he was told to meet my needs in order to get me more interested in SF. He didn't think that was fair.

Ship thinks I paint him in a terrible light on this forum and that I don't give him credit for all the good things he does (there are a lot of great things about him.)

Ship is going to hate you all.

Shoot, I can't see why. I want to help the guy see how to get lots of fantastic sex in his marriage, with a happy wife!

I'm helping him get that by explaining to YOU not to put up with his misbehavior.

He will find that life (and sex) is a lot better (and more frequent) when it's lived with a wife who doesn't put up with the worst in him.

In my thread I was told to clean up my side of the street and meet his ENs so he would want to meet mine. Isn't this backwards?

You need to get to your doctor and get on antidepressants ASAP.

And you've been doing that for how long now?

Poster wrote:
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I disagree with the MB opinion that sacrifice does not tend to create appreciation. My father worked 3 jobs to support our family and my mother always took care of my father, my sisters, and myself before satisfying her own wants and needs. I have profound appreciation and love for these efforts. I have seen many successful marriages that involve sacrifice in raising autistic and handicapped children. In my marital experience during the first few years, I sacrificed enthusiastically to try to attain a peaceful and loving sanctuary for our marriage. These efforts failed because it seems that the more I gave, more was expected of me. It seems the priority of our marriage is that her needs (and all her wants, there is a difference between wants and needs) were met when she wanted and how she wanted TO THE LETTER. Otherwise the destructive cycles continue. She has always had the freedom to do what she wants. Should one not show gratitude for this and all the other blessings the good Lord has bestowed upon us?
Please W, be truthful. And please please be honest who has given and who has taken in our marriage. And please please take responsibility for your part in curtailing the giver and empowering the taker.


Dr. Harley: If sacrifice was all you say it was, we wouldn't be talking about it. A sacrifice is a unilateral gift, something that doesn't require appreciation because it's given unconditionally. My point is that, while there is a place for sacrifice in life, in marriage it tends to be sore spot. When one spouse gives to the other sacrificially, even if it's done enthusiastically, it tends to be unappreciated. If appreciation is required, it's no longer unconditional or sacrificial. Something is expected in return that makes the act worth doing, which takes it out of the realm of sacrifice.

I suggest that you and your wife leave the past in the past and begin negotiating for your future together, with mutual respect and appreciation for what you do for each other. here

Uh, where do I begin. I can't tell you how many couples I've counseled where one spouse did just what you suggested -- sacrifice their own enjoyment for the pleasure of their spouse. The reason I'm counseling them, of course, is that the one doing the sacrificing eventually can't take giving without receiving anymore, and wants a divorce. One recent cases that comes to mind is a pastor's wife. He gave your message to his wife throughout their marriage. They have reconciled, but only because he finally understands the concept of mutual care. Unless both he and his wife enjoy their sexual experience, she comes to hate it. Now they make love almost every day, not out of sacrifice, but out of mutual enthusiastic agreement. By the way, they've given up OS.

It's dangerous stuff you're recommending. It ruins marriages.

And you've been doing that for how long now?

I guess I'd have to ask Ship.

I slip up with LBs but I think I've greatly decreased them. I know I have almost completely eliminated SDs. DJs do slip out from time to time when I'm engaging him.

I've been trying for a while now.

I guess I'd have to ask Ship.

I slip up with LBs but I think I've greatly decreased them. I know I have almost completely eliminated SDs. DJs do slip out from time to time when I'm engaging him.

I've been trying for a while now.

No, Ship is not on board with UA time.

He doesn't even like me reading about MB and called it a LB that I even looked at it.

No UA == No SF

This is Marriage Builders!

Here is my recent email to Dr Harley and his response:

Hi again Dr. Harley,

It's too late. I've exposed. If you ever wondered what it looks like to wait 10 years to get the support of family after an affair, I'm your case.

Ship won't talk to me. The marriage may be over.

I'm really sad. I wanted a caring relationship. I have so much I need to work on, and I'm willing to if Ship is willing.

Thanks for your help,
Anointed
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I�ve found that exposure does not hurt a marriage, but rather speeds up whatever would have happened anyway. In most cases, the exposed spouse is angry at first, but eventually sees the wisdom of it, and makes an effort to improve the marriage. In the cases where an exposed spouse does the opposite, there are factors that make me believe that the same thing would have happened without exposure.

Dr Harley

That was also on this thread. I was struggling in that area with him, and he was told to meet my needs in order to get me more interested in SF. He didn't think that was fair.

Wow, it must really SUCK for him to live without sexual fulfillment, then. He should really get on board with UA time, because it's a great way to get your wife HEAD OVER HEELS in love with you and get your emotional needs met, especially including sexual fulfillment.

He doesn't believe in IF, THEN mentalities.

He thinks we should both just meet each others' needs period.

No tit for tat.