Good answer!!!

Dr. Harley says you SHOULD continue bringing up problems that are still problems. That's called "keeping it on the front burner." And you need to prioritize, and the top problems are what you just listed: Ship needs to show you care and eliminate lovebusters.

Great job!

Fantastic Annointed.

If there are anymore clips you may need just let me know.

Nobody ever blasted a man for ending abuse and showing his wife care. Let him protect his own heart from our "disrespect," Anointed. Let his reaction and his decisions go; they are not yours.

If he will hand you a piece of paper with a schedule showing how you guys are going to spend 15 hours together next week, he will earn my instant respect, and he will keep it if he carries through on the schedule.

If he will start posting here letting us know when he slips up and says something that is demanding, disrespectful, or angry, he will earn my instant respect, and he will keep it if he learns to eliminate those behaviors.

Ship is lying when he says he doesn't believe in IF, THEN mentalities.

"IF they are disrespectful to me on the forum, THEN I will quit posting and not learn to meet my wife's needs and stop abusing her."

There's an IF, THEN for you.

C'mon, Ship, I am talking to you, sir. I know you are reading some of this.

So full of excuses (also known as if, then mentalities).

That's your Giver.

We need to engage your Taker.

Your Taker is not bad. God made it.

If Ship will satisfy your Taker, it will benefit Ship. I guarantee it.

Thanks guys.

Sorry. I do try to fix things for him all the time. I care about him. I do try to address things he is unhappy about and quickly.

I will try to stay out of the things he must face for himself.

Yesterday was our 15 year anniversary, and it sucked.

I hope I didn't run you off MelodyLane.

You are a straight shooter, and I value your input very much.

Correction, he is hurting because the truth of his affair has seen the light of day.

It's not exposure that hurt, it's the fact that he chose to have an affair and it's now known by others.

Exposure is simply relaying facts. Facts are not what causes the hurt. It's the behavior he engaged in that is the source of the hurt.

PS it's not your job to make him look good, it's HIS job to not only make himself "look" good, but to actually be good.

I will concede that he may have a point if the only thing you focus on are his faults without putting the same effort into addressing his complaints about you.

However, he still has to clean up his side of the street, which is the ultimate "defense" for someone who is made to look bad.

One cannot effectively make someone who is doing good look bad for any length of time. If he is doing good, he can't help but to look good.

Those of us who have been following Anointed's thread knows that she is more than willing to put in effort, and he wants to avoid it.

Yes, exactly!

My email to Dr Harley and his response:

Thank you, Dr. Harley.

I heard you address this very topic yesterday on your radio show. I agree with you.
I must say, my husband is completely broken at this point. He is grieving and defeated after my exposing him.

That was not my intent at all.

I've said it like this: Going through the betrayal of multiple affairs mostly by myself might be like having a very precious child die, and going to the funeral alone. Even more, it was as if no one even knew I had the child in the first place. When I called the people I loved and got their support, it was as if they finally attended the funeral with me so I could put it to rest.

That precious thing I had before in my marriage died, and now I can let it go.

Thanks for everything,
Anointed
--------------------------

Dr Harley: What exposure also does is help you gain a wider perspective on the problem. Your husband�s grieving is due to his own thoughtlessness, not the exposure of it. It�s what he did that causes him pain. But what he did also caused you pain. Is he grieving about that? I doubt it. Instead, he wants you to suffer in silence without support while he is free of consequences. His approach to your marriage has been very one-sided, and it has now caught up with him.

Okay, super transparent here.

So embarrassed. Do people who are wayward have secret signals that broadcast to each other everywhere they go?

I'm vulnerable to an affair. I know that.

Everywhere I go I get deeper stares. Guys start up conversations with me.

I went to the grocery store, and my stomach was churning because I knew I was not right. And it didn't matter that one of them was married with a small child (shopping in the baby section)! The wayward mindset is sick and selfish, and I hate it!

I feel foolish and stupid, and I can't be trusted.

Anointed, I would also remind you that your husband is not the victim here. Dr Harley is right about that. I have no sympathy for your husband. All of my sympathy is reserved for his victim, YOU. He brought this all on himself.

Yes, MelodyLane. Thank you.

I'm sad for him. I hate to watch him suffer, but I do need to do a much better job of NOT shielding him from the consequences. Any consequence.

Because that is not loving.

Agree! Does he hate watching you suffer? Has he apologized for putting you through this hell yet? Its too bad that he did something that was so embarrassing when exposed, but that is the risk he took. Sorry he took that risk.

You did see where I posted that I'm basically a WW?

I'm sick.

I didn't think exposure would set me back so hard.

I am not sure what you mean. You said guys were looking at you. That doesn't mean you having an affair!

It wasn't that exposure set you back - in fact, it's been an anchor aroud your neck this entire time - it's just that doing it so long after brought the past into the present.

In addition, that present includes a very low love bank balance related to a demonstrated lack of care by your husband.


So... the result is a wife in withdrawal/conflict on the precipice of a plan FU.

Step back from the edge and focus on your goal.