. And this is straight Dr. Willard Harley advice I'm giving here! When I was abusing Prisca and she posted to Dr. Harley, he focused on my angry outbursts and pretty much ignored her questions about meeting my needs! Let me tell you that when I fight with Prisca, when I am demanding or disrespectful toward her, or have an angry outburst in her presence, I do not get my needs met! Oh no! When I behave like that, I am in for several days of misery and loneliness, because I have made it IMPOSSIBLE for her to meet my needs. And I have made it DANGEROUS and INADVISABLE for her to meet my needs. The proper Marriage Builders thing for her to do when I act like that is for her to go protect herself, not to respond by meeting my emotional needs.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Stop rewarding him when he acts like a punk. Dr Harley has said that when a spouse is passive aggressive and manipulative that you should never give them what they want. Ignore him when he acts like a punk instead of REWARDING HIM. Do you see how you are training him to act like a punk? No MelodyLane. Can you teach me? How am I rewarding him? I thought I was being respectful and nice in the face of things. Anointed, he should not get his emotional needs met if he is being abusive to you and not meeting your emotional needs. I see. My confusion comes in when he does meet my needs and sprinkles in the fits in between. Then what? With him it is like Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
Yes, he will not allow me to touch him, and he gives me short answers when I talk to him. Last night I offered to give him SF to comfort him (us really) and he refused. I said, "It doesn't have to mean anything." He said, "It always means something."
I told him that I was going to wait until he's asleep and then hold him and he said, "I'd rather you not."
I sent a text this morning that said, "15 years. I'm grateful for the time we've had together." He texted back, "Ditto." How does any of this ADDRESS his childish, cruel behavior? You act like it didn't happen and instead offer him rewards for behaving like a d*ck. When he acts like childish gurl, instead of doing the above things and giving him attention and love [REWARDS] for throwing a FIT, you should IGNORE him. I see. Okay. In the past when I have ignored him for behaving this way (for days because it can last for days) I was told not to do that. That I was Lovebusting. I'm confused. How do I hold boundaries? I love him and want him to know it, but now I've learned that I must also love myself and must hold boundaries to do so. You love him when he is being a manipulative [censored]? Really? How revolting. I believe he already knows you love him and when he is being a JERK is not the time to express your love. It is time to express your disappointment in his childish behavior. Dr Harley has stated that a spouse who is engaging in manipulation - which he is when he throws his fits - should not be rewarded. When he behaves like that, just ignore him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Can somebody just turn me off for a few days? Can I just lay in bed and pretend this isn't happening? I'd rather not be here, and if it weren't for my children it's possible I would have been dead long ago. You need to get to your doctor and get on antidepressants ASAP. I guess. It's just the coward in me that feels/talks this way. I'll get over it.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Your reaction to his despicable behavior is a HUGE part of the problem. If you would stop rewarding him for being a punk, I predict he would stop acting that way. I wouldn't tolerate that for 2 seconds and neither should you. Okay. It is a HUGE problem. He throws fits when the car breaks down, when the bills are tight, when he doesn't get to watch his TV show...etc. It isn't all the time, but it's often enough to be a problem. Am I always going to be ignoring him? If I throw a fit, I have to move out of the house.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Stop rewarding him when he acts like a punk. Dr Harley has said that when a spouse is passive aggressive and manipulative that you should never give them what they want. Ignore him when he acts like a punk instead of REWARDING HIM. Do you see how you are training him to act like a punk? No MelodyLane. Can you teach me? How am I rewarding him? I thought I was being respectful and nice in the face of things. Anointed, he should not get his emotional needs met if he is being abusive to you and not meeting your emotional needs. And this is straight Dr. Willard Harley advice I'm giving here! When I was abusing Prisca and she posted to Dr. Harley, he focused on my angry outbursts and pretty much ignored her questions about meeting my needs! Let me tell you that when I fight with Prisca, when I am demanding or disrespectful toward her, or have an angry outburst in her presence, I do not get my needs met! Oh no! When I behave like that, I am in for several days of misery and loneliness, because I have made it IMPOSSIBLE for her to meet my needs. And I have made it DANGEROUS and INADVISABLE for her to meet my needs. The proper Marriage Builders thing for her to do when I act like that is for her to go protect herself, not to respond by meeting my emotional needs. Ok. This is all so confusing. I have given him love when he hasn't been easy to love. I thought that showed him Christ's love. I'm all over the place.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Your reaction to his despicable behavior is a HUGE part of the problem. If you would stop rewarding him for being a punk, I predict he would stop acting that way. I wouldn't tolerate that for 2 seconds and neither should you. Okay. It is a HUGE problem. He throws fits when the car breaks down, when the bills are tight, when he doesn't get to watch his TV show...etc. It isn't all the time, but it's often enough to be a problem. Am I always going to be ignoring him? Do you see how rewarding him has NOT HELPED? Can you even stand to make love to him? Honestly?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Ok. Thank you all for the clarification. I have been asking for that clarification all along.
