Ship says I never make myself look bad on here.

I have been talking to him for a few months now about how unhappy I am. And I can feel my thoughts growing more and more wayward.

I tell him when I'm feeling vulnerable, and last night I asked that he hold me accountable especially right now because I feel weak.

I've lost most of my baby weight (3 lbs to go), and I'm getting noticed by men around me. I know that I must be putting out some sort of "signal" because I didn't used to get that kind of attention.

I don't want to go down that road. I love my God, myself, and my husband.

Transparency.

The goal here is to not to make yourself "look bad," though, it is to save your marriage. I view this comment as a distraction from important issues at hand.

To protect yourself, use the EPs:

First and foremost, do not discuss any personal issues at all with a man. Period.

Make sure you tell your spouse what you are up to each day by sharing your schedule with him. Leave your phone lying around so he can check up on you when he wants to.

If you live a transparent life, it's going to be very difficult for you to have an affair.

I've been in your position of greatly wanting to the comfort and admiration of another man. My biggest problem was finding someone, since I'd had the practice of avoiding male friendships for years.

Follow the plan for your marriage first. Protect yourself from getting your emotional needs met by another man, especially in your current vulnerable state.

I would do it together, and I would make it a long term habit. It will give you a chance to talk about the situations you hear and the suggestions Dr. Harley makes. Even on calls where the situation doesn't sound directly applicable to yours, it will help.

I would listen together.

Together.

Yes, this is just blame-finding, and is totally unproductive. Nobody is saying you are perfect, and we would love to help him get his complaints about his marriage addressed. But right now the BIG problem in your marriage is that he is ABUSIVE to you and NEGLECTFUL and he is not DOING anything about it. When he starts DOING something about these two big problems, then your marriage will have a chance.

Otherwise it's like arguing about what color to paint the titanic while it sinks. Let's fix the big problem first.

Regarding him being "broken," I don't see him as "broken." I see him as being DRAMATIC. And I know from my experience that this kind of DRAMA is NOT productive for marriage building. Even when it sounds really good. It's just all talk. Let's see a written 15 hour UA schedule. Let's see an apology for the abuse and neglect. Let's see him start taking you out for some dates every week. Let's see him start accepting a list from you of his demands, disrespect, and angry outbursts each week. Let's see him start practicing relaxation as Dr. Harley suggests so he can eliminate angry outbursts. Let's see him learn to SHUT UP when he's frustrated so that he doesn't have an angry outburst.

Less talk, less drama, less "broken," more FIXING.

Meanwhile, firm insistence on your part that you aren't willing to keep giving unconditional love without him fixing the ABUSE and NEGLECT problem, i.e., without him giving the "unconditional" love he preaches about.

Dramatic "broken" acts are usually an excuse to TALK a lot and DO NOTHING. It's a way to trick the other spouse into giving unconditional love without having to give anything yourself other than TALK.

I know because I did it, you know!

The point is to get the bad stuff FIXED.

When you want to talk about something he does that is a problem for you, he should not shift the conversation to something you do that is a problem for him. That is a way of him avoiding ever having to do anything about his NEGLECT and ABUSE of you.

ABUSE and NEGLECT: front burner problems right now.

His complaints: happy to address them IF he's happy to address the ABUSE and NEGLECT problems by actually DOING something about it. Otherwise, he can wait.

Here's a good clip on unconditional love.
Radio Clip About Unconditional Love

Anointed: Ship, are you willing to stop making demands of me, being disrespectful toward me, and having angry outbursts at me, and spending time with me every week meeting my needs for conversation and affection?

Ship: You never make yourself look bad on that website.

Anointed: Okay, so is that like a "yes," or a "no"?

See how he changed the subject so as to avoid the front burner problems of NEGLECT and ABUSE? What he is bringing up has nothing to do with the problems he is causing you. It's his way of NOT dealing with it.

That's not how the conversation went, but yes I get what you are saying. We did focus on neglect and abuse.

He had mentioned in the past that I make things one-sided and do not represent him well on the forum, so I was addressing his complaint in sharing more of my struggles.

My husband is not dramatic. He is very low key most of the time. I have seen Ship that sad, broken and upset only a handful of times in our marriage...when we were freshly dealing with the affairs and when he has lost loved ones.

He does not often admit to pain, so I feel that he was being vulnerable to me last night. I was glad to hear his heart and glad he trusted me with it.

I understand that ACTION is the focus here. I hope you will understand that my husband is truly a sinking Ship and needs your support.

Please hold him accountable. Please be careful.

Got it.

Thanks markos.

Let's see him address your front burner complaints before you jump to address more of his. Let him know you will address all of his complaints IF he addresses your front burner complaints of ABUSE and NEGLECT. These complaints have been made a long time ago and it is unfair for him to sidetrack and expect you to wait longer by tossing his complaints up on the front burner when your complaints have never been addressed.

The radical change that you need to make is to not accept any more such sidetracks.

This is good, Brain.

Ship has a hard time being honest about what he would rather not do. Since I bring things up over and over again, he feels brow beaten into doing them.

I just thought I was bringing things up, so we could brainstorm a way to make us both happy. He felt I was just going to bring it up until the end of time unless I get my way.

Ok. I see.

Oy the pleaser in me does not like this one bit.

Plus




is a very emotionally dangerous combination for you, in my opinion.
Are you supposed to defend him against others by presenting only his good points while only pointing out your own flaws? Really?

How can a marriage be made mutually fulfilling and romantic this way?

I will wait to address this until Ship has addressed showing me care and eliminating lovebusters.

Let's see some of this from you, Ship. End the ABUSE and NEGLECT, period. Even if people were disrespectful to you on a forum. That's a pretty poor excuse for continuing to ABUSE and NEGLECT your wife. Even if your wife doesn't make herself look bad enough for you. That's a pretty poor excuse for continuing to ABUSE and NEGLECT her.

Let's see some of this "meet each other's needs, period" from you. How about you end the ABUSE and NEGLECT, period. No if/thens. No matter what she does, no matter what we say.

Yes, sir, Ship, I am talking to YOU.

Quit sidetracking your wife's complaints and start EARNING some respect by doing something to deserve it. Meet her needs, period, right? It's what you said.

Yes, I agree with this. I think his major complaint was the blasting he was getting. He is much more tender-hearted than he seems.