That's typical, too. Dr. Harley says he rarely sees a situation where only one spouse is abusive. Usually if one spouse is abusive, the other becomes abusive in response.

The first part of Love Busters basically lays out this program (and matching worksheets are in the workbook):

Starting with Selfish Demands, you keep a worksheet for each other each week of any selfish demands your spouse makes. A selfish demand is any time you feel your spouse tells you what to do. Once a week, give each other your worksheets, so you can learn what your spouse feels is demanding and learn to replace those demands with Thoughtful Requests. Do not argue if your spouse said something is demanding and you felt it was not. Dr. Harley says to let your spouse be the judge, because you want to find out honestly what their love bank thinks of the way you are talking to them, and you want to CHANGE the way you are talking to them. Post here for help or contact Dr. Harley or the coaching center if you can't figure out why your spouse thinks something is demanding.

The key to a request instead of a demand is that you accept it when your spouse says "no." Difficult stuff!

When you have gone one week with a completely empty Selfish Demands worksheet, you move on to weekly worksheets for Disrespectful Judgments. (And keep filling out SD worksheets - hopefully blank!) Again any time your spouse says something you feel is disrespectful or judgmental, go write it on your worksheet, and exchange the worksheets once a week. Again, don't argue with your spouse if they feel you are disrespectful. You are if they say you are! Post here or get professional help if you need help understanding why your spouse feels something is disrespectful.

The key to a disrespectful judgment is that it contains an implicit value judgment: your idea is "right," and your spouse's is "wrong"; your idea is "better" than your spouse's; you and/or your spouse "should" do something or believe something.

After you've gone a week with a clear DJ worksheet, you move on to angry outbursts. An angry outburst is any attempt to punish your spouse.

GET HELP IF YOU GUYS CAN'T ELIMINATE THESE. It is that serious. The program will not work if you continue to criticize each other.

Be aware that you can't fall in love if Love Busters are present. You are kicking holes in the love bank - how can you fill it like that? I would say that over time, my wife and I only become MORE sensitive to demands, disrespect, and anger, so it was imperative that we ELIMINATE them, not just "reduce" them.

BTW, I recommend getting the most recent version of Love Busters. It has gotten better with every release.

I also recommend daily listening to the radio show. Dr. Harley really has no tolerance for the abusive love busters and will teach you how to have no tolerance for them as well - in yourselves, and in each other.

Because I found disrespect nearly impossible to understand and see, I started a cheat sheet list of notes that I kept and added to for a long time. Here's the current version. These notes show lots and lots of different things you can do that your spouse might find disrespectful:

sarcasm
criticism
judgment: stating that their perspective is wrong
"should"
lecturing/attempting to educate
gestures, facial expressions? body language?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2531712#Post2531712
expressing surprise or shock at an opinion or feeling or belief
saying that something is "obvious" (in other words, you "should" realize this or "should" know it)
disrespecting your spouse's feelings instead of accepting the fact that they do feel that way

guilting, shaming
hyperbolizing
always/never
exaggerated words
scolding
name-calling, labelling
saying or doing something you know your spouse identifies as disrespectful

comparisons: if I had done such a horrible thing as you, I'd be doing more to make up for it

defensiveness

minimizing -- "just" -- you just say that because ... [Translation: I don't have to address your complaint.]
psychoanalyzing your spouse
explaining away your spouse's feelings or complaints

attributing motivations
blaming, fault-finding
expecting them to read your mind


I statements may help, but are not an excuse for a disrespectful judgment

Two Fantastic posts, Markos!!

Very useful for me, too...

Thank you Markos for posting your DJ notes! Excellent! I need to find a way to save this.

Learn from my mistakes, kids.

Email it to yourself, TisMe...

Great info in this thread for sure!

My H and I struggle with conversation often too. We just don't enjoy many of the same topics. I guess I am interested in more typical "girl" things....but I m trying to get my need for conversation met thru my M rather then from the females in my life....

No TJ here...just reading and learning

great idea catwhit! Doing that now!

Wow, markos! That's wonderfully helpful! We are sitting here discussing it right now.

The list would be helpful to see patterns in your own behavior. You could identify what your spouse feels is a LB even when you don't see it yourself.

Great post, thanks for sharing!

Very glad to hear you shared that list with him. I hope you find it helpful.

As a stay-at-home mom, I don't get out much. Our Saturdays at the YMCA are important to me not only to get away from the kids but for working out as well. Then we take the kids to the pool. It's my favorite day. I look forward to it all week. When that is taken away, I feel trapped, stranded.

There was another proposition for sex on a non-sex night. It made me feel obligated to have sex and resentful for turning him down but it's all I can do to keep up with the 3 nights a week we have scheduled as it is. It's just too much for me.

How do you feel about SF on the day that you really enjoy? At the time when you get home and it's expected, do you feel in the mood?

I don't enjoy it. That's the problem. I'm always at home and it happens every T,Th,Sat regardless of whether I am in the mood or not. I have no choice if I am going to fulfill his need for SF.

I apologize if this has already been discussed, but do you have a sexual aversion?
How to Overcome a Sexual Aversion

Have you e-mailed Dr. Harley?

Well, it is very obvious you are well entrenched in deciding that you do/will not enjoy SF with your husband. That really is too bad because the task I'm about to give you would be much easier otherwise.

For the next month (I'll do the math for you - that's twelve anticipated, rationed, resented sessions) you should do two things:

1) Make each session as enjoyable as possible for FTF. Be the best lover he could ever imagine. Be inventive, enthusiastic, initiating, tender, and caring. Since part of what makes a man's experience super-enjoyable is the supposed pleasure he is bringing to his partner, the next part is predictable.

***EDIT***

Whaddaya say? Twelve award-winning performances should be doable, right?

Is there anything about what your husband does during SF that makes it less pleasant for you, or is there anything he could do to make it more enjoyable?


Do you find your husband physically attractive? If not, what would he need to work on? Lose weight, grooming, dressing better?


Lastly (but most important) - you obviously not getting in enough UA time, and what you do get doesn't sound mutually enjoyable. That needs to be fixed, NOW.


Also, you might knock the child-centered marriage crap off. It landed you in an affair, and then landed you here.

This is a big part of why you are not enjoying sex.
You, as a woman, NEED the 15 hours of enjoyable UA meeting the intimate emotional needs of Conversation, Affection, and possibly Recreational Companionship in order to enjoy the Sexual Fulfillment with your husband. You need 3 hours of UA immediately proceeding each scheduled sex night.
You need to feel bonded to your husband in order to enjoy sex, and you also need the prospect of enjoyment -- it needs to be done in a way that YOU find enjoyable.

And all this must be done in an environment free of lovebusters.

You need to get OUT. Go on hot dates with your husband.

Did you understand my question? I was referring to the day that you go to the YMCA - the day that you look forward to all week.

My suspicion is that you enjoy SF to some extent on that day, because you have had an enjoyable day with your H, with time away from the kids. If that's the case, it would show you that having more days like that would be mutually fulfilling.