Ship thinks I paint him in a terrible light on this forum and that I don't give him credit for all the good things he does (there are a lot of great things about him.)
I guess I'm tired of the merry-go-round. I'm ready to get off and make some headway.
Ship told me that he was quitting his part time job and that if I wanted to claim the income I'll need to let them know. I asked him flat out if he was leaving me.
He didn't answer.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Can somebody just turn me off for a few days? Can I just lay in bed and pretend this isn't happening? I'd rather not be here, and if it weren't for my children it's possible I would have been dead long ago. You need to get to your doctor and get on antidepressants ASAP. I guess. It's just the coward in me that feels/talks this way. I'll get over it. It is not the coward in you. It is your emotions telling you that you are in a very bad situation. You won't get over it unless something changes.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
Ok.
This is all so confusing. I have given him love when he hasn't been easy to love. I thought that showed him Christ's love. You have created a monster and are engaging in the very UNBIBLICAL practice of unconditional love: "The concept of unconditional love in marriage usually refers to a spouse�s lifelong commitment to care for the other spouse regardless of what the other spouse does. I�m in favor of a lifelong commitment to care regardless of unfavorable circumstances (health problems, financial setbacks, and other factors outside a couple�s control that can negatively impact a marriage). But I�m opposed to a lifelong commitment to care for a spouse when that spouse makes marriage-wrecking choices. It tends to give such people unrealistic expectations of entitlement�that they should be cared for, regardless of their willingness to care in return. Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Excerpts from an old Marriage Builders discussion, where MelodyLane explains Marriage Builders to a bunch of MB101 posters who don't understand it: Melody,
Question: Why does it take you a week to "recover" from an arguement?
Thanks. It takes about a WEEK for me to feel emotionally close to my husband after a fight. When couples have fights, they WITHDRAW. seriously, then your hubby must really have to mind his P's and Q's around you. seriously, then your hubby must really have to mind his P's and Q's around you.
my wife is the same way...cross her and you'll pay, so for the longest I avoid conflict and basically let her walk all over me, b/c I knew that if I stood up from something that may just piss her off, I'd be cut off...and she will cut me off... Yes, my H does mind his P's and Q's; BUT SO DO I. We strive to not piss each other off..EVER. We NEVER fight. And we don't punish each other. However, my H does not "avoid conflict" and if he allowed me to walk over him, I would be disgusted because I hate a wimp. ugh... We do not avoid conflict and we do not punish the other for expressing his/her opinion. seriously, then your hubby must really have to mind his P's and Q's around you.
