Yes, thank you. I read the first two articles. I will listen to the shows later, perhaps tonight when it's less hectic at home.

True. I'm still punishing him for the wrongs he committed against me. I don't wish to give up that control. I'm afraid he will take advantage of my kindness. I know that's not right. One of my very first assignments in counseling was to start treating him as a friend, which I'm sorry to say was a challenge for me at the time.

You are the rule and she is the EXCEPTION. A wayward wife does not have an affair because she is madly in love with her husband. She has it because she is indifferent and has fallen out of love. You have made it impossible to regain your feelings for your husband because you are still in contact with your affair partner. Your lovebank is open to OM and closed to your husband.

Omgosh, I have extreme stage fright...I don't think I could do that. I'm somewhat of an introvert and shy. I also crumble and cry really easy if I feel like I'm being attacked. I think it would be a disaster. LOL

But I do believe that the program would be worth a try to see if we could reestablish romantic love. Being in lust as teenagers is completely different to having adult responsibilities, a house, and all these kiddos, etc. We also had life threatening illnesses with a few of our kids. Those were very difficult years for us and we were self-employed so my husband had to keep working hard to support all of us.

All of these things can erode Love Bank balances, and they are typically things affair partners, lovers, and close friends do not have to partake in.

Because of this, they can make Love Bank deposits very easily with very little chance or threat of withdrawal.


These very things you mentioned are why opposite sex friendships are disastrous to marriages.


So - here's an idea... accept that you and your husband are responsible for allowing your marriage to wither, that you are responsible for striking deathblows with poor boundaries and infidelity - and then accept that this can be compensated for, and that you can learn to fall in love with your husband again.


Either that, or you can continue droning on page after page about how you aren't in love with your husband while getting NOWHERE.

This makes sense to me. But why can't my husband and I make every effort to make those deposits and to avoid the love busters? Won't that eventually outweigh whatever distractions and attentions from OM I have going on in my life? We are already starting to spend more time with each other.

And noooo...I haven't done those things yet. That's a lot to consider. Part of me thinks everyone will think that I'm wacked! I mean, all of this over an OSF that went too far? And I honestly don't believe that my husband is willing to give up the status quo.

I can do this, but I don't understand why I have tell EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD all my misdoings including my kids! I can tell my husband that it is advised that we lose the friends to give our marriage a chance. I can even ask him if he thinks I should talk to my friend (the wife) about it. IDK.

I also explained in that post why meeting ENs and avoiding LBs while you keep an OM in the wings is a TERRIBLE idea;

The OM has little to no chance to commit Love Busters and withdraw units compared to your husband. That means every Love Unit he deposits every time you have contact will remain intact, and that in contrast, your husband's balance will constantly be lower.

Not to mention, it's ***edit** disrespectful and disgusting.


You don't ask your husband permission to expose the affair to the OMBW, you tell her, so that SHE knows that you are a threat to her marriage.


You tell EVERYBODY for several reasons; for support for your husband (he will shrink, no man wants everyone to think he's married to a skank), for support for YOU, support for your MARRIAGE, and so that people who are FRIENDS of your marriage will knock you *****back in line if you start to act up.


Not only do you tell your children, you tell them EXACTLY how WRONG it is. If you lie to them, you doom them to repeat your mistakes.

Of course he should be making deposits and avoiding lovebusters. That is what we have told you all along. But that will never work unless you end your affair.

Your affair has to end NOW.


You are not willing to give up your affair and are wasting valuable board time that could be devoted to helping people who are sincere about saving their marriages.

You are only sincere about protecting your affair AT ALL COST. We can't help you if you REFUSE to end your affair.

Folks, the problem is that she refuses to end her affair. That is what is going on here. She is wasting our valuable time defending her affair when there are people on this board who really need our help.

You already gave up the status quo for your husband with neither his consent or knowledge.

No, you don't ask, you tell him what needs to be done and get it done. You don't need to ask him if you should tell your friend what you did to her behind her back. That is just simple basic decency. Have you ANY DECENCY at all? Do you think its moral to smooch it up with someone's husband and then hide that fact from his wife? What kind of a MEAN woman does that?

Are you really that mean? The real reason you don't want to tell her is because you don't her to interfere with your affair with HER HUSBAND.

Until you do those things, you are wasting our time here. We can't help you if you don't end your affair and expose it to the other victims, ie: the OM's wife and your children. There are hundreds of posts telling you to do this and they have all been ignored.

We have people on this board whose lives are in a state of crisis, and not by their own hand. [unlike you] They are in dire straits.

You only want help in maintaining your affair with some loser and are taking valuable time away from good people on this board. This board is not here to help you maintain your affair. Do you understand this?

Thislife,

This makes sense to me. But why can't my husband and I make every effort to make those deposits and to avoid the love busters?

Do it on your own, without expectation that your H will return the consideration or kindness, do it to make make yourself a better person. Don't withhold your apologies waiting for his apology thinking he did more wrong or worse wrong than you. I say this because this frozen state was were my W and I were when I found MB, and my W saw no escape.

And noooo...I haven't done those things yet. That's a lot to consider. Part of me thinks everyone will think that I'm wacked!

No what is wacked is that society at large expects marriages to be miserable to degenerate into affairs and divorce, in a sense I asking you to think outside the box with extraordinary decency.

And the kissing and heavy petting with someone elses H are a crime you have committed against their betrayed Ws. There are some many betrayed spouses in this world who just have an ugly feeling about their marriage but never get confirmation and are the last to know do them a big favor.

God Bless
Gamma

No, that is not "extraordinary decency" to stop an affair and confess to the man's wife, it is BASIC decency of anyone who claims to be human but is not a sociopath. No thinking outside of the box at all. When you harm someone you make amends. Most 3 year olds know this.

And certainly anyone who claims to be a Christian.


Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.

But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." ( John 3:19-21)

Expose the affair and follow MB principles. You will find that your husband is not the demon you seem to have in your mind that he is -- do not deny it. You have probably built him up to be some terrible thing in your mind, and you seem determined to leave him.

If you are going to leave him, LEAVE HIM and leave the OM out of it. He does not deserve having his heart ripped to shreds, repeatedly, because you don't want to give up your ADULTERY.



I'm out. I can't do this.

He can't because you are still in affair mode.

If he were here, I suspect he would be advised that it's useless to try to meet the needs of a wayward spouse.

Why? Because they reject having their needs met when they are getting their needs met by the affair partner.

Need meeting by the BS is most effective once the affair has ended and protections to avoid further contact with the affair partner are put into place.

As long as there is still contact, it is essentially pointless for him to attempt to meet your needs.

So if you REALLY want him to meet your needs, you have to eliminate your behaviors that make it impossible. As long as you have not been 100% open and honest about your affairs and are still in ANY form of contact with any OM, he cannot meet your needs.

As long as you defend your actions and fight against the program, he cannot meet your needs.

Not because of his inability, but because of the interference your behaviors present to effectively having your needs met by your husband.

Then you cannot be helped.