The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

I hope she doesn't find out I boned three women. I'll tell her it was just touching. Maybe she'll feel like that's not as bad, and that she doesn't have the right to ask me to change anything since it wasn't intercourse. I wish she would quit bringing this up. Thankfully I'm sure this will blow over soon. She always puts up with anything. Say, that babe in the corner there with the sure skirt sure looks foxy tonight.

Do you know who it was with?

i agree he is minimizing it, that is why I a wanting insight from the veterans here to help me address this with him and help him see how he is rationalizing and minimizing.

OW lives out of the country. We lived out of the country when affair took place, there is NC.

How is the assumption and leap to prostitution made? This happened when we lived overseas. His affair was with a clingy woman who was doing interpreting for us for business. She was a flirty girl with all the men but I saw her get stars in her eyes for WH, the second I got a suspension & hint of what was happening I confronted him (within weeks of me seeing this). She was still working for us for another 3 weeks longer, but I saw the changes indicating it was over. It really was out of convenience he messed around and not love.

She moved 3,000 miles to another entire island of the country and we left the country a short time later. There is certainly NC. And all happened quite a few years ago, but as we are working on our marriage the affair became a topic of conversation because I wanted answers and understanding.

I did get him to understand for me, anything he experienced with her, conversations and the like are secrets. I want them to no longer be secrets. So he is telling me things. This was long enough ago and short enough some of the memories are all that fresh. I am even filling in some of the details that he doesn't remember about the time.

I am looking for assistance on how his mind may be working to not call that part an affair.