my wife is the same way...cross her and you'll pay, so for the longest I avoid conflict and basically let her walk all over me, b/c I knew that if I stood up from something that may just piss her off, I'd be cut off...and she will cut me off... Mel, no disrespect intended, but do you think that your husband might feel anything at all like this? ^ If he does, you might not actually know it, because silence is often thought of as tacit approval. I am NOT trying to confrontational. I am stating that I did the same thing as Mr. A in this regard, trying to skirt the issues because dealing with them only caused MORE trouble and less ENs meeting. You guys are missing the point. Conflict has not disappeared from our marriage. We just handle conflict in an effective way that does not kill the love in our marriage. Having fights is not an effective way to address conflict; it does not work. The solution to conflict is to address it head on without lovebusters. Just because we don't fight, doesn't mean we don't have conflict. It just means that we resolve it in NEW WAYS. We don't use lovebusters and we stick to the POJA. That does not mean that my H is a wussy boy who runs from conflict. We have conflicts EVERY DAY. We just handle them in better ways. And the more you do this, the more it becomes second nature. We don't practice WIN/LOSE, we practice WIN-WIN or nothing is done. On the other hand, staying silent when one is unhappy is just as destructive. We follow the policy of RADICAL HONESTY and both fully believe in making open and honest COMPLAINTS when warranted. The way we handle conflict now ensures that neither person is "pissed off" or withdrawn, which means that no one gets cut off. I can't even remember the last time we had a fight and I felt withdrawn it has been so long. Perhaps years. I have never linked to these posts before and had to go back and look them up to find them, but I have remembered them for three years and am eternally grateful to MelodyLane for explaining to me that it was NOT NORMAL for me to expect my wife to be happy and meet my needs after a fight, after I am demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward her. (Even though it still took a long while for this to sink in.) And for explaining that it is NORMAL for a husband to "mind his P's and Q's" around his wife (and vice versa), because after all, in marriage, you promise to CARE for each other, so you ought to be on your BEST behavior for each other, not show your WORST.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Ship thinks I paint him in a terrible light on this forum His actions, not yours, paint him that way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
"Neglect and abuse characterize many marriages based on unconditional love." Dr Bill Harley
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Your reaction to his despicable behavior is a HUGE part of the problem. If you would stop rewarding him for being a punk, I predict he would stop acting that way. I wouldn't tolerate that for 2 seconds and neither should you. Okay. It is a HUGE problem. He throws fits when the car breaks down, when the bills are tight, when he doesn't get to watch his TV show...etc. It isn't all the time, but it's often enough to be a problem. Am I always going to be ignoring him? Do you see how rewarding him has NOT HELPED? Can you even stand to make love to him? Honestly? That was also on this thread. I was struggling in that area with him, and he was told to meet my needs in order to get me more interested in SF. He didn't think that was fair. Yes, I enjoy making love with him, usually because he does a great job meeting my needs when he tries.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Stop rewarding him when he acts like a punk. Dr Harley has said that when a spouse is passive aggressive and manipulative that you should never give them what they want. Ignore him when he acts like a punk instead of REWARDING HIM. Do you see how you are training him to act like a punk? No MelodyLane. Can you teach me? How am I rewarding him? I thought I was being respectful and nice in the face of things. Anointed, he should not get his emotional needs met if he is being abusive to you and not meeting your emotional needs. I see. My confusion comes in when he does meet my needs and sprinkles in the fits in between. Then what? With him it is like Dr Jeckyl and Mr Hyde. Mr Hyde doesn't get his needs met. He has to decide to be Jeckyl. Am I always going to be ignoring him? That is his decision, right? If he wants to not be ignored, then he can decide to do what it takes to EARN your attention, which will mean behaving himself. I didn't want to lose my life with Prisca, so I decided to do what it took. It was very fair: I had to stop having angry outbursts. She didn't ask me to make any sacrifices: just to stop abusing her!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
That was also on this thread. I was struggling in that area with him, and he was told to meet my needs in order to get me more interested in SF. He didn't think that was fair. Okay, then no SF. His decision.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 675 |
Okay. Thank you.
I'm open to correction and I've kinda been all over the place in how to do this thing.
Ship is going to hate you all.
But I love you. Thank you.
Married 20 yrs
Me:FBW
Him: FWH
4 children
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
168
guests, and
83
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Children
by BrainHurts - 10/19/24 03:02 PM
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,616
Posts2,323,460
Members71,895
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
