NB28,

I left the company and broke it off with the boss as soon as I discovered I was pregnant with our first child I married my H 2 months later. NC 2001.

This explains a great deal of your H's insecurity about your love for him. I don't think he ever recovered. I suspect your H counts those years from 2001 to 2003 as a lie.

Was your boss ever fired for sexual misconduct or was his wife informed or did your H confront him? Did you H ever get the full story or as I did just sink into dispair, men can go for decades holding in their emotions.

I had an EA with an ex boyfriend for years without realising it, often used him as a weapon to make my H jealous, I have been in NC with the ex since 2008.

So perhaps 2005-2008 approximate timeline for the EA? Means for the bulk of 2001 thru 2008 you were involved in some kind of affair, do you think it is a coincidence that his affair started sometime around then?

My W cheated on me with OM2 before we were married and continued to work with him for some time after, and while many here will say that premarital cheating does not count, emotionally there is no difference.

At the time I thought this was just a price I had to pay for having a beautiful girl friend/wife, particularly given how much better looking she was then me. The constant attention my W got, still gets, from men reinforced this feeling on continual basis as well.

God Bless
Gamma

MaritalBliss,

Yes we take the dogs for a walk in some beautiful woods near out home when the weather is good as part of UA time.

We lack ideas for RC things to do that we both find interesting though and are free because we are saving up for our first ever family vacation together.

Gamma,

The boss was 21 and I was 18 at the time of the incident, he was single and I left the company soon after it ended, there was no animosity it just ended naturally when I became pregnant with our first child. H was very traumatised by my actions especially when I didn't tell him until 2 years after we were married. I fully agree this has effected him however for the past 5 years there have been no incidents of any kind and I am not oven slightly interested in other. I have also cut out opposite sex friendships a part from one dear friend who is firmly homosexual and is married to a sweet guy, both live one hour away and my H is friends with this couple as well.

The EA was sporadic I didn't talk to the ex everyday to every week online. It was maybe once or twice a year and my H knew about all the contacts as the point was for me to get his attentions, if we had a fight or one incident when H tried to separate from me because he wanted to be single and save enough money for a super car (I felt I was being dumped for a car) I would contact the ex and make H gelouse. I acknowledge the way I behaved was wrong and I am not making excuses j am just trying to give you reasons. As it turned out this ex was married even when we were together before my H and I didn't know, he turned out to be a total creep, got a girl pregnant at the same time as his wife and all was exposed.

I don't agree with H that I am attractive to other men, I don't get approached, chatted up or harassed by men at all. It's his insecurity about himself that is making him feel this way.

Other than staying on the clean path for 5 years and putting up good boundaries, what can I do to make amends for my pt behaviours?

The title of your thread is weight loss hindering recovery ... but after reading I don't think that is it at all.

I am seeing Lovebusters as a big part to your marriage on both sides. I think doing the Lovebusters book as a study guide will help you overcome this.

I recommend uping your UA to 20+ hours weekly. Your FWH has a history of addiction, and sneaking off to play a game sounds like he has found another vice.

I would put in as an EP no more game playing. I would do whatever it took to find Recreational activity with each other as part of your 20+ hours.

You are still limping along in recovery.

I think you are right to be concerned and this explanation of your H's is a red flag IMO.

My WxH said something similar about his first affair/s. "I was going through a depression so I let my guard down!"

Lots of people feel depressed or "inferior" or insecure and don't have affairs. Your WxH had an affair because he had poor boundaries around women, period. If he doesn't view it this way, then

The fact that he is playing the game is definitely an IB and lack of POJA (again, ) as some others have stated.

Have you two considered the online program?

Sounds like this addiction could be part of the reason for his depression moreso than your weight loss. And yes, it sounds like an addiction.

The fact that he was "sneaking off" to play it is just setting off more for me.

Agree with WF that the problems in your recovery has little to do with your weight loss.

I can only tell you what he says to me, I am not making assumptions about the way he feels about my weight loss, he stated it was making him feel horrible and stopped walking with me in public.

I run a ladies fashion jewellery shop so most of my customers are ladies, H comes to work with me most days but if I have an appointment he covers the shop for me, he stated that some customers made a funny face when they asked about where I was and he told them I had the day off and then as they carried on talking he told them he was my husband. He thinks they were surprised I was married to someone like him, this gave him a complex and now resists walking next to me in public. I have security cameras at the shop so can monitor him if there are any inappropriate activities when he is there. So far there has been nothing.

With regards to the game you are right it is his latest addiction but I feel silly making much more of a fuss as its not as severe as him having an affair, drinking to much or doing drugs. He says its just a game and he is entitled to down time. I am upset because him sneaking off is of course a trigger.

This game does not have any direct interaction with other people so its not bothering me from a current affair point of view. H is also monitored by GPS tracker and both his work phone and personal phone are itemised and I have full access to the accounts. I can check his log sheet and tie it up with the GPS tracker and he is always where he is supposed to be even during work hours.

I will discuss further POJA regarding the game and see where we get.

LB's are an issue and I think we need to go back to the book as lately there has been an increase in LB's and it needs to be tackled. For example if I see him playing that game to me that's an LB and tend to feel resentment that although he agreed and sees that the game is a problem he insists in getting more chances to try and play it by the rules set out in POJA.

He does well for a while then just goes back to being obsessed and ignoring the agreement. Other Lb's is temper tantrums from him, he gets frustrate quickly and takes it out on inanimate objects. Now this seriously gets to me as for those who know about my stich he has phisically assaulted me once post affair while he was foggy and although I did report him to the police resulting in him getting a criminal record and stood firm regarding this. he has not ever done it again but it still makes me nervous when he shows anger. I am not scared of him it just frankly irks me.

I have asked him repeatedly if I am doing any LB's and he claims that I am not at all so don't quite know what LB's are being spotted by you guys from my side.

I get the feeling that he wants me to be in a state of depression and let myself go as this will make him feel better but I don't agree with this and want to keep up the work I have done so far regarding self improvements. I have overcome so much and conquered so many things that I don't ever want to go back to the dithering depressed mess I was when he had his A.

Please listen to this clips about the H addicted to gaming. Tell us what you think.

But what about Your UA time? Are you getting even close to 15-20 hours?
Radio clip on addiction to gaming
Segment #2
Segment #3

I will discuss with him tonight if he would be willing to post again so he can get more direct help from the MB gang. After posting here I feel a bit clearer about my role and what I should be tackling, it would be helpful for him to be able to express his side.

It was an EP that he posts where issues arise so hope he adheres to that.

Good clip BraiH,

It is independent behaviour and that's probably another reason why I resent the game. This is going to be tough but I have to deal with it, he just makes me feel so guilty for bringing it up and gets so depressed when I ask him about quitting it.

Can you guys do the online program? Let us know when Dr. Harley responds.

I am shocked at this as well as the sneaking off to play phone games when you two have been struggling in recovery for so long. It is even more bothersome as your H is not clueless as to MB, POJA, and IB since he has posted here and supposedly read the materials.

Happy to hear that you wrote to Dr Harley as I think you need professional guidance with this.

I don't want to do the online program without his enthusiastic agreement, he claims MB is taking up enough time of our life's already and I get a feeling of resentment towards it from him because I spend time daily reading MB and listening to the radio show.

I will let him answer for himself if he agrees to post here.

But from my side I would love to do the online program. No response from the Harley's yet. Will share the response when I get it.

Susie,

It is baffling, if you met him and spoke to him in person you can see how down he is about himself, I can spot a manipulator a mile off and he's not like that, he is genuinely embarrassed to be seen with me as he feels everyone is Judging him as being not worthy of being with me.

If you see the MB photo thread he is perfectly ok, there is nothing wrong with his looks, body or have any unusual features and I am normal too, nothing to attract any kind of positive or negative attention.

He has lost interest in MB lately but he has read the books with me so he is fully aware of the rules.

Sneaking off is an issue, he will go downstairs to get something and be done for 1/2 an hour because he decided to check his game and next thing you know he's playing it and I'm left waiting for him to come back up to carry on whatever activity we were doing at the time. Or he goes to the toilet and he's gone for another 1/2 and hour because he's playing his game in the bathroom. Now we POJA'd that he leaves the phone behind when he goes to the toilet or to get something.

It's tiring feeling like his jailer all the time.

His not walking with you in public and his sneaking off to play phone games...this is unacceptable behavior. I don't think you see it that way.

I suspect Dr Harley will tell your H as he told another poster recently who had issues with addiction and impulse control that your recovery will be dependent upon his using POJA and PORH (which he currently isn't). I think she had issues with anxiety and depression because of her lack of impulse control as well.

Put these issues on the front burner and make sure you come up with a solution. Maybe your H needs ADs as well. I am not sure but I would not accept this.

If he won't go to the doctor for simple hand cream for his Oozing sore skin I don't know how to get him to the Dr to get AD's.

I think he needs to talk about how he feels with MB and get help that way. Sometimes my opinions are shunned by him because he claims I am baiast so it would help him to talk to MB.

PS today I dressed in frumpy clothes didn't wear make up and let my hair get greasy and put it in a bun. Guess what? He happily walked with me around the market holding hands.

NB,

This is somewhat missing the point. Your H has you believing that he is incapable of following POJA and PORH under certain conditions which is entirely untrue. And you seem to have gone along with this.

This is why you are not recovered and will continue to limp